Angry Patriotic Bastard - Entertainment/Media

Join the APB VIP Section| Shop APB Merchandise

Entertainment/Media

There exist no larger, more formidable abominations of logic and reason than the media and entertainment industries. They perpetuate biased, archaic beliefs that promote left-wing political agendas. Hollywood, CNN and CSPAN are the three stooges of the western world yet their inept bumbling is not as harmless and humorous as the silver screen comedic trio. Their blatant lies and distasteful suggestions threaten the very freedoms this country was built on.

	The Disappearance of Natalee Holloway: A Tragedy of Epic Proportion (7/19/05)

For the past several weeks my anger towards the media’s obsession with that blonde little tart has been building to a rolling boil. As far as I can tell, the situation here is really quite simple. Dumb blonde goes on a graduation trip. Dumb blonde gets drunk at a nightclub and leaves with three horny guys. Dumb blonde ends up missing. Do we really need more than those three sentences to be up to speed on this topic? Apparently the media thinks so. Every fucking day I see Natalee’s vacant grinning face on my TV while some pocket-pool enthusiast tells me about how the authorities have recently found a blonde hair on some duct tape. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Let me save your crack team of investigators some time… Natalee Holloway is as dead as Steven Hawking’s libido. Case closed. Can we all go home now?

Ah, Natalee. Our penises shall miss you.

Apparently not. Because not only is the media fixating on every inconsequential detail of the investigation, but they are also busy telling me how goddamn tragic it is that some poor girl went missing… telling me how sorry I should feel for her… telling me what a textbook case of “sad shit” this is. At first, as you can tell, I rebelled against this message. I thought, “Fuck that whore. She was last seen leaving a club with three scumbags looking to get plugged air-tight. Three holes, three dicks. Coincidence? Surely not.” For weeks I held that belief. Sluts lead risky lives. If you leave nightclubs with multiple male strangers enough times, eventually things are going to go south on you. And I don’t mean you are going to be the recipient of cunnilingus. I mean you are going to get fucked in the figurative sense.

But after some deep soul-searching, I realized I was being inconsiderate. I realized that her disappearance was in fact a tragedy, and one that should be mourned. Whores like Natalee are not easy to come by. It takes a special breed of slut to appreciate a gang-bang at the tender age of 18. Most whores get into that shit after 20. Natalee was a prodigy and the world will miss her. Think of all the frat guys who won’t get to run trains on her. Think of the college football team at her would-be alma mater who won’t get “Good Game Blowjobs” after every win. Think of all of the gallons of sperm which would have found a home in her stomach now twisting in the wind with an uncertain future. It takes more than daddy working long hours and mommy drinking too much in the afternoons to mold a slut like Natalee. The equation is too esoteric for a man of my simple intellect to even theorize over. But what I do know, is that Natalee’s disappearance really does affect all of us (or at least all of us with a penis).

I feel helpless, scared and alone. The male sex was robbed by her disappearance! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US, GOD, WHY?!?!

	Michael Jackson found Innocent on all counts. Barf. (6/14/05)

Michael Jackson can suck my meat-baton and tongue-slap my fun-sack. Granted, I am about a decade and a half out of his preferred age bracket, so I doubt he would take me up on that offer, but I offer it nonetheless out of principle. Oh, wait, my bad. The courts have found him innocent on all charges, and we know that the courts never make a mistake--even if the prosecution brings the victim up to the stand and has him describe in graphic detail what old Mikey did to his tally whacker. How insensitive of me. The kid must have been mistaken.

The whole trial I kept telling myself, "Hey, they let OJ slip through, so they have to give up Jackson. It is only fair." He would have been the token Black guy in a whole new sense. If I could say something to that jury, judge and the whole west coast legal system, I would say the following. "OK, guys, I realize that there is a lot of pressure to not find high profile Black men guilty of crimes because if you do, the entire liberal army of douchebags that is on duty 24/7 across this county will bitch and scream and call the court system is racist for finding a Black guy guilty. However, those that are OBVIOUSLY guilty... At least convict 50% of them. Come on, guys. I'm not asking for much." Is that unreasonable? If we get two high profile cases involving a Black guy who murdered a chick and a Black dude who diddled a few boys, can't we at least put one of the two away? Are we so worried about what the Liberal population will think of us to just serve up 50% of the justice that is deserved? Are we so terrified of being called racist that we can’t do the right thing half of the time? Bah, humbug.

And while we are on the tangent of Race, did anyone else see irony in Michael Jackson situation? A Black man is born, for some reason that we will never understand he begins a lengthy transformation into a White guy... But he ends up missing the mark and becoming White Trash. He is surrounded by dead-beat White Trash leeches--although I do believe Jackson is guilty of child molestation, that doesn't change the fact that the accuser’s mom was one trashy White bitch. All of his problems are that of a White Trash trailer park prince. Molestation charges, conspiracy to kidnap, providing alcohol to a minor--he might as well be named Joe-Bob Swanson and live in a double-wide somewhere in rural Arkansas. Really the only difference between him diddling cancer patients and Joe-Bob diddling "young 'uns" is about 500 million bucks. Oh, and Jackson leverages his victims with an expensive Italian Chianti instead of wine that comes out of a box. But now we are just nitpicking the details.

The face of innocence (after multiple cosmetic surgeries)

And frankly, if you believe CNN, Jacko is coming into dire financial straits. That one factor that separates him from the tens of thousands of Joe-Bobs across middle America, his wealth, is rapidly decreasing. Although he wasn’t found guilty, we still have a chance of seeing his alien-ass destitute in the next 20 years.

