I welcome emails from any
of my esteemed, thoughtful peers. If there are topics that
you feel should be addressed that currently are not on the
website, let me know. I might just do something about it.
Furthermore, if you have identified an aspect of life/society/politics
that you find particularly offensive or infuriating, send
me a rant. If it is articulate, angry or just plain crazy
enough to hold its own on this website, I just might post
it for everyone to read.
I also welcome hate mail. If you are misled enough to think
that I am actually “wrong” about something, bring
it on. I will be happy to post your email, pick it apart and
humiliate you in front of America. If I find your ideas to
be sufficiently treacherous, I might just show up on your
doorstep some quiet Sunday morning and slap you across the
face with a sperm whale duodenum.
Finally, if you want to be notified each time I post a new
groundbreaking opus of literary genius, send me an email saying
that and I will put you on the mailing list.
Dear Bastards and Bitches,
What is life without friendship? What is existence without
camaraderie? What is a blow-up doll without an orifice? The
answer, friends, to all of these questions is “One means
nothing without the other.” With that in mind, today
I offer up a tribute to friendship.
For quite some time, one of the most steadfast supporters
of APB has been a friend whom I affectionately refer to as
AAB (Angry Asian Bastard). He has been diligently working
on a Rap album that has just hit the mean streets of L.A.
The album isn’t your typical gangsta rap album. Instead,
it is my friend’s (successful) attempt to slam his nuts
into the collective mouth of the Rap music industry. And if
there are two things I support in life, one is friendship
and the other is slamming nuts into people’s mouths.
That being said, I will not try to elaborate on my friend’s
music or the purpose behind it. I will leave that up to him.
Below are Maestro’s own words which should give you
an idea of what he is all about.
Jeah! MUTHA-!
Sup in dis stupid bizatch? I’d like
ta take dis time ta introduce myself and get down ta biziness
ya dorks. Da name is Maestro aka Axe aka Gangsta. I’m
a gangsta rappa by accident. And hell no, I ain’t black
either (thank da Lord fo da).
I be a gangsta supporta of angrypatrioticbastard.com
for over a year now, and yes, I have read Patriotism Is My
Motor, Testosterone My Fuel from cover ta cover (just because
I’m a gangsta rappa doesn’t mean I can’t
read niggas). I must commend Mr. Green, cause I gots balls
man, but Green is a true travelsta, cause I aint been ta Cuba
before. A true Gangsta for real dog.
My stupid album just dropped about a week
ago. Maestro’s World Music: Anything is Possible just
hit the streets of Compton, Crenshaw, Watts, and Harlem all
on the same night, and riots have erupted immediately following
the album release. They couldn’t believe that a gangsta
with no rap skills, disgraced the hip hop industry in dis
stupid bitch. Not only is this album offensive, but I wasted
every hip hop artist past, present, and future.
See, last May 2004, a bunch of bruthas
and I were all talking jive. I immediately let dem have it
about how stupid gangsta rap, hip hop, and R&B were all
inferior to awesome bands of the 80’s such as Guns n
Roses and ACDC.
Da Bruthas said, “rap was hard…rap
takes time to master…rap is for people that were raised
in the ghetto…You could never rap if yo life depended
on it…You best back the fuck off from our music! We
invented it!“
And I was like…’Nigga please…Do
you own hip hop? Do you own the culture? My fucking grandpa
can rap…Rap is so one dimensional that Rain Man can
rap.’
Da Bruthas kept pressin, ‘Man, you
be crazy nigga! You aint black, you aint got no rhythm, and
you sure as hell can’t spit. So back da fuck off nigga!’
So I was like, ‘Fuck yall, I’m
making a rap album, ta show ya how stupid it is. And yall
be buying it, cause yo curiosity will kill ya, stupid muthafuckas!’
And da birth of novelty rap is here! I
scared the shit of out of everyone causing all haters and
non believers shut their stupid animalistic mouth’s
up.
"Maestro’s World Music: Anything
is Possible" has 16 songs plus 2 bonus. Among the 16,
2 songs alone has already defecated on the HipHop world…’Herman
the Lobsta’ and ‘Hugs not Drugs’.
"Herman the Lobsta" became a
huge hit among colleges all over the LA area. The song makes
fun of rappers dedicating their stupid song to their dead
homie that got smoked for no reason on the streets of Compton
next to the many 7-11’s, KFC’s, Liquor store’s,
and Gun shop’s.
"Hugs Not Drugs" is a song beloved
by both drug users and non users. This was the first song
I recorded…All within 30 minutes with no prior rap experience
ever. Fuck drugs…Drugs are for kids…and kids go
to prison.
