Do you have a question you want a straight answer to? Tired of people beating around the bush? Well, ask the Bastard himself! Curious what it is that makes hippies stink? Does your yogurt cave itch? Wondering why Liberals have survived natural selection? Unsure why your boyfriend donkey-punches you? Fire me a question and I will post it with my response.

12/11/05

Dear APB,
It has been a pleasure to read your articles and watch as you lay patriotic, bastardly waste to all that crap. Thank you for the catharsis. However, one question I would like to politely pose: Why are you pro-choice? I would like to hear a logical defense of the position, if you would be so kind to oblige.
Yours Truly,

Matt in SC

First off, at the risk of sounding like the long-haired sensitive ponytail type, I believe that as a man I MUST be pro choice. It isn’t my body and I wouldn’t want a woman telling me what to do with mine. After all, if a woman had dominion over my body, I would be some metrosexual bitch with a chinstap Backstreet Boys beard, a fitted striped shirt with gel in my hair. I would probably also have a dick in my mouth to boot. But back to the topic, ultimately, all the discomfort, emotional stress, hormonal imbalances, etc. ride on the woman's shoulders. I would feel too much like an asshole to know that and still try to tell a woman what to do.

Secondly, unwanted kids have a much higher chance of growing up as "Fucktards". I don’t want to be mugged by the product of someone's moral/religious obligation (meaning I don’t want some unwanted kid growing up in a broken home without proper parenting to end up causing problems in a society I live in). We are all entitled to our freedom of religion, but when your freedom of religion results in your fuck-trophy (read: kid) stealing my car 16 years after exiting the womb, well, fuck you and your ass-hat faith. Wait until you are at a point in your life where you not only can afford to have a kid but you also have the time to raise him/her correctly. That way, worst case you miss a few of your daughter’s soccer games and she just ends up being a stripper (which I appreciate). And I am not saying all unwanted kids end up as shitty humans, but statistically more of them do than kids who were raised in loving, two parent homes.

From an economic standpoint: Being precedes action, as they say. If a couple isn’t economically prepared to have a kid, it can be disastrous. I believe that kids should have a chance at growing up. If the parents can’t provide that chance, they should abort. Two people making a combined income of 30k a year doesn’t cut it. That kid will have the deck stacked against him. And he will end up vandalizing something of mine, which means I will have to travel back in time and take a jackhammer to your testicles.

4/13/05

If you were in control of the events in Iraq, what exactly would you do and why?
~T. Carey

Well, Mr. Carey, it would go down something like this… For a full two weeks I would advertise on the Al Jazeera television stations that an extremely important announcement would be given a fortnight hence. To get the word out to all of the poor fucksticks who don’t own TV’s over there, thousands of pamphlets would rain down from the sky, dropped from American jets. These pamphlets, decorated with pictures of whiskey bottles and big busted blondes, would inform any heathens who missed the TV commercials that an informative address was pending. I would set up big projection televisions in public places throughout the country in preparation for my announcement.

When the day came, promptly at noon my ugly mug would appear on every television in that country. “Camel Scat-Farming Techniques” and any other local programs would be interrupted by my broadcast. After giving the Iraqi public enough time to adjust emotionally and psychologically to my beat visage, I would announce my intentions in the form of a speech.

Men and recently-no-longer-inferior Women of Iraq,
I am here today to deliver to you what has the potential to be the most important speech you, your children and even your grandchildren will ever hear. So please, extend to me the courtesy and do yourselves the favor of listening closely to what I have to say.

Regardless of what you think of us Americans, whether you consider us friend or foe, there is one fact about us that cannot be argued. We are fighters and our willingness to fight for what we believe in is exactly what has made our country as powerful and free as it is today. In 1776 we needed no help. We trounced the English and sent them back to their tiny island of shitty weather and ugly women. [Dramatic pause] In 1861 our country, polarized by political and ideological differences, briefly split and the two halves engaged in what is still considered to be one of the bloodiest wars in recorded history—The War of Northern Aggression. [Pause] Throughout the nineteenth century, American citizens, driven by a concept of manifest destiny, pushed westward and brought dozens of heathen Indian tribes to their knees and baptized them in their own blood, purifying them with fire, steel and lead. [Another pause] The twentieth century brought WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam. Other shit countries that weren’t quite significant enough to catch the full attention of our military—Kosovo, Somalia, and… well, your country—got a little taste of our military’s figurative penis. And if there is one thing I can say with 99% confidence, it is, “Our military’s penis doesn’t taste good.” But the point that I am trying to get across isn’t that we win every engagement we are in, nor is it important how palatable our military penis may or may not be. My point is that America is great because we have always been willing to stand up and fight for what we believe in. We Americans believe in freedom above all other things. And deep down, I believe that most of you poor bastards also believe in the virtue and necessity of freedom.