Anyway, the bottom line is the following: Once again our legal system has made us the laughing stock of, well, the world. Humanity is swiftly approaching hell in its proverbial hand basket and the American court system is releasing people like Jackson and OJ, going soft on spoiled cunts like Winona Ryder and Robert Downey Jr. and debating pointless shit like Gay Marriage and Abortion (the 'mos are gonna fuck and babies are going to get aborted no matter what 9 jerk-offs in black robes decide). Our court system just can’t seem to get the big picture. Wake up you dusty old vagina-men! Act in a manner worthy of the robes you wear!

	The Quran, Scat and Idiots... YUM! (5/17/05)

So I have been dipping my balls in the news recently--that is how I scan the news... with my balls. I am like one of those psychic investigators who can touch objects and sense important information about them. But I do it with my balls. Every Sunday morning I wake up, fix myself a cup of coffee and then I spread my robe and squat over different sections of the paper and rub my balls on them. When a section contains something APB-worthy, my balls get all tingly. So like I was saying, recently my balls picked up on something of interest.

Newsweek ran a story a couple of weeks ago about some US soldiers at Guantanamo desecrating a copy of the Quran by flushing torn pages of it down the toilet. Strangely, this story was not located in a Humor section despite the dozens of jokes that such a tale could spawn. Newsweek was actually pitching it as a story that Joe Public (me) should take seriously. Who cares? Fuck the Quran. I bet it is just as boring as the bible. Will I ever read it to find out? Nope. But honestly, who could give a paper Dixie cup full of boogers whether or not a book got ripped up and flushed down a toilet in Cuba? I have been to Cuba and let me tell you, Quran pages going down the poopy-pipes doesn't even make the list of things authorities should be concerned about.

So who cares, right? Oh! Apparently Afghanis and Pakis cared since they started rioting and burning shit down in their respective countries. That is right, when Afghanis and Pakis got their sandy little hands on a copy of Newsweek they flipped into a fit of moral indignation (which is to be expected since we all know that those two nationalities are known for their impeccable moral fiber). So in what way did they decide to let the world know that such treatment of the Quran would not be tolerated? Well, they rioted in their own cities, burning down their own businesses and homes and killing their own neighbors. Good call! What an ingeniously fresh angle to take! Because being an American who lives thousands of miles away, I am suddenly very anxious to make sure that no more Qurans are defiled by US troops. Because if that happens again, there is a chance that thousands of meat-knots in a city I will never visit within a country I will never respect are destroying their own property in a manner in which I will never understand. Wow, you people are really winning the hearts and minds of Americans. You really know how to do it. Throw a temper tantrum like a little child and break all of your toys.

Hmm, a book that is full of shit came into contact with shit. That is poetic. Dirty, but poetic.

Normally the above situation would be enough for me to flip off the lights and pleasure myself to the thoughts of foreigners' stupidity, but it gets better! Once the story about the Quran riding down the Hershey Highway was looked into by officials, it became obvious that Newsweek was wrong! Oops!! Newsweek has even offered an official apology and affirmed that the story-making detail of the Quran's union with several thousand metric tons of Cuban shit and piss was indeed false. How could that possibly have been the case? Last time I checked, major news sources were supposed to corroborate statements, facts and observations. So how could it be that a Liberal news source jumped the gun on an article that would call into question the actions of a Conservative administration's personnel? Sound like coincidence to you? Me either.

So what now? Now I hope. I hope that some of the poor shit-stains in Afghanistan and Pakistan who lost family during the riots bring a civil suit against Newsweek for printing false news that precipitated the murder of their loved ones. I hope they bankrupt Newsweek and make off with hundreds of millions. Then I hope they all use those new millions to buy new houses and small businesses in their neighborhoods--to revitalize their hometowns. Then I hope some redneck US soldier gets caught on film tugging meat into an open Quoran. Pakistan and Afghanistan will riot again and burn down all of the new houses and businesses of the jerk-offs who bankrupted Newsweek built. That would make me very Goddamn happy.

Fuck the Quran!
Fuck Afghanistan!
Fuck Pakistan!
Fuck Newsweek and all unprofessional Liberal media!
Go USA!

	Class action lawsuit against the porn industry: You killed my sexual satisfaction, you bastards! (3/16/05)

It seems that everyone out there these days is raking in some dough from one class action suit or another. Smokers, fat people, stupid people—everyone is getting paid. Now I hate to jump on the band wagon, especially one that is so corrosive to the legal framework of this nation, but there is one cause that I not only believe in but I also identify as potentially extremely lucrative—a class action suit against the porn industry. Allow me to explain. I will use myself as the case study example for convenience and simplicity. Back before my porn baptism, around age 15 or so, I was a fairly naïve cat. I could tug the weasel to the thought of my homeroom teacher’s fully clad breasts. Ah, how I miss those simple times.

But then as I grew older and the Internet made mass amounts of smut available to me with a few clicks of the mouse, things began to change. A brave new world of porn was opened up to me and I explored that new terrain with a gusto that would have impressed Lewis and Clark. The sexual future seemed bright indeed as I learned all about deep throating, daisy chained rug-munching lesbians, gangbangs and double penetration. My masturbation sessions began to incorporate all of these novelties. I like to think of this as the Golden Age of my sexual enlightenment.

But then something strange happened. One day, years ago, while sitting at my computer running both Kazaa and Edonkey simultaneously, downloading over two dozen different porn mpegs and whacking off to a German gangbang video, I suddenly realized I was in fact addicted to porn. And not just porn, but hard, hard core porn. Quintiple-X shit. I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I had jerked off to the thought of normal missionary sex that didn’t involve any battery-powered aids, costumes, etc. In fact, I realized that it might just be impossible to get off to anything less than the image of an obese Hawaiian woman getting gang fucked by a bunch of midgets dressed up as Braveheart extras. What had become of me? Desperate to prove to myself that I was still “normal,” I immediately went over to a fuck buddy’s house, laid her down on the bed and began to make love to her in the most simple, unadulterated way. Things were going well and I almost felt normal until my imagination began to take over and all of a sudden the rest of the room was filled with imaginary bisexual women in Catholic school girl uniforms eating each others pussies, pausing only to slap my ass and egg me on. In that moment I realized that porn had poisoned me. I was no longer able to enjoy conventional sex for what it was. Porn had effectively diminished my ability to pursue happiness, a right expressly afforded to me by the constitution.

