Holiday Announcement!
Listen up, Shit-Ticklers! The holidays are right around the corner, so hang your stockings, light your menorah, grab the person's ass next to you and scream "Happy Kawanza, Fuckface!" Because it is the giving time of year. And I know that most of you, come mid December are going to be freaking out because you still won't have bought gifts for half the people on your list. And we all know that nothing sucks more than staggering through the mall hungover, smelling of egg nog, vaginal secretions and vomit, trying to dodge obnoxious soccer moms pushing strollers while talking on their cell phones all the while just wanting to find your kid brother a fucking gift. Nothing sucks more cock than that (barring any MTV Real World cast member... male or female). And how does that scenario always pan out? You end up buying some bullshit from The Gap, a crappy book by Grisham and some low quality BBQ tools. Then on the 25th your family opens up their shit and they hate you. You fucked it up yet again!

Well, enough of that crap. Get your family and friends something different. Something interesting... Something that no one else will get for Xmas. Something underground. Get them a fucking APB T-shirt! They will open the gift up and be dazzled by hot bitches, patriotism, symbolism and phallic imagery. In their delirious state of rapture they will stumble over to the computer to investigate what amazing entity could possibly have provided such a product. They will come across AngryPatrioticBastard.com and my bastardness will jump straight out of the monitor and kick them repeatedly in the nuts! And they will love it! After falling to the ground in the fetal position and vomitting several times, they will thank you profusely for changing their lives! For less than twenty bucks you have the ability to inject pure pharmaceutical grade Bastard into someone's life. So do it!

At this point most retailers would announce some holiday sale. Not here, folks. Fuck that. The shirts are still priced at $18.89. "But whyyyy, Bastard?! Whyyy can't you put them on sale?!?" Interesting question. Let me see. Probably because I chose to use high quality Hanes tagless T's with a "three-color" print job so they ended up costing 8 bucks a pop. Then I paid a professional artist to do the design because Bastards always should roll in style. Then I had to rent a fucking P.O. box so that I wouldn't have creepy stalker people breaking into my house to lick the crotch of my gym shorts while I am at work. Then I had to buy a bunch of Tyvek envelopes to send the shit in so as to ensure the shirt arrives without any damage. Then I have to drive my ass down to the post office each time I get an order to ship one off where I pay another few bucks in shipping. When it is all said and done, I am getting paid less per hour than an illegal immigrant. That, dear reader, is why I am not doing a holiday sale.

So do everyone a favor and buy a T-shirt! You will be saving your loved ones from getting a shitty gift. You will be saving yourself from the agony of Christmas Eve shopping. And you will be making my day because although I make next to nothing on the shirts, I pop a boner the size of a large beagle when I think about people sporting my threads. So do it already!

Cover your shameful nakedness with divine APB goodness! Below are pictures of the front and back. So go ahead, feast your little commie eyes on this beauty!

NOTE: NO INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING! DOMESTIC ONLY!

For any of you who are a little slow on the uptake, the image is an alteration of the Iwo Jima flag planting (my respectful tribute to our kick-ass military). “But why is the flag upside down? That seems unpatriotic to me!” Well, that is because you have a skull full of deep fried squirrel anus instead of grey matter. Flying an upside down flag is proper flag ettiquite when making a distress call. Our country is in trouble, whether or not most people know it. So, on this shirt we have a variation of what is debatably the most recognizable symbol of US military triumph, five hot naked chicks with juicy asses, the phallic and sexual implications of them “erecting” our country’s flag and the symbolism of the distress call. If you don’t like that, then you are a gay, communist hippy with impotency issues. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, communist or impotent, but being a hippy is unforgivable.

Here is the way this shit works... You order by clicking the size you want above. You will create a Paypal account (it is fast, easy and secure). Then just follow the instructions and I end up getting an email from Paypal confirming that you paid. Then, in between masturbation sessions and temper tantrums, I find the time to go down to the local post office and mail you your shit. All shirts are Hanes tagless T's, 100% cotton. They are silk screened, so they aren't cheap-ass bullshit that you might find on other sites. I am putting a blown up shot of the back design below.

Also, I just got back from the post office. These fuckers cost $3.89 each to ship out. The shirts themselves are priced at $15 but I have to jack them up to $18.89 to not eat the cost of shipping. Still well worth the price, though.

Holy shit I am a genius (as evidenced by my kick-ass T-shirt design)!

Below is something of an afterthought. My (mildly insane) southern lawyer Mr. Chassereau requested the piece of merchandise shown below. In my humble opinion, it is the perfect gift for that friend who is just a little too liberal. Give him/her this coffee mug so they can start off their day with a little bit of pure ground Bastard. Just click on the picture to go to a Cafe Press page and order it... you commie fuck!

Angry Patriotic Bitch thongs! Ya gotta love ‘em. Nothing spells out intrigue like a distress call printed on a woman’s crotch. What could it mean? Is she in distress because she needs a good patriotic pounding? Or will you pull that aside to find scabies the size of gophers? Who knows! But, hey, surprises are fun! Show your man you love him AND your country with these bitchin’ thongs. Plus you get to tell all your girlfriends that you have some APB wedged up your ass. Not all girls can boast of that! Click on the picture to order a pair!