America will be withdrawing all military personnel from your country within the next twenty-four hours. Our nation to date has spent over 160 billion dollars kicking your ass and then rebuilding all of your shit better than it was when we first destroyed it. That is approximately four times your own GDP. To oversimplify things, which I suppose I should do since this is a political address, in the past year for every dollar’s worth of goods that your country has produced, the U.S. has matched that dollar with four more invested in your country and your people. We have given you a chance that most countries never get. Without our help, your only option for escaping the psychotic reign of an insane despot would have been political upheaval in the form of civil rebellion. The process would have been bloody, costly and by no means a guaranteed success. Most likely you would have been beaten back into place with your spirits and bodies broken.

But we have given you your one chance. This is your one chance to live free. Not only are your sons and daughters depending on you to make the right choice, but the millions of Iraqis yet to be born have cast their lot with you. All of the chips are on the table. Each one of you is responsible for millions of lives. The next few years can either be the finest, proudest years of your life if you step up and seize the freedom that is there for the taking, or they could be the miserable years of a worthless existence. And the most horrible thing is that it is really up to each one of you. We have helped you get this far, but now we wash our hands of this. It is time to sack up and be men… and women who can’t show their faces in public, not the cowards you have been for the past several decades.

May God be with you (not Allah, but God)

10/24/04

So who are you voting for this election? Seems like we're screwed either way, with Kerry and Bush both promising miracle cures for all of America's ills, and I seriously doubt that either of them have the ability to do anything beyond wave flags and make half-assed promises. I'm almost considering saying "fuck it" and voting Libertarian Michael Badnarik for prez. Does it even really matter at this point? America's pretty much circling the drain about now. -Sam

This is one of the several emails I have gotten which have basically asked me, “Gee wiz, Bastard. I just don’t know who to vote for in the upcoming election. Both candidates are total pricks. Do you have any advice?”

Yes. I do. But before I dispense said advice, I should say that you, Sam, are correct in labeling both candidates as “pricks”. Sometimes it is hard to choose between two evils. Issues get confused and before long you are completely fixated on the prickiness of both parties. In situations like this I like to think of what a wise man once said to me. “When it comes to politics—or even many issues beyond the political sphere—and you are unsure what decision to make, ask yourself this question… What would piss off the hippies most? Your answer will infallibly be the path you must choose.” Goddamn it that guy rocked. I mean, wisdom doesn’t even begin to qualify that statement. It makes it all so simple.

But anyway, as to how this applies to the election… Voting for Kerry would give all the dirty hippies a collective, stinky boner. I mean, God, if Kerry were elected he would probably outlaw beating hippies and we can’t have that. I like to beat hippies with legal impunity. On the other hand, voting for Bush will give hippies aneurisms. And we all know that is a good thing. So the choice is now pretty simple. You’re welcome.

Now, if Bush nauseates you too much (which is understandable), voting for any Libertarian candidate is your next best option. Although I don’t personally back any Libertarian or their philosophies, I believe that a three-party system is better than a two-party one, and to have a three-party system, people need to vote for the third party. Sure Libertarians have no chance of winning, but by voting for one you can send the message that America is not satisfied with a dual-party system, and that is a message worthy of transmission.

9/16/04

You claim to be a patriot and it looks from our writing that you think you are hard-core. But would you really have the balls to enlist if our country were attacked?
~Anonymous

Fuck that enlisting crap. I want to be drafted! I hope they bring the draft back so thousands of Americans who took their liberties for granted will be forced to reevaluate things. Maybe that would get our country’s mentality back in line. I want to be drafted into a unit full of liberal pussies. Ever seen Full Metal Jacket when the entire barracks whips Pvt. Pile’s ass with soap bars in athletic socks? Well, it would kind of be like that, but it would just be me alone beating a few dozen liberals with a bar of soap in my jizz-sock.

But in all seriousness (not that the above text isn't serious), I would have absolutely no problem donning a flak-jacket and shooting some foreigners in the face. If Uncle Sam called on me in that manner, I would be there to back his old ass up.

9/16/04

What do you have against hippies?
~from at least three dozen people who have emailed me

Indulge me for a minute here. I am going to recount three historic occurrences and you tell me what all three have in common.

In the mid 1950’s an ambitious hippie, several years out of medical school, embarks on a quest to find a vaccine for Polio. Although he smokes weed at least once a day, his motivation and focus are not diminished. He has his goals set and nothing will stop him. After years of study, research and experiments, in 1957 he submits an oral vaccine to the World Health Organization (WHO) for approval. The WHO takes this hippie’s revolutionary vaccine and administers it to the entire world, saving millions of lives and probably billions in the long run.