Well, this girl looks nice, but frankly I wouldn't date her because I don't think she would be kinky enough.

Now, I know what you are thinking. This alone is not enough to win a court case. Negligence must be proven. It must be proven that the creators and publishers of porn knew that their product could potentially harm the viewers.

This is my attorney, Mr. Rosenberg. He will be taking up my case.

I’ve got that angle figured out too. Sure they might claim ignorance. “How could we know what the reaction of an individual, much less the masses, might be to exposure to our product?” I would counter this question with one of my own. “Are you telling me that the average male porn star who has just finished a filming shoot in which he strapped an eleven inch dildo to his forehead and fucked a girl in the ass with it while she gave head to a Dalmatian, are you telling me this guy can go home and have normal, conventional sex with his girlfriend or wife?” Hell no. He is addicted too. Everyone in the industry is addicted. The porn industry knew all along that its product was addictive and harmful to its viewers because they had had ample time to witness its destructive power within their own ranks. Those bastards have to pay!

So join me, fellow porn addicts! Perverts, sodomites, Onanists; rally around my banner of sexual indignation! We must take to the streets and expose the porn industry for the chicken hawks they are! Let’s light up some torches and besiege the mighty porn citadel, drag that monster out into the light and demand what is owed to us!

Now if you will excuse me, I think a bukkaki mpeg just finished downloading. Gotta go.

	Enough is Enough: Suck my Tsunami! (1/16/05)

Ever since that goddamn tsunami donkeypunched southern Asia a few weeks ago I have been bombarded by television ads, radio announcements and printed media asking me to give money to relief funds. Hell, even a couple of readers emailed me asking me to set up a donation link on my site. Well, enough is enough. Although my heart goes out to all of those poor, little Asian bastards that lost family members or property due to the recent tsunami, I have to put an end to this nonsense this instant.

Fuck India. Screw Bangladesh. Burma can blow me. Indonesia needs to eat a dick. Piss on Malaysia and fuck Thailand (especially all of their three-dollar hookers). All of those countries got trashed. But do you know what I say? Boo-fucking-hoo. Where were those folks every year for the past 20 when hurricanes have laid waste to all of the White Trash cockroaches in Florida? Where were those countries on 9/11? Where were those countries for the 1989 San Fran earthquake? Where were any of those countries when bad shit went down here in the U.S.? Not sure? Well, I’ll fill you in.

Each and every one of those little fruitloops never even batted an eye at any American disaster. They just kept cranking out Nike sneakers and giving blowjobs to tourists for three bucks a shot. But now that all of their beachfront property got a little bit soggy we are supposed to crack open our checkbooks and let our strong American dollar console those affected by the tsunami? Fuck that noise. Allow me to put this in perspective. The countries that were hit by the tsunami lost a total of about 150,000 people. Those countries have an aggregate population of over 1.5 billion. The average death rate of Southeast Asia is 8.2 people per 1,000. That means that over 12.4 million people in those countries die every year. That makes over one million deaths per month, over 250,000 deaths per week or about 37,000 deaths per day. So 150,000 locals died in a day (less if you subtract tourist deaths)? What’s the big deal? That is statistically feasible for any given day in Southeast Asia. It is likely that such a number of deaths has occurred several times “naturally” (without the aid of a disaster) over the last century. Basically, it is a drop in the death-bucket for that region. But according to the Liberal media, that region is in a “crisis” and they need our help. What a joke. That region had a temporary, slight increase in its death rate. Nothing more. But the bleeding-pussy liberal media would have you think otherwise.

A shot of tsunami damage. How is this different than the majority of Southeast Asia? The entire area is a shit-hole.

But what really gets my naughty place all tingly and turgid are the television commercials. Did anyone see that commercial with George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton? Well, for those who didn’t, it opened with those two meat-weasels sitting in some office facing the camera. They took turns guilt tripping the audience into donating money to a tsunami relief fund. Does anyone else think this is fucked up? These two couldn’t even engage in non-partisan politics but they can come together for a bunch of foreigners? They can’t shelve their personal or party ideologies for one minute to pass legislation that would benefit Americans but they can have a Martha Stewart sit-down for the benefit of a bunch of heathens halfway around the globe who don’t give a shit about us? Good job, guys. Way to be team players.

Can’t you find someone better to give your money to than this crazy bitch?

Then, I was watching some shitty Comedy Central movie when a Unicef commercial came on asking for even more donations to help the water-logged orient. What the fuck is that? Why isn’t Unicef feeding the poor in this country? Why aren’t they providing medical care to the destitute of our homeland? God knows we have enough of them. And frankly, I wouldn’t be so pissed off about a charity giving money to the victims of a foreign disaster in most cases, but Unicef and I go way back. Every Goddamn Halloween from age 8-12 I carried around a Unicef donation box. I shamed the shit out of people, door to door every October 31st and I brought home the loot! Hell, I even threw in some money from my own five-dollar-a-week allowance because I thought it would help other kids like me… other Americans, because that’s what they led us to believe at that time. Because when you are young and someone tells you that you can help kids just like yourself, it doesn’t matter that the kid on the Unicef box is a forty-three pound Black kid with a bone through his nose. You just kind of assume that since the kid is “just like you” he lives somewhere in America. Had my teacher told me that I would be helping dirty foreigners whose greatest aspiration in life would later turn out to be short changing American tourists or stealing something from their hotel rooms, I would have freeze dried a dog turd, sliced it into coin sized shit-chips and filled my Unicef box with those. Fuck Unicef. They are lying Commie bastards who exploit trick-or-treaters!