If you support angrypatrioticbastard.com,
then ya better support dis album too. Do a drive by on my
website at http://www.tampopoarcade.com/
to get a taste.
Jeah! Ju know whad um sayin? Peace…
Maestro
Swing by Maestro’s
website to check out his shit. Any of you who have bought
APB merchandise in the past few weeks have received one of
his albums for free with your purchase. I still have a handful
of them. I will be sending out a copy with any T-shirt purchase
until I run out of them.
12/19/05
As some of you will recall, last week I posted another Mail
update (located below under the date heading of 12/11/05).
If you haven't read this update, do so
now. The update concerned a Justin Feemster from Ohio
who was being a particularly annoying prick by way of ignorant
emails of a naive, idealistic political nature. In my post
I made some educated guesses about Justin's life given some
search results I found using Google and other search engines.
Among my speculations about him was a statement in which I
said he was likely a fat bastard lard ass. Well, apparently
I pushed his buttons. He sent me an email within a couple
of hours of my posting and in doing so made one of the biggest
mistakes anyone can make when engaging in email hostilities...
He sent me pictures of himself (to prove he wasn't fat). Well,
to be honest, I cannot say for sure if these pictures are
really of him. There is a chance that he truly is a fat fuck
and he got one of his friends to pose for a few snapshots.
But one thing can be said for sure, either he is a fatbody
who got a friend to pose for some pictures, or the pictures
are of him and he isn't fat, but he is about as attractive
as my pre-wipe anus after a Taco Bell shit. Anyhow, read his
email below and take a peek at one of the pictures he sent
me.
attached are files of how fat i am. post
them on your website, masturbate to them or dont look at them,
i dont really care. im not fat and there is proof and in order
to verify that i am who i say i am, ive even added some personal
refrences to you. and yes i have red hair and acne. and im
fucking proud. im glad to see that, while you spend virtually
no time refuting or disproving any of my arguments, you have
done me the honor of stalking via the internet. unfortunatley,
on a scale of one to ten, you score about a 3 on the accuracy
meter. firstly, i havent wrestled since eighth grade, where
i went 14-2 weighing 180 in the heavyweight division (that
goes UP TO 215 dumbass) the reason i weighed 180 wasnt because
i was fat, it was because im six foot three. on a side note,
i now weigh 200 lbs because i lift weights every day and on
my last body fat count i had 12 percent bodyfat with a 325
lb benchpress. now, i can say what i want on the matter, but
just because im such a coneseur of truth and credibility ill
even include pictures to satisfy your urge to gather information
regarding your sixteen year old male critics. secondly, i
dont go to perry, i go to glenoak. wether its a typo, or you
just cant read is another matter entirley but i dont really
care. as for the message board, ive been boxing for a number
of years and a guy at my gym uses a liniment for injuries
that he said he got from a guy who practiced ba gua zhang.
thusly, in order to inquire about the liniments and how theyre
made, i joined the message board. so in short, suck it.
(Click on the picture to get an idea of what I think Justin
Feemster probably sounds like--you must have Flash plugins
for this)
So now for my rebuttal... This is easily the most homoerotic
email experience I have had since launching this website--some
kid emailing me 5 pictures of himself two of which were flexing
pictures with email text bragging about how much he can bench
press, what his body fat is and implications of how tough
of a boxer he is. Combine the content with the fact that there
is actually a fucking Ricki Martin poster in the background
(you can zoom in to see it by right clicking and selecting
"zoom"). Go ahead and email me Justin and try telling
me that belongs to your little sister or something. I'll believe
you. His homoerotic comments combined with the Ricki Martin
poster had me half expecting him to include his phone number
in the email so we could have some hot man-sex over the phone.
Well, I guess I will just have to live without a hot phone
sex session with an acne-ridden ginger piece of white trash.
How I had been longing to hear his awkwardly cracking pubescent
voice whisper hot gym facts about how much he can curl, bench
and squat over the phone. Damn my luck. Anyhow, let's continue.
I am feeling nitpicky today. When I googled "Justin Feemster"
I found a 16 man bracket in which Justin Feemster lost 2 matches.
Am I supposed to believe that his only two lost matches of
one-year, 14-2 season occured in the same tournement? Typically
people who are good wrestlers with records of 14-2 don't lose
the first match of a tourney like Justin did. But I am sure
Justin will email me within a few hours giving some kind of
excuse for his poor performance that day. Sure buddy, I'll
believe you. Secondly, Justin, if you had to wrestle up in
the 215 lb weight class but you only weighed 180, well, that
begs the question of, "why didn't you wrestle in a lower
weight class?" The answer to that is obviously, "You
weren't as good as the other wrestlers in those lower weight
classes so you got bumped up to fill a higher weight class."