June 6, 1944: Backed by British and Canadian forces, American divisions storm the Omaha beach of Northern France—the most heavily guarded of all five assaulted coastlines in the invasion of Normandy. Despite fierce Nazi resistance, the defensive fortifications are breached. This turning point in the battle was, despite what many history books might claim, due to the contributions of one brave American hippie. Seemingly oblivious to the downpour of shrapnel, MG42 suppressing fire, KAR98 snipers and the withering barrage of MP-44 bursts, the hippie managed to neutralize a key bunker using only his combat knife (he had lost his M1 Garand in a grenade explosion which had cost him his right forearm). Incredibly, he did all of this while carrying a wounded second lieutenant he came across halfway up the beach. If not for this amazing hippie, the Normandy invasion could have been a failure and who knows how WW2 would have turned out.

April 29, 1992: L.A. experiences a case of civil disorder the likes of which the U.S. has never witnessed. Riots, looting and mass violence sweep the metropolis leaving authorities awestricken and helpless. At 7:48 PM, Moonstruck Fairchild, a hippie firefighter, is called to duty. Although he ate three ounces of hallucinogenic mushrooms an hour earlier, he pulls himself together and gets down to the station. Within 30 minutes he is scaling a ladder to the fourth floor of a burning apartment building. He ends up saving 14 women, 6 children, a gay man and his gerbil over the course of the next hour. His heroic actions win him the Fire Station’s most prestigious performance award.

What do all three of these have in common? Well, they are all bullshit. My point, here, is that hippies never do squat. They smoke dope, wax philosophically about crap they don’t understand (like war) and piss their lives away whining about shit they don’t have the motivation, wherewithal or balls to change.

America has a rich, diverse history. When I leisurely sit back, (fondle myself) and think of American leaders and icons, I think of Thomas Edison. I think of Einstein who fled to the US from Nazi Germany and contributed to our national reservoir of intellectualism. I think of Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee, two “brothers” who shared national blood but weren’t scared to spill that same blood for their ideals. I think about all of the U.S. soldiers who fought and/or died abroad in the 20th and 21st centuries to preserve our liberties as citizens. I think of all these people and others and I am sincerely thankful for their sacrifices. But there is one thing all of these people have in common. None of them are hippies. And therein lies the answer to your question. I don’t like hippies because they never do anything noteworthy. Flip backwards through the pages of national history and I challenge you to find an instance in which a hippie changed the course of American history for the better. And by “changing the course of history for the better” I don’t mean smoking a bowl and toting an anti war sign around the downtown DC area.

7/18/04

You sound like an Objectivist on speed. Ever read any Rand?

Great site by the way.

V. Silagadze

You are actually the second reader to ask me that in the last couple of weeks. I hate Ayn Rand. I found her writing to be tedious, banal and depressing. Then again, perhaps I am biased. My college girlfriend gave me Atlas Shrugged to read one night, I stayed home and started reading it and she went out and ended up fucking some other guy. Perhaps I now have a strongly negative, Pavlovian response to Ayn Rand's name/writing. It reminds me of my whore ex-girlfriend. Fuck you, Mariah! Pack your fucking bikini, bitch! The word on the streets is that it is nice and toasty where you are going to end up!

7/18/04

Hey, I'd like your opinion on that train wreck of a show, starting over. Where women with problems go to learn about themselves, and end up inducing me to vomit up my lunch as they cry and grow together. Now, I'm a woman, and I don't get this fucking behavior. It makes me sick. I'm wondering what a guys point of view of this show is. Thanks.
~dodo

Woah, woah, woah! Hold on a minute. I don’t know if you sent that question to the wrong address, but do you really think old uncle AP Bastard watches “Starting Over”? Let’s “start over” for a second ourselves. I’m your run-of-the-mill angry bastard that can’t even walk down the street without noticing something that pisses him off. Do you really think I would subject myself to some trite bit of network, reality-TV backwash like “Starting Over?” I can proudly say that I don’t even know what the show is about. But I suppose I should answer your question anyway. I hate the show.

7/18/04

Dear APB,
Any chance of you ever seeking political office? Prior to scoffing, consider the extreme need our country is in and how you could catapult this nation free from its mire and malaise with the harsh truth of your testosterone-driven insight.
~Circe

Not unless they create an office in which I am allowed to powerbomb senators and house reps all over D.C. Unfortunately, I predict we are years if not decades away from seeing a politician who will actually speak his/her mind. But we can’t really blame the politicians for that. We need to work on our outlook and worldviews as citizens. Sure the public gets frustrated and annoyed with corrupt politicians. But I guarantee you that things are not going to change until the public gets irate. And by “irate” I mean the emotion you would experience if someone laughingly took a belt-sander to your nutsac. Once we get a country full of 300 million angry nutsacs, that is when we see some forward progress. So get angry, Goddamn it!