So my basic point here, in case it hasn’t been made obvious, is that if you give money to tsunami relief you are an asshole. But perhaps even more noteworthy, you are fundamentally unpatriotic and hypocritical. Because everyone out there walks by American bums without giving change. Everyone bitches about taxes which, although inefficient, go towards benefiting our country. Most people in this country won’t even hold a door open for a fellow citizen or say “excuse me” when they brush past someone. But you same pricks are going to send money abroad to help people that you don’t even know? People with whom you have nothing in common? People who suffered what is, once population and death rate are taken into account, a minor disaster? FUCK YOU! I hope all of you people are stricken by some degenerative disease so that all you can do is watch TV and gape as hundreds of thousands of Americans ship greenbacks overseas to help random countries while you wonder why no one is helping you. Is such sweet poetic justice too much to ask?

	Christina Aguilera VS an empty Coke can (10/10/04)

Tommy Chabbs: Wow, this bout is just chock full of symbolism, metaphor and downright trashiness. Symbolically, Aguilera is biting the can that has fed her for so many years. Coca Cola certainly put a lot of Lean Cuisines on her plate over the last half decade. On a metaphorical level, Aguilera and Can share a comparable emotional, intellectual and spiritual depth, giving neither of them a clear advantage. Physically, there exists little difference between the two. One is hollow made out of aluminum and the other is hollow made out of predominantly synthetic plastics.

Loomis: Indeed, this will be a close match. The stats are nearly equal. But ultimately, I predict this battle is going to come down to sheer “trashiness.” It’s hard to say which contestant is in fact “trashier,” but I will go with Aguilera, based primarily on the fact that the synthetic plastics that comprise the majority of her body are not recyclable, whereas her competitor is 100% recyclable. This inability to be recycled is inarguable proof of Aguilera’s superiority in terms of trashiness.

Coke Can was quoted as saying, “That slut don’t know who she be messin’ wit! I do whut I want! I slap her face!”

Someone call Environmental Services, we have a large piece of festering trash in the city water supply…

Tommy Chabbs: Very interesting, my white-trash friend. I always delight in getting a peek at exactly what makes your tiny little underdeveloped testicle of a brain tick, especially when you are debating relative trashiness—a quality that you exude in copious amounts. Trashiness will not be a factor, or at least not a decisive one. We all know that both the pop star and the empty soda can are trash. Who is more or less so is of little consequence. ::leans back and dons an expression of pseudo intellectual presumptuousness:: What will ultimately decide this showdown is heart, something the empty Coke can has infinitely more of. With its red, white and blue color scheme, the Coke can is bold, patriotic and American. In short, it has the heart to go 12 rounds head to head with any ninety-five pound crackwhore, be she famous or not. Aguilera, in comparison, has no heart, despite the coincidence that she too can occasionally be found bleached and dyed red, white and blue. Just to the left of her brittle, anorexic sternum lies not a heart, but a gaping hole devoid of any capacity for human emotion, much less the heart and valor requisite to stand toe to toe with a twelve ounce Coca Cola can.

Loomis: What did you say about Aguilera’s gaping hole?

Tommy Chabbs: ::blinks:: I hate you.

Who would win? You decide! Click here to get donkey-punched over to the Angry Orcs forum and vote! While you are there, sign up for the forum and get beast-fucked by an Orc!

	Extreme Sports (8/24/04)

I’ve just about had all I can take of Extreme Sports. Every time I turn on the TV I see some snide asshole who is desperately trying to impersonate one of the Sum 41 band members talking about how big his balls are because he engages in extreme sports.

Oh yeah, fruitloop? What extreme activity do you do in your spare time? “I sky dive.” Well sweet chocolate-chip camel shit! That sounds pretty damn extreme! So let me get this straight, you fall out of a plane and then pull a ripcord. Did I get that right? “I have a snowboard strapped to my feet when I jump.” Holy Mary mother of God! Why not get more extreme and chew on a piece of dried dog shit while you are at it!?

I love people who always talk about how they sky dive and how extreme they are for doing it. Every word out of their flapping mouths is like a self-pleasuring yank on their ego-cocks. You can just tell that they would rather listen to tapes of themselves talking about skydiving than they would have sex. Or even better, they would listen to the tapes AS they had sex.

Here we see a picture of one of the most popular new sports-- “extreme man-on-man anal sex”.

Well let me tell you limp-dicks something. There is nothing extreme about sky diving. It’s not even remotely dangerous! Combined failure rates of primary and secondary chutes are less than 0.025%. That number doesn’t sound very “extreme” to me—unless you count extremely small or extremely fucking safe. An American would have a greater chance of being sodomized by a wild pack of rabid hyenas on his way to the local 7/11 than he would of dying from skydiving.

I wish I were there for this event. It would have turned into “extreme human skeet shooting”. Pull!!

”Well, I also freestyle snowboard.” Wow. That is so extreme it makes my anus pucker. You actually slide down a snowy incline on a board, wearing a helmet while emergency helicopters wait to airlift you to a hospital if you fall down and have a boo-boo? Holy shit. If I had a daughter I would demand you fuck her so that your impressive genes could fertilize my family tree.

”But I do competitive BMX freestyle jumps as well as extreme MTX racing.” Oh yeah? You jump around on your silly little bike on tracks that have been approved by professional engineers while expert EMS personnel are 30 feet away with the most sophisticated medical equipment available? Wow. And you do that while enjoying complete medical coverage? Holy shit, that’s pretty fucking extreme… if you are a pussy. That’s what people should call them, “Extreme Pussy Sports”.

