But after some deep soul-searching, I realized I was being inconsiderate. I realized that her disappearance was in fact a tragedy, and one that should be mourned. Whores like Natalee are not easy to come by. It takes a special breed of slut to appreciate a gang-bang at the tender age of 18. Most whores get into that shit after 20. Natalee was a prodigy and the world will miss her. Think of all the frat guys who won’t get to run trains on her. Think of the college football team at her would-be alma mater who won’t get “Good Game Blowjobs” after every win. Think of all of the gallons of sperm which would have found a home in her stomach now twisting in the wind with an uncertain future. It takes more than daddy working long hours and mommy drinking too much in the afternoons to mold a slut like Natalee. The equation is too esoteric for a man of my simple intellect to even theorize over. But what I do know, is that Natalee’s disappearance really does affect all of us (or at least all of us with a penis).

Tommy Chabbs: ::blinks:: I hate you.

”But I do competitive BMX freestyle jumps as well as extreme MTX racing.” Oh yeah? You jump around on your silly little bike on tracks that have been approved by professional engineers while expert EMS personnel are 30 feet away with the most sophisticated medical equipment available? Wow. And you do that while enjoying complete medical coverage? Holy shit, that’s pretty fucking extreme… if you are a pussy. That’s what people should call them, “Extreme Pussy Sports”.

Tommy Chabbs: Oh, my God! Stop! Just fucking stop already!

Loomis: Wha--? ::seems to snap out of it:: Oh, um, what I mean is that since they have endured the, uh, trials and tribulations of prison life, the Hobbits are likely more hardened, calloused combatants, ready to fight tooth and nail in order to survive. ::grins sheepishly::

Tommy Chabbs: Jesus, I’m not sure which is more frightening, your perfect knowledge of all things J.R.R. Tolkien or your immediate assumption that Merry and Pippin, despite bearing names of questionable masculinity, participated in booty-bandit activities during their imprisonment. ::shakes his head::

Well, you know what the media hates more than anything? An informed consumer. Someone who does his research. Someone who won’t buy into their shit without questioning it. Someone like… me! And someone like you after reading this article!

Although the media likes to spray its doomsday philosophy all over the populace like Ron Jeremy administering the money shot at a bukkaki party, the facts tell a different story all together. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 900,000 U.S. residents are infected with HIV. Our great country has 290,000,000 residents. This means that less than a third of a percent (0.3%) of the population is HIV positive. Well, golly gee, that doesn’t sound like an epidemic. But they say it’s spreading! So maybe not many people have it now, but it’s spreading! So we should be terrified!

So the rest of the movie is a giant Technicolor clusterfuck. We get an intimate look into Dracula’s home life. Apparently he has enlisted the aid of thousands of midgets that appear to be a cross between Pulp Fiction’s “the gimp” and Star Wars’ “sand people” but much shorter. Dracula’s castle almost seems like a morbid rendition of Willy Wonka’s candy factory with a bunch of BDSM midgets running the show. Frankenstein’s monster makes another appearance as well as a werewolf. It was almost as if the screenwriter couldn’t decide which clichéd monsters to use in the movie so he just used them all.

But there were a few things I liked about the movie. Helsing, despite the poor directing, is a fucking pimp. In the opening thirty minutes of the flick he manages to shoot some vampire broad with a fully automatic crossbow, he rufees the female protagonist (Kate Beckinsale) and then ends up choking her for a minute or two simply because she tried to interrupt him. I like a male lead who isn't against strangling a hot chick or two just to get a point across. There needs to be more of that these days in my opinion. Unfortunately Helsing wasn’t able to strangle the director or script writer. That would have been a nice finishing touch. Actually, it would have been great if Helsing were there at the theatre to strangle each and every one of us consumers on the way out.

I saw one a while back where the ad opened up with the streets of some major U.S. city flooded with people wearing jeans and white shirts (on a side note, I wonder who helped pay for this commercial full of “cool and enlightened” young people wearing blue jeans. Levi’s maybe?). On each of their shirts was a number. The numbers ranged up into the thousands. So this mob of cool, young hipsters marches down to the local tobacco company building, stands there for a second and then they all flopped down and played dead. All of them except for some asshole with a little sign that said something like “12,765 people die every day from tobacco” and then on the other side, “ever think about taking a day off?” What a stupid fucking sign. Almost more disappointing than the content of the sign was the fact that all the people lying in the street weren’t really dead.

Wow. I’m not even sure where to start. So that is the chorus of “Headstrong” by Trapt (notice the k3wl spelling of their band name) and it is obvious after reading it that every last person in that band is an asshole. I mean, the singer can’t even get one line out without contradicting himself. “Back off, I’ll take you on.” Doesn’t that convey two totally different messages? 1) Leave me alone 2) Let’s fight. Then the remainder of the chorus lets us know that he is headstrong and someone else is wrong. Holy sweet Jesus! Someone call the New York Times! Some unidentified individual out there is wrong! Thank you so much, Trapt for calling our attention to, uhh, the fact that you are headstrong and that someone else is wrong. That’s fucking great.