In other words, you suck and your claim of a 14-2 record is
becoming even more suspect given that you weren't even good
enough to wrestle at your own weight. Now we get to the bench
pressing info. ::YAWN:: I love how people like to tell other
people how much they bench as if that is some standardized
rating of how fucking tough one is. I spend a lot of time
in the gym and I see a lot of stupid Justin Feemster type
shit. I see motherfuckers bouncing bench bars off their chest
to gain advantages. I see spotters give crazy amounts of help
to the person lifting and then I see the lifter stand up and
boast about how much weight he just put up--never mind the
spotter giving him a 40 pound helping hand. I see fruitcakes
benching on Nautilus machines thinking that is the same as
free weights. Basically, I see plenty of stupid shit so Justin's
claims of benching 325 don't surprise me. Maybe it is true,
but more than likely, Justin is one of those guys who walks
around the gym with his arms puffed out to the sides--typical
of textbook ILS (Imaginary Lat Syndrome). Additionally, kids
who can legitimately bench press over 300lbs dont usually
lose wrestling matches--or at least not in venues as uncompetitive
as junior high wrestling tournaments. Anyway, the homoeroticism
really resonates with these many workout/sports boasts. Gee
whiz, Justin. At age 28, I can only hope to grow up to be
as manly and tough as you are at age 16. Hell, maybe I can
even be so bold as to hope that my politics and worldview
will become as mature as yours are. Growing up in the outskirts
of a cultural metropolis like Canton is an upbringing that
I can only dream wistfully about. No wonder you are years
ahead of me in terms of your political understanding.
Now to backtrack in your email... You wrote, "you have
done me the honor of stalking via the internet." Well,
if that is an honor, allow me to really roll out the red carpet!
I have taken the liberty of registering www.justinfeemster.com
and populating it with a tribute site to, yes, you Mr. Justin
Feemster of Ohio! Now anyone who searches for your name on
the internet will find a sacred e-shrine dedicated to letting
the world know exactly how cool and enlightened you are! Maybe
4 years from now when you are in a trade school studying to
become a pipe-fitter, the chunky lesbian girl who is strangely
attracted to your red hair and pock marks will Google you
to find www.justinfeemster.com
and your chance at finally losing your virginity will fly
out the window. Or maybe if you really over-achieve and make
it into a junior college, the cool kids will Google your name
in an attempt to find something they can use to make fun of
you and... they will hit the jackpot! Or maybe your parents
who, God bless them, tried their best to raise you to not
be a total and complete douchebag, maybe they will Google
your name out of boredom or curiosity one day to find evidence
of their son's failure in all things life-related (if they
even know how to open a browser window). Who knows who will
stumble across your new website! Only time will tell, friend.
To all Feemster-esque analinguists out there, let this be
a lesson. You may think you are safe harassing people by sending
them hate mail from miles away while shielded by what you
think is internet anonymity. You are wrong. Karma is a bitch
and occasionally you will taunt someone just bonkers enough
to willingly be an agent of Karma and force you to reap the
douchiness you have sown. Lunatics like me exist and we will
gladly take time out of our days to ruin yours.
To all people who have been harried by unsolicited emails
from teenage shits who think they know everything (or even
adult shits), let www.justinfeemster.com
be your inspiration! Your belief that there is justice in
this cold world! Pass on the link to Justin's new webpage
to everyone you know! I want his hit counter above 1,000 by
the new year! Also feel free to email
The Feemster himself an congratulate him on his new website.
And to turn one of your quotations back around on you, Justin,
I think it is time that you "suck it."
Most sincerely,
APB
P.S. For the record, Justin, if you at any point in our 3
week long email correspondence had even hinted at an appology
for being such a rude, spiteful person towards me, this never
would have happened. But too late now. Ya can't unring this
bell.
12/11/05
OK, so this is going to be a rather unusual hate mail update.
Allow me to explain… About a week and a half ago an
individual named Justin Feemster began sending me hate mail.
Normally I post the hate mail I receive, but in this case
it just isn’t practical. Each of his emails were pages
long, they made very little sense and they weren’t even
amusing—they were just angry. Anger is OK, but anger
without humor? Not for my site. So anyhow, Feemster sent me
the first email attacking my political leanings I expressed
in this article.
Being the dedicated prick I am, I try to respond to all email
I get. I never succeed, but I would say I respond to about
90%. So I sent Mr. Feemster a reply that basically said, “If
you don’t like the site, don’t read it.”