Tell you what… You twinky little semen-swindlers want to participate in an extreme sport? I’ve got one for you. Cancel your medical insurance, stroll on down to the local pub, find the biggest guy in the place and spit in his face. That is extreme. Who knows, it might just be mine whose face you spit in.

Skydiving stats:
http://www.afn.org/skydive/sta/stats.html

	Rap Stars (7/11/04)

The Black culture has some major problems and we should feel comfortable discussing a few of them without being labeled racists. For whatever reasons they might be (and I don’t want to get sidetracked debating them in this rant), Blacks, on average, earn less than any other ethnic group in the U.S. Yet they spend a higher percentage of their income on luxury goods than any other group. This is money that ideally should be saved and invested, used as an economic foothold to help hoist them out of the lower class. Yet it is going towards the financing of pricey cars, the purchase of luxury clothing and footwear, jewelry and heavily taxed goods like tobacco and alcohol. There is something wrong with this picture. This discrepancy between income and consumer patterns begs the question of, “Why?” Well, I’ll tell you. DMX, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Nelly, 50 Cent and the remainder of the intellectual Special Olympic division of the entertainment industry are responsible. All of these self-professed “role models” and advocates of the African American predicament are poisoning their own people.

Black men and women, these people are your enemies. They are traitors. Their treason is not premeditated, I will admit, but it is simply their explosive stupidity as individuals that has precipitated this avalanche of misdirected consumerism. Black people in this country have very few “role models” of shared ethnicity and the ones that are out there endorse the most ignorant lifestyles imaginable. Turn on MTV Cribs and you might see some ass-head like 50 Cent show you his customized Lamborghini that he bought for a cool two hundred thousand dollars, but he probably couldn’t even check the oil or tire air pressure on the thing. Perhaps in the house he would show you his original Salvadore Dali painting that he bought for a smidgen under a million, but if you asked him, “so you like surrealistic art?” he would probably respond by saying, “who be Sir Realistic? Dis shit is Dali!” These rap stars are advocating a life of consumerism that is quantified and qualified by price tags and brand name recognition.

So listen up, rap stars, with those meaty paychecks comes some civic responsibility. Instead of showing us your S. Dali painting, show us a fucking diploma. Show us a scholarship fund that you set up for underprivileged youth. Show us not a Lamborghini that you bought from a dealership, but a car that you built with your own hands after studying automotive engineering. Redirect your people’s interest from the endless purchasing of total fucking bullshit and point it at something meaningful in the real world. Every time I see an interview with you treacherous scum I nearly vomit. Your people are relatively poor and under educated with extremely high rates of teenage pregnancy, welfare dependence and narcotic addiction. Yet you promote violence, poor work ethic and whining in your music and with your lifestyle. It’s no surprise that with role models like you rap stars, your people are unable to effectively leverage themselves out of the fetid mire of poverty, vice and non-education.

Yo, yo, kids. I’m Jay Z. If you want to be like me, buy lots of expensive shit you don’t need, treat women like crap and make sure you have a bad attitude 24/7 because potential employers love that shit. Peace!

This being said, I do not mean to imply that the Black public is the blameless victim of ignorant rap star manipulation. Fuck no, that tune is old and tired. Blacks (and other minorities) have been able to point the finger at someone else for too fucking long in this country. If you misinterpreted what is written above as some new way in which to reassign total blame for your current problems to anyone other than yourselves, reread it.

Good job, asshole. You just spent your kid’s education money on eight pounds of platinum which you will finance over the next 20 years. But Goddamn, you do look pimp.

The rap stars carry an impressive amount of liability for the current obstacles that the Black men and women of this country face, but no one forced the Black public to buy into their asinine definition of what’s “cool.” The general public is still the one buying Fubu gear thinking, “Well, that jersey was really fucking expensive, but at least I’m keeping the money within my race.” Wrong. When was the last time you saw a Fubu executive walking through the ghetto handing out food or books or clothing? Stop spending money, for fuck’s sake! Save it! Invest it in your own education or that of your children. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a supporter of the Black cause, and I (along with millions of other Americans) am rooting for you, but I refuse to offer any more sympathy to the Black cause as long as I keep seeing lower-class Blacks decked out in five hundred dollar Tommy Hillfiger outfits.

So rap stars, fucking get a clue. Oh, and on a side note, all of you rap stars are pussies no matter how much trash you spit into the mic. If any of you want to go a few rounds with a pasty-ass, suburban white-boy, get in touch with me and we can make it a pay-per-view event. You can get your gangsta-ass beat on national television by a private school graduate who can’t dance, can’t jump, has no style and is a dork to boot.

And to the Black public, quit being mislead into thinking that glossy Chicago Bulls jerseys, Hennessy and Fubu jeans are what life is all about. Economic prosperity is awaiting you just beyond the veil of unawareness with which the rap stars have blindfolded you. Free yourselves from this pattern of consumption and take what is yours.

	Backstreet Boys VS Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin (6/14/04)

Loomis: Wow, here we have the nine, least intimidating combatants ever to square off in mortal combat. On one side, we have the teenage pop icons of the nineties, their combined weight totaling one hundred and ninety-eight pounds and their collective fighting experience equating to that of a home-schooled eight-year-old. On the other side, we have the four vertically (and intellectually) challenged heroes of Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy. Who are you going with on this one, Tommy?