7/18/04

Dear Bastard,

What would you do for a klondike bar?

Brandy

Well, Brandy, I can safely say that if you had one and I wanted it, there would be an immediate change of ownership.

5/16/04

Right.. you do a great job mouthing off and shoving grenades up the asses of various incompetents. SO... how do you propose to get more forward thinking thinkers elected, and crusty old corporate whores booted?
~Kosh Naranek

Well, Kosh, that shit isn't really part of my game plan. I’m not setting my sites that high yet. The most fundamental problem that we face does not lie with the currently elected officials of this country. It lies with the people. All around you there are things that should be pissing you off, but you get side tracked so easily. For instance, a few MP’s make some Iraqi prisoners pull down their underoos, and that incident got more negative press than the video taped beheading of an American citizen. U.S. officials all the way up to the executive chief were stumbling all over themselves to express how frustrating—nay, how infuriating—it was that some army rednecks picked on a few prisoners. CNN threw up headlines that described the American populace and the rest of the world as “Outraged” by the “injustice”. But then a week later an innocent American gets decapitated and that is “sad” and “tragic”? Does anyone else think that there is something wrong with this picture? You fuckers have got it reversed! We shouldn’t be outraged about the treatment of those prisoners, we should be sad, or disillusioned. And we shouldn’t be sad about Berg, we should be throwing an international temper tantrum! They held down one of our citizens and chopped of his fucking head! The guy who did it wasn’t even using a tool that could accomplish this in one blow. He had to hack at it while Berg screamed and pleaded. That shouldn’t be “sad”. We should be so angry that our eyes roll back into our heads and we start foaming at the mouth.

Every time I turn on the news I see Americans getting angry about the wrong shit. So my first goal is to direct your anger at worthy targets. My second is to amplify it. The greatest moments in our national history have been when Americans have decided that they have had enough. The Revolutionary War, the Civil War, Women’s Suffrage, the Equal Rights movement… All of these great endeavors had one thing in common. The leaders of these struggles and the people who followed them had all had enough. They were fed up, pissed off and ready to butt heads with anyone who stood in their way. Let’s face it, we, as a country, are at our best when we are angry. If I can just get you bastards angry enough to wake up and realize that the American dream is fading fast and it’s being replaced by apathy and complacency… if I can just get you riled up enough stand up as a people and start demanding what is owed to you… if I can do that then you will be unstoppable. That will be the first step towards nation-wide reform. So, Kosh, my agenda isn't a specific, political one so much as it is a general push to try to resuscitate America. America is that over-dosed Uma Thurman bitch in Pulp Fiction. I’m John Travolta and the syringe is full of angrypatrioticbastard.com. I may not hit the heart the first time, but I’m gonna keep stabbing until I do. Get the picture?

5/16/04

Dear Bastard,
I heard that both G.W. and Kerry were in the Skull & Bones fraternity, and I've read that S&B are essentially a tool of the Illuminati to recruit quality members. Is it possible that the U.S. is under the control of a secret society? Is it really all that bad if it's true?
~Bug-Eyed Earl

Listen up, Fruitcake! “Illuminati?” I don’t know who you think you are, but I’m the only one allowed to use big words on this website, so pipe-down! As for a general response to your little conspiracy theorist concerns, read this. As for a more concrete answer on whether or not “the U.S. is under the control of a secret society,” I doubt it. Life just isn't that interesting. Of course we would all like to believe that some great social/political crime is in the works to give our stinky little lives meaning, most likely there is no Skull and Boner society. Or if there is, they are too busy snorting cocaine off of Asian boys’ assholes to worry about global manipulation—yes, both Bush and Kerry like Asian boys.

Would it be bad if it were true? Dozens of educated, financially proven individuals making key decisions… Yeah that would be horrible. Definitely the worst case scenario.

5/16/04

What is president Bush’s IQ?
~Dododiscoladi

I couldn’t give less of a shit what Bush’s IQ is. So many people in this country think that who the president is and how intelligent he is means something. Well, let me clue you all in. It doesn’t mean jack shit. Presidents make very few decisions. Their advisors are really the ones who call the shots. Bush might well be an idiot—and frankly, I think it is best if he is an idiot. That way his advisors will have less difficult of a time convincing him to do the intelligent thing. It’s the idiots with shitty advisors that scare me. Or the plain old lunatics. But Bush is neither. He is just some ultra-conservative Texan boy that listens to his advisors—which are fairly good ones I might add. So, Dododiscoladi, don’t worry your pretty little head over what is inside Bush’s. Let’s just hope it’s nothing so that his advisors have free reign.