This correspondence provoked not one, but two replies fired
off in succession by Justin Feemster telling me in more lengthy
and boring detail about how big of a dickhead I was. Fair
enough. So I sent yet another reply stating more or less the
same thing as my first email, “Well, if you hate me
so much, don’t waste your time emailing me.” Not
an hour after I sent that email, I get another two responses
in which Justin argued that my unwillingness to address his
32 points detailed in a three page email was evidence of my
intellectual inferiority. Aww shucks.
So I skimmed back over the emails he had sent me and gathered
the following information from them:
Justin Feemster…
is 16 years old (I love it when 16-year-olds think their worldview
is more developed than mine).
lives in or around Ohio and is familiar with Canton, Ohio.
has a very bad attitude
I spent ten minutes cross referencing these facts with Google
search results for “Justin Feemster” and then
I sent him my final response. That response is copied below
Subject: Will the real Justin Feemster
please stand up
To: "justin feemster" <choymantisbxr@yahoo.com>
Well, Justin, I have to be honest with
you. I didn’t read your latest email. I opened it to
take a look at how much you wrote, chuckled to myself to see
that it was a substantial amount and then I closed the email.
Having saved myself 10 minutes of trying to pick the small
bits of logic out of your convoluted writing style (much like
picking a few peanuts out of a large pile of shit), I decided
to use those 10 minutes in a much more enjoyable way... Finding
out who you are.
The internet is an awesome resource, and
I don’t mean "awesome" in a Sophomore in high
school way. I mean it is truly powerful. So much fucking information.
From reading parts of your never-ending emails, I remembered
you implying that you lived in Ohio... either that or Kentucky,
but for some reason Ohio stuck out in my mind. According to
the world wide web, more specifically, Google, there is only
one Justin Feemster in Ohio. Coincidentally, he is a high
school student at Perry High School (Home of the Panthers).
The home of the panthers is located in Massillion... on the
outskirts of Canton--the city you are so familiar with. At
this point, coincidences are starting to pile up. I mean,
what are the odds that there is another Justin Feemster living
so close to your stomping grounds who is a high school student?
Pretty low. Now for the fun part. This Justin Feemster is
a wrestler... one in the 215+ weight bracket. Now, I wrestled
in high school and college, but never before have I seen a
sixteen-year-old wrestler who was 215 pounds and not a total
fucking fat ass. If someone is 16 and they weigh 215 after
cutting weight, they are a disgusting fatbody. Not only is
this Justin Feemster a fat fuck, but he places poorly in tournaments!
In one particular 16-man bracket tourney, he was seeded 2nd
but he lost his first fucking match to some asshole named
Jim Georgiades who was seeded 7th. Old fat Feemster didn’t
do so well in the loser's bracket either--a bracket I am sure
he is very familiar with. Now, Perry High seems like a school
that is very proud of its students. The fact that Justin Feemster
isn’t listed in any other sports pages reinforces my
initial evaluation of him as a large quantity of refried beans
sculpted into a vaguely human form.
Also, on a side note, I saw that a Justin
Feemster with an email address that also had "mantis"
in it posted a question on a Ba Gua Zhang site a while back
and how many Justin Feemsters in the world could have the
word “mantis” in their email addresses? Have you
harnessed your Chi, Grasshopper? Definitely sounds like something
a fat young wrestler might be interested in.
So after seeing all that stuff, I came
to the following conclusion. Either you are the Justin Feemster
of Perry High--a disgruntled fat fuck--or you are someone
who has accomplished less in his life than the Fat Fuck Feemster
of Perry High. Either way, you suck at life. Because on the
one hand, you are either fat and miserable to the point of
picking internet fights with strangers, or your life is so
mediocre and you are so ambitionless that your name carries
less significance than the fat kid from Perry High. Ouch.
If you want to really see a Google search combined with a
psychotic attitude yield incredible results, check out the
article “VIP Hatemail from a ‘gangsta
rapper’ “.
7/27/05
I am posting the below email not because I have snappy commentary
on it but because it was sent to me by one of our finest currently
fighting the good fight in Iraq and I think it is good to
hear some unfiltered news from the front. We don't often get
the opportunity to hear directly from our soldiers unless
we have close friends over there, so I hope this email gives
all of you something to chew on.
APB-
I've been home in the states for about three weeks now after
a long tour in Iraq, and here's what I have to say about why
we're there. Yes, initially the public was led to believe
that there were WMD's and Saddam intended to use them against
us. Later, the reason was that Saddam was a ruthless despot
and committed many-a-crime against humanity, so we went to
set the people free. Well, all of the above are true. Despite
what is portrayed by the media, I've seen WMD's while I was
there...perhaps not nuclear, but we did find chemical weapons.