Tommy Chabbs: My money is on the Backstreet Boys. Wrenching yourself free from thousands of anorexic thirteen-year-olds doesn’t exactly build muscle mass, but its good cardio. And that, my friend, is where this fight will be won. Since neither side can actually throw a punch that will do any damage, it all boils down to who will collapse from exhaustion first. Those tubby, hairy-footed hobbits require five meals a day and ten hours of sleep to function. They don’t stand a chance.

Loomis: Interesting choice, but alas, your preference betrays your ignorance, my simpleminded friend. Perhaps you have forgotten that at the end of Fellowship of the Ring, Merry and Pippin are taken prisoner by Sarumon’s Orcs of the White Hand. Although their imprisonment was not comparable to conventional incarceration, we must assume that during the un-filmed hours of those long, dark nights of captivity they participated in the same activities that prisoners do today. ::Loomis’ eyes glaze over as he is lost in the moment:: It is not unrealistic to assume that they were forced to shank another prisoner to earn credibility…

“Yo yo! I’m finna kick-step them in the nuts!” A.J., the “bad boy” of the group (second from right), was quoted as saying.

Tommy Chabbs: Uh, there were no other prisoners, Loomis.

Loomis: …or maybe give each other tattoos using the black blood of their captor Hiru Kai and the Elven cloak brooch given to them by Galadriel…

Interviewed between his first and second breakfast, Pippin boasted, "Those catamites are in for a choreographed beat-down! Shire represent! Uh!"

Tommy Chabbs: What?

Loomis: …or during the long cold nights, partake in the magnificent suppleness of each others’ furry Hobbit-rumps…

Tommy Chabbs: Oh, my God! Stop! Just fucking stop already!

Loomis: Wha--? ::seems to snap out of it:: Oh, um, what I mean is that since they have endured the, uh, trials and tribulations of prison life, the Hobbits are likely more hardened, calloused combatants, ready to fight tooth and nail in order to survive. ::grins sheepishly::

Tommy Chabbs: Jesus, I’m not sure which is more frightening, your perfect knowledge of all things J.R.R. Tolkien or your immediate assumption that Merry and Pippin, despite bearing names of questionable masculinity, participated in booty-bandit activities during their imprisonment. ::shakes his head::

Head over to the angryorcs forums to cast your vote. While you are at it, get signed up to post. It is fast, simple and the forum there rocks.

Did you miss the first VS Battle? Want more? Click here.

	HIV/AIDS… What a Crock of Shit (5/31/04)

I’m so sick of the media trying to make the American public paranoid with reports on “widespread epidemics” that are “threatening” our lives. It’s like they are trying to cultivate a mass case of Munchausen syndrome on a national scale. Every time I turn on the TV or the radio there is some Viagra poster boy with a bad comb-over and a shitty tie telling me I have to watch out for ultra-violet rays, saturated fats, polyps on my brownstar and coughing Asians. Because if I don’t, according to that slack jawed ringmeat I am in danger. Or even better is when they tell me that one of my loved ones might be in danger. Leveraging people’s love for family and friends… now that is some low shit. “Your children might be at risk of having their spleens ripped out of their assholes! Even while they are at school! Tune in at six o’clock to find out why!” I can’t even count the number of times I have heard that crap. But ya know what? There is one great lie, one huge farce that takes the entire media shit-cake. HIV/AIDS.

Nearly every time I turn on the radio or television I am bombarded with advisories and warnings that we are in the midst of an epidemic—a crisis! According to the media, whether you are watching CNN, MTV or listening to Loveline, we are all in imminent danger of contracting HIV because it is spreading at an unprecedented rate! It is sweeping across this nation like a biblical tidal wave of ravenous locusts and no one will be spared!

Well, you know what the media hates more than anything? An informed consumer. Someone who does his research. Someone who won’t buy into their shit without questioning it. Someone like… me! And someone like you after reading this article!

Although the media likes to spray its doomsday philosophy all over the populace like Ron Jeremy administering the money shot at a bukkaki party, the facts tell a different story all together. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 900,000 U.S. residents are infected with HIV. Our great country has 290,000,000 residents. This means that less than a third of a percent (0.3%) of the population is HIV positive. Well, golly gee, that doesn’t sound like an epidemic. But they say it’s spreading! So maybe not many people have it now, but it’s spreading! So we should be terrified!

“Tune in tonight at 6:00 to hear me spout various shameful lies. I’m a news anchor.”

No. 40,000 people get infected with the disease each year. 25% of those people are intravenous drug users—meaning that they are worthless sacks of shit who deserve no sympathy to begin with. So this means that only 30,000 honest, non-smackhead individuals come down with the hiv each year. Well, ya know what? My heart goes out to them, but the fact is that if you don’t use intravenous drugs, you have a better chance of dying by either falling off of something or riding in a car than you have of contracting HIV (http://www.nsc.org/lrs/statinfo/odds.htm). What a crock of shit. Statistically it is more likely that an American will die in either an auto accident or by falling off of, uh, something, than it is likely that they will contract HIV. So why is one an epidemic—a crisis even—when the other is an accident? I’ll tell you why. Because you can’t boost ratings by telling people that if they fall off of something tall that the will die. There is no mystery there. But scaring people by telling them that sticking their dick in something can be lethal is much more lucrative. That is the type of shit that sells newspapers, magazines and airtime.

How ‘bout this prick? At least he wears his insincerity on his sleeve—err, I mean upper lip.

And on a side note, who are these asshole scientists that keep collecting donation checks for AIDS research? They have been yanking their limp cocks for, what, over fifteen years now with nothing to show for it other than fat grants and healthy paychecks? And even if they found a cure—a cure for a disease that affects 30,000 people every year (the ten thousand dope-heads don’t count because they were lost causes to begin with)—should they be proud? Cancer kills 530,000 innocents a year in the U.S.—almost twenty times the number of people that contract HIV. Shouldn’t their efforts have been channeled towards curing the more lethal disease?—the disease that is less indicative of morally suspect behavior? I say we should prick all of those scientists with dirty needles… give them a vested interest in their research.

Well, I got sidetracked there for a moment, but the point is that the media is comprised of a bunch of wolf-crying sons of bitches. Although I don’t like to be grouped into the same category as the generally ignorant cross-section of society that believes that AIDS is merely a myth, I have to partially agree with them in that for all intents and purposes, AIDS really is a myth. It affects so few people in this country. Check out the “Sources” links below if you don’t trust me.

Now before anyone interprets the above argument as some sort of excuse to not wear a condom, let me say this… I am not advocating risky sex. Far from it. All I am saying is that there are better reasons to strap on a condom than the fear of HIV. Wear a condom so your dick doesn’t end up looking like the barnacled underside of a transatlantic tanker. Wear a condom so that you don’t have lesions blossoming all over your ballsac like dandelions in the neighborhood park. Wear a condom so that you don’t create more stupid, smaller versions of yourself. Wear a condom for the dozen legitimate reasons I won’t get into here and now. What I want people to glean from this article is this:

Don’t trust the media. Question every fact that they try to feed to you. When you listen to Loveline and the commercial comes on saying, “Every hour two people in America under 25 contract HIV,” question that statement. Is that a fact or estimate? That statistic was generated using data from what year and what source? Compared to the national population, how significant of a problem is this? Who is paying for the air time? Does that party have a vested interest in putting spin on the information it advertises? And don’t just consider these aspects for HIV related bullshit, ask yourselves these questions every single time some swaggering asshole quotes a statistic. The world is full of shitbirds that will try to manipulate your perception over a myriad of topics. Don’t be the asshole that is intimidated into agreement by “facts” or “statistics.”

Sources:
http://www.niaid.nih.gov/factsheets/aidsstat.htm
http://www.nsc.org/lrs/statinfo/odds.htm
http://www.census.gov/
http://edcenter.med.cornell.edu/CUMC_PathNotes/Neoplasia/Neoplasia_07.html

	Van Helsing: a movie review (5/9/04)

To make a long review short, I would have been more satisfied had the movie teller taken my $11.75, shat in a napkin, folded it up and handed it back to me. I would have derived more utility from that and it would have saved me two hours of my time.

But I suppose you ass-necks want some details. OK, fine. But be warned, this review is going to be confusing if you haven’t seen the movie. It is hard to write a review about a movie that is such an awkward combination of dozens of dissonant ideas. I should also mention that the following contains “spoilers”—and by that I don’t mean the big ugly fins Asians put on their Hondas. I mean info that might “ruin” the film for you… if that is possible.

So the movie opens up with some black and white, abortive three-minute mutation of Mary Shelley’s book, “Frankenstein”. A bunch of dirty douche-bags with torches storm a castle and kill Dr. Frankenstein. Yay! But for some reason that isn't explained, Count Dracula is involved. And for another reason that I will never understand, the director chose to cast Richard Roxburgh as Dracula. In the film he looks like Richard Simmons with straight hair—and about that masculine. And we, as viewers, are supposed to find him to be fearsome. So anyway, Dracula is somehow involved in Dr. Frank’s experiment for reasons that are never completely fleshed out, so to speak.

A tender moment between Richard Simmons and a vaguely human-shaped hunk of meat loaf.

Hot vampire sluts: one of the film’s redeeming qualities. Unfortunately, no undead lesbian scenes.

After Dr. Frank bites it the viewer is treated to a cute little scene with Van Helsing kicking Mr. Hyde’s ass in Paris—Mr. Hyde as in Dr. Jeckle’s dark side. Don’t worry about relevance or historical chronology at this point. It is as meaningless as physics as Helsing flips around like Jackie Chan on crack and eventually emerges from the battle as the victor. But what we do learn, after Helsing kills Hyde, is that Helsing works for some sort of underground Papal secret police service that protects the world against supernatural threats. Good times.

So from here the movie becomes a series of scenes stolen from other movies. Among other scenes, we have the typical James-Bond-interacting-with-technologically-savvy-asshole scene where Van Helsing receives highly sophisticated weaponry from some egg head prick played by Faramir from Lord of the Rings. Van Helsing becomes a verifiable Inspector Gadget with all his nifty toys that would be considered impressive by modern standards even though the story is taking place a couple hundred years ago. There was a chase scene in which a horse drawn wagon jumps a fifty foot chasm—a la “Speed”—but when it lands on the other side the wagon explodes like a recalled Pinto. Yes, that’s right… Wagons made of wood explode. There is also a lot of swinging around on ropes and shit to cross destroyed bridges and what not—very reminiscent of the original Star Wars trilogy. There is also an Aliens rip off when Van Helsing finds thousands of green, slimy scrotum things that are embryonic sacks for baby vampires.

So the rest of the movie is a giant Technicolor clusterfuck. We get an intimate look into Dracula’s home life. Apparently he has enlisted the aid of thousands of midgets that appear to be a cross between Pulp Fiction’s “the gimp” and Star Wars’ “sand people” but much shorter. Dracula’s castle almost seems like a morbid rendition of Willy Wonka’s candy factory with a bunch of BDSM midgets running the show. Frankenstein’s monster makes another appearance as well as a werewolf. It was almost as if the screenwriter couldn’t decide which clichéd monsters to use in the movie so he just used them all.

But there were a few things I liked about the movie. Helsing, despite the poor directing, is a fucking pimp. In the opening thirty minutes of the flick he manages to shoot some vampire broad with a fully automatic crossbow, he rufees the female protagonist (Kate Beckinsale) and then ends up choking her for a minute or two simply because she tried to interrupt him. I like a male lead who isn't against strangling a hot chick or two just to get a point across. There needs to be more of that these days in my opinion. Unfortunately Helsing wasn’t able to strangle the director or script writer. That would have been a nice finishing touch. Actually, it would have been great if Helsing were there at the theatre to strangle each and every one of us consumers on the way out.