Where did we find them? Holy shit, but it was at a...gasp...chemical
weapons factory! If the artillery shells marked as being chemical
agents weren't enough, in the rubble we also found warheads
that had leaked into puddles of chemical shit and lo and behold,
gas masks.
As for Saddam being a total prick, yes,
he was, and it's a good thing that that motherfucker isn't
in power anymore. As a member and part-time interpreter for
a tactical psychological operations team, I can safely say
that a good ninety percent
of Iraqis are ecstatic that they have the ability to voice
their political opinion now without having to worry about
their families being tortured. One of the native interpreters
who worked with us had been imprisoned by Saddam for almost
a year and tortured because he at first refused to be conscripted
in the army. Following that term in prison, he joined, and
was subsequently shot through the shoulder by U.S. forces
when we invaded. Did he have hard feelings about it? Fuck
no! He recovered from his wounds and came to work for us because
he wanted to help his country and interpreting for us was
the best way he knew how.
Now, about that other ten percent of fuckheads who hate us...well,
all I can say is that they're from the tribes whose members
are constantly laying IED's in the road or firing mortars
at us; thus, we either kill or arrest the fuckers. So of course
everyone from those tribes think that we wrongfully imprisoned
or killed their poor stupid sons. Well, fuck them.
I have one other important piece of information
for any cum-receptacle that wants to say we shouldn't be there.
EVEN IF the previous two reasons can be overlooked, there
is one glaring factor preventing us from leaving now. Every
terrorist-fuckhead-martyr wannabe in the Middle East is coming
to Iraq to get a piece of America. I've seen and arrested
Jordanians, Syrians, Saudis, and Libyans (the list goes on),
all who go there to blow us up. The new government is still
unstable and can't stand on its own yet. If we were to leave
now, it would become nothing less than a stagnant shit pond
terrorist breeding ground. Iraqi Security Forces, as of right
now, would not be able to stop the growth of insurgent/terrorist
forces. Terrorists would be able to train and recruit with
impunity and target our interests elsewhere in the world.
I honestly can't say how long it will be necessary for us
to be there to aid the new government, but I do know that
to leave now would be the biggest mistake we could make.
Very Respectfully,
SPC [name removed]
6/26/05
In your response to the question " If you were in control
of the events in Iraq, what exactly would you do and why?"
You stated that, " In 1776 we needed no help. We trounced
the English and sent them back to their tiny island of shitty
weather and ugly women." I do believe that during the
war for independence that our great nation, needed, requested,
and received help from France. Other than that I agree wholeheartedly
with your response to the question posed. God bless America.
Thanks, Don
OK, I have received several emails like the one above.
I apologize because I used a basic scientific principle without
really explaining it. The irrefutable principle in question,
much like “The Earth is round, not flat,” “What
goes up must come down” and “Neglected daughters
become strippers” is that “The French suck sweaty
baboon anus.” If there is ever a situation in which
you are lead to ask yourself, “How did the French contribute
to [insert good thing here]?” The answer will invariably
be, “They didn’t. They were too busy tongue-fucking
baboon shit-ring to pitch in.” The Revolutionary War
is no different.
Yes, we signed an alliance with them against the British.
But really all that the French did was harass British transatlantic
supply lines with their navy. The French committed no sizable
amount of infantry or cavalry to any battle. They did not
engage the British navy in any significant naval battle. They
simply yapped at the heals of the British navy like PMS-ing
little poodles. Did that help us? Sure it did. But did we
need that help to win the war? I say no. England was fucked
from the get-go. They were fighting a war on foreign soil
with long, naturally treacherous supply lines against a committed
enemy, which lacked organization but made up for that shortcoming
with steadfast resolve. It was only a matter of time before
we won that war. England was the aging parent who was still
trying to bully their manchild offspring who was about to
hit puberty and join the football team (and by football I
mean the real shit, not the faggy I-take-my-shirt-off-to-display-my-sweaty-bitch-tits-when-I-score-a-goal
euro-ball). France’s involvement in our revolution was
insignificant at best. We provided the manpower, the balls,
the resolve, the blood and the bodies. France provided a distraction.
The were basically a smoke grenade in an epic battle—a
fart at a windy picnic. What we accomplished could have been
done without them.
1/16/05
your website sucks, america sucks, and you suck for caring
about anything. you should just quit whatever your trying
to do will fail atleast i hope so. get rid of your website
and sit in a corner thinking why am i so stupid. im not saying
i disagree with lot of your statments but who fucking cares.
nothing matters you dont matter shut up Matt Grubb skatenorthwest@hotmail.com
I really don't want to respond much to this email. Responding
to this is like fucking with the punchline to a good joke.
The humor is in the email itself. But what I will say to you,
Matt, is that if I ever do decide to get rid of my website,
I promise to sit in a corner and think of why you are so stupid.
It is the least I can do.
1/16/05
Your site is shit and you sound like an asshole. You're trying
to suck up to that other asshole from maddox.xmission but
are constantly living in his shadow. martin Cahill geminga53@hotmail.com
Wow, what a shit-bird. First off, a lot of people have
accused me of being a Maddox rip-off. Frankly, that gives
me a big, throbbing hardon each and every time it happens
since Maddox is such a fucking pimp. For people to even associate
my site with his is flattering even if they are calling me
a poser. Maddox is the SHIT! So recognize, bitches. As for
living in his shadow, give me a break, fruitloop. I do what
I do, he does his thing. Is there some overlap? Sure. I’m
not worried about it. But thanks for the feedback, Martin.
Dick.
11/21/04
Below you will find a piece of hate mail i got recently as
well as my response followed by the response of my insane/drunken
southern attorney.
RE: News for you
You (and most other dipshit americans)
seem to be missing out on one very important fact about your
country:
THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD HATES YOUR GUTS!
That's right, every single country on
the planet Earth would gladly have every last one of you wiped
off the face of the planet if we could. No, not just the middle-eastern
countries that attempt to terrorize you on a regular basis,
not just the countries (like the french) with the balls to
voice it, but everyone.
The whole reason for this hatred is people
like you. Arrogant, overpatriotic jerks that think America
is the only country on the planet. Hell, I live in Canada,
just to the north of you, arguably just as threatened by terrorism
as you are, yet there were people I know who cheered on September
11th, because you had finally been brought down to size.
I would hope that you get nuked, except
that you own almost all the nukes in the world, because, naturally,
only America is allowed to have weapons of mass destruction.
If anyone else shows a hint of developing them you invade.
I hope this has been enlightening
for you (not that you'll admit it)
Cameron Roberts cam1_3@yahoo.ca
I get a fair amount of hate mail but this one caught my eye
for several reasons. I catch quite a bit of flak from foreigners
about my website—most of the people who bitch are Canadians,
to tell the truth. And their criticisms are all pretty much
the same. They all target my “ra-ra go America”
attitude. Frankly, this is something that confuses me a bit.
I mean, when you look at my site, 90% of it attacks American
ideas, people or culture. Scroll through any section of my
site and although it is obvious I love my country, it should
also be obvious that my country pisses me off as well. I would
even go so far as to say that much of what pisses me off about
America is the same shit that pisses foreigners off about
America. But for some reason ignorant foreigners just can’t
see that (the enlightened ones do). These heathen naysayers
look at the aesthetic layout of my site, they focus on the
few articles I have which attack foreign cultures, and they
decide that I am a prick. It is something I can’t quite
wrap my mind around.
But anyway, enough of the calm philosophical thought. That
isn't why you folks come to this site. You come here to read
the ravings of a deranged patriot and that is exactly what
I plan on delivering today. There are two types of Canadians.
There are kind, well-centered Canadians and there are hateful,
envious Canadians like Cameron. This response is strictly
for the latter group…
So, Cameron… Is that a little boy’s name or a
little girl’s name? It is so hard to tell with you Canadians.
Since the only Cameron I have ever heard of is Cameron Diaz,
I am going to assume you are a frosty little Canadian trollop.
Now, not many women condone nuclear war… It is against
their maternal instinct. Vaginas tend to dissuade their owners
from general thoughts of genocide. God can only know how fat
and ugly you must be to have lost contact with your own vagina.
Get back in touch with it. Listen to it, heed its advice.
Ever seen Total Recall when Quato (the midget in that dude’s
stomach) speaks to our fearless California governor? “Open
your mind… Open your miiiiiiiind,” he drools.
Well, Cameron, you vagina is saying the same thing to you.
I think you should listen to those wise words as they float
out on musky breath that smells of drying saliva and hot lawn
clippings. Open your mind and realize that, although I love
America, I too have beef with it. I am not your enemy.
And I guess I should say that if you don’t in fact
have a vagina, you are still probably a bitch in the figurative
sense.
That being said, I suppose I should respond to your comment
of, “THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD HATES YOUR GUTS!”