Van Helsing about fifteen movie minutes before he chokes the broad on the right for no good reason.

Maybe that would have taught us poor bastards a lesson for spending our hard earned money on the hope that Hollywood could have produced something that was worth more than a slightly chilled llama turd.

Wow, what a rambling fucking review. But if you have seen the movie, you will know why. If you haven’t seen the movie, don’t. Oh, and to the filmmaker responsible for this visual pap smear, Stephen Sommers… Eat a dick. As far as I’m concerned, you owe me $11.75.

	The NBA– The world’s largest association of Pussies (4/15/04)

Now, I'm not much of a sports fan. In fact, people who idolize rapist Cro-Magnons with the IQs of my peephole kind of nauseate me. Most of them are either too fat or too skinny to do anything other than yank their floppies while staring at their dumbass heroes on their 21 inch Technicolor gateway to a world that they will never be a part of. But of all the professional and amateur sports out there, there is one that takes the cake as far as the embodiment of narcissism, egomania and downright pussyness goes. That’s right, it’s basketball.

Before I get into what exactly it is about basketball that makes it one big cultural technical foul in my mind, let’s look at the “heroes” of the game. On one end of the spectrum we have old school idols like Magic Johnson. Fuck him. How does one become a role model after cheating on his wife enough times with enough dirty whores to catch the HIV? Does that qualify a person for legendary social status? Can I bang a bunch of rats, pick up a basketball and be considered a role model? Or some people like Wilt Chamberlain—a man who is one of two things; a liar or a womanizer. Either he did fuck 20,000 women or he is just like that dude you knew in high school who was always talking about all the imaginary trim he “got.” Now I don’t have much of a problem with either liars or womanizers, but do we really need to be paying the ridiculous salaries of either of these two types of people? Then we have the new school players… Rapists like Kobi Bryant and the myriad of other jackasses that we hear about every few months that were found with their girlfriends locked in the trunks of their Cadillacs. I'm sure that some people will be like, “But Kobi is innocent!” Oh yeah? Well fuck you Kobi-supporters too! The bottom line is this: If you are lucky enough to be paid hundreds of thousands of bucks a year to run around with a ball and pat your teammates’ asses, try to stay away from scandalous shit. Is that too much to ask? He may or may not have raped that crackhead but is it too much to ask of professional athletes to simply not put themselves in the position where they could be accused of something like that? Keep your filthy meat-wands in your pants and PLAY THE GAME!

Magic Johnson: Adulterer, Liar, A man of questionable morality, National Hero

Dennis Rodman in the process of being as bad as he wants to be—in this case, he has chosen to bitch like a little girl.

But what really bothers me the most about the sport—and what helps to explain why the majority of its players out there are contemptible fucktards—is that it attracts and breeds pussies. In what other sport will you find a group of ten players, each of them 6’10” tall and 300 lbs of muscle complaining that someone slapped their wrists? And then on top of that many of them still try to pretend that they are hardcore! Are you fucking kidding me?! Dennis Rodman… “As Bad As I Wanna Be.” Is that a joke? You mean as bad as you wanna be as long as someone doesn’t touch your hand? Do you mean as bad as you wanna be as long as someone doesn’t talk shit to you on the court, because then you would have to talk shit back? Do you mean as bad as you wanna be as long as your agent says it’s OK first? What a fucking pansy. Is it me or do all these players just seem like bitchy little middle school jocks on growth hormones?

And as long as we are talking about people with the intellectual capacity of pubescent pre-teens, the true blame for this clusterfuck lies with the fans. Every one of you assholes who got cut from the junior varsity basketball team and is now trying to relive a past that you never had by dutifully tuning in every Sunday afternoon to watch your whining superheroes jabber at each other like a bunch of baboons during mating season need to suck a dick.

You people are what’s wrong with society. You buy your glossy Chicago Bulls jerseys, your collector’s edition DVDs and season passes and thereby financially support the most concentrated grouping of ass-hats to ever tour the country since the 1996 reunion tour of REO Speedwagon. You and your inane decision to support these criminals is what makes other countries look at us with disdain. I hope you are happy.

	MTV’s Anti-Smoking Campaign (4/4/04)

If you are searching for the world’s largest confederation of chickenshit limp-dicks, you need look no further than channel 384 (or whatever MTV happens to be on your cable). Not that anyone would want to, but you can’t watch half an hour of that mainstream bullshit without being subjected to at least a few choice picks from their arsenal of anti-tobacco ads. Never have I seen such hypocritical advertisements so obviously directed at the “Stoopid” demographic of America.

Let’s start with why these ads are hypocritical. First off, they attack big tobacco companies for attempting to make smoking “cool” by appealing to young people. Hmm… Now, many of you out there might not be old farts like me, so you may not remember this, but in the eighties and even up to the early nineties (just prior to the beginning of the tobacco directed litigation craze) MTV, as they purport to be today, was the life giving, endless fountain of all things cool. Anything seen on MTV was the epitome of cool. That was the message that MTV execs were going for and that was what they achieved, because back then they actually were pretty cool.

But my point is, this generational icon of coolness actually employed, for instance, Dennis Leary to do the MTV propaganda commercials. For any of you who are not familiar with Dennis Leary, first off, wake the fuck up. The guy is a funny bastard—and maybe even better, he is so angry he makes me look like some pacifist Buddhist monk. You should know him.

MTV used to be so cool its name could be found in song lyrics! (Notice that guy's cigar by the way)