Is that a fact? Did you, as a Canadian, take a day off from
your duties at the local fishery, ride your mule into town,
stop at the only internet café in Alberta and conduct
a worldwide survey via “that thing that connects all
computars wit each oder” (the internet for non-smacktards)?
How sophisticated of you! I really think it is cute when Canadians
act worldly—as if they know what the fuck is going on
all across the globe, miles beyond their igloos and hockey-hair.
Another thing that inflates my blood sausage is when Canadians
try to pretend they aren’t hanging from America’s
jock like some tenacious scabie. You eat up our fashion, you
devour our music, you mimic our democracy, you buy our products,
you model your businesses after ours, you watch our movies
and you eat our food. Ninety percent of you live within one
hundred miles of the US border! Your very patterns of settlement
illustrate how high up on our jock you are riding! But yet
you claim to be different—nay, better than us? You claim
the moral higher ground while you surround yourself, no, burry
yourself in American ideas, possessions and government?! You
do this while snuggling up against the warm US border like
a pup seeking milk from its mother’s teat? Who the fuck,
exactly, do you think you are? Not sure? Well, I’ll
tell you. You are jealous, wannabe playerhaters who didn’t
quite make the cut. Boo-hoo.
And on a side note, how dare you consider yourself an equally
likely target for terrorism? I cannot remember the last time
Canadian news polluted CNN. In fact, I vaguely recall some
ruckus about a Canadian mishap being the cause of the NYC
blackout years ago. But my point is, no one cares about Canada.
Every citizen in Canada could light their pubes on fire and
dry-hump the pumps of every local gas station and it wouldn’t
even come close to making the front page of any New York,
London or Tokyo newspaper. How dare you think that terrorists
would consider your sprawling hiemal expanse a “worthy
target”? Are terrorists planning on blowing up snow
to show the world they mean business? Your egomania amazes
me.
And for you to identify the French as an entity which has
“balls” is beyond reproachable. They don’t
even have the balls to field a national army! They have the
French Foreign Legion! A bunch of disorganized mercs! Is that
ballsy? To pay others to do your dirty work? This supportive
comment of yours regarding the vile French makes me think
that you might be French-Canadian… a species so filthy
its existence shouldn’t even be mentioned in good company.
Not even Jesus loves your kind.
As long as I am on one of my “overpatriotic”
diatribes, I might as well take it up a level. “Every
single country on the planet Earth would gladly have every
last one of you wiped off the face of the planet if we could,”
you wrote. Well, maybe you are right. I doubt it, but for
the sake of argument I will concede that it is possible. But
the conditional “if we could” sadly resonates.
You can’t! Not all six-hundred-and-thirty-seven of your
Canadian Mounties can bring us to our capitalistic knees!
Not even your global supremacy in the world of hockey can
intimidate us! Not even your legions of malnourished mullet-kings
who line our northern border in their trailers like a white-trash
line of a Red Rover game can cause us the slightest of alarm.
So keep hoping, my dear androgynous friend. Until your country
can field a battalion of soldiers that can’t be bested
by the Michigan Corps of Girl Scouts, it doesn’t matter
what you think! Until your country can hoist itself out of
the year 1987, throw away their acid-wash black jeans and
Top Gun aviator sunglasses, you are nothing but a distasteful
joke! Until you can bring something... anything to the global
table--it doesn't even matter what! Industry, technology,
philosophy, art... Any of those would do! Until you can contribute
something to humanity, SHUT YOUR COMMIE PIE-HOLES! Your opinion
is completely inconsequential! My leisurely mid-afternoon
shit is worth more than your opinion in any market.
Well, there it is. The Defense rests. And a bitter sweet
victory it is. I am sure I have pissed off some of my Canadian
friends with that one. But before all of you Canadians email
me telling me I am a prick, allow me this one preemptive measure.
When someone sends me an email glorifying the attacks of 9/11,
the gloves are off and all gentlemanly conduct is thrown to
the wayside.
Here is what my insane southern attorney has to say about
Cameron's email...
Col.
Rhett M. Chassereau can be found in the VIP
section spouting southern rhetoric on the
forum
9/23/04
So here I am, sitting in an internet café in London
with the worst case of batwings ever from riding public transportation
all fucking day. It feels like I would need a putty knife
to separate my scrotum from my inner thighs. I can’t
help but think if I just had scrotums in my armpits I could
totally be some Flying Squirrel superhero who glided around
on billowing nutsac to fight crime. Good times. So here I
am, sweaty nutsac and all, drafting an email to myself to
be posted in the mail section of my own website. This is almost
like literary masturbation. I love it.
If you are looking for jaw dropping political insights or
ingenious social commentary, turn back now. Go reread some
of my old shit—which is all “jaw dropping”
and “ingenious”. What follows is a quasi-coherent
chain of ramblings concerning observations I have made here
in London over the past three weeks. You may find no relevance
or interest in what follows. If so, you are cordially invited
to eat a dick.
I have used more public transportation in the last three
weeks here in the UK than I have in my entire life in the
US. It fucking sucks. The cross-country trains are loud, uncomfortable
and full of creatures that barely look human. The subways
here are like vaginas. They are dark, warm, humid and there
isn't much space to move around in. Normally I wouldn’t
mind being stuck inside a vagina for a few hours, but it is
different when there are thousands of stinky Brits in there
with you. I miss my big, shitty four-wheel-drive gas-guzzler.
Few things are as symbolically American as a car is. Freedom,
mobility, luxury, power… cars represent all of these
things. Ford and Chevy might as well start painting all of
their vehicles with star-spangled patterns.
People in Europe like to make it hard for consumers to give
them their money. The other day, I went to a local restaurant
just to get some lunch. Thirty seconds after walking into
the place, some jackass came up to me and told me to take
off my baseball cap. All around me people were drinking, smoking,
cursing and eating shitty food, but my hat was apparently
unacceptable. After telling me to remove my cap, he scurried
off without offering any clue as to what the process was for
ordering food and drink. So I had to go up to the bar and
wait for three or four minutes until the bartender finally
came over. I started to order and he interrupted me, "You
have to come down to where the cash register is." Holy
shit! Is that a fact? While we walk over there, presumably
so you don’t forget my fucking one-item order on your
way, why don’t you tell me in what other ways I can
make your job easier, asshole. Once at the cash register,
I began to give him my order but he interrupted me once again
telling me I needed a table number. So I had to go find a
vacant table, check what number my table had nailed to it,
come back and tell him. Because heaven forbid that he just
tell the waitress to give the food to the only Yankee-looking
motherfucker with a full set of teeth in the entire zip code.
That would definitely be too easy. I wanted to grab him and
scream, "Listen up, maggot! You are in the service industry!
You serve me, not the other way around!" But even if
I did he wouldn’t have understood me and I am positive
I wouldn’t have understood his response. Which brings
me to another point. I don’t care who was the first
to speak English, but the fact is that 290 million people
in the US and most of Canada speak it one way. Then the population
of the UK, which is less than 60 million, speaks it another
way. Isn’t it obvious who should conform? Bow down,
bitches! Learn the yank-speak lest we teach you another lesson
like that of 1776!
Tits on the tele! Bare breasts can be found in every kind
of media in English society. Turn on the news—titties
in your face. Pick up a newspaper—titties on page 3.
Turn on the television—technicolor titties. Mammaries
are rampant in that culture and I am a big fan. I suppose
most of the time they are presented “tastefully”
which I don’t prefer, but occasionally the envelope
is pushed. One night I was flipping through the channels and
I came across a show called “Cosmetic Surgery Live”.
I arrived just in time to see the two hosts, who were seated
behind a desk in a typical news anchor type set, begin making
commentary on “vaginaplasty”—a procedure
in which the doctors lop off some of the extra roast beef
dangling from a chicky’s meat-box. As they spoke, an
image appeared on one of the television screens behind them.
Yep, it was a close-up of a particularly flappy vagina in
all of its pink and brown glory. Because the television screen
was a large one, the vagina was much bigger than either of
the hosts’ heads, looming behind them like a stalking
alien in a sci-fi movie. It was awesome. Then they talked
about how the porn star Houston had sold the trimmings of
her vaginaplasty on Ebay for a cool $50K. I guess that because
they were talking about Houston and her nipped-n-tucked plum-smuggler
they thought it appropriate to show some video footage of
her. Yeah, you see where this is going. All of a sudden there
is a good thirty second clip of one of her porn movies in
which she is masturbating on a patio lounge chair. This show
is aired on one of the basic network channels. Amazing.
That is about all I’ve got right now (other than a
nutsac that looks and feels like a starfish that has been
run over by a 200 bikers on their way to Sturgis). Goddamn
I love being American.
8/30/04
Remember that piece of hate mail from two weeks ago (the entry
just below this one dated 8/17/04)? Well, apparently my mildly
insane Southern lawyer, Colonel Rhett M. Chassereau, found
it offensive enough to issue a Writ of Defecation to the offending
party. “What the hell is a Writ of Defecation?”
you might ask… Well, it legally entitles me to shit
on the guy. The below writ was sent to Mr. “dictator4yourcountry”
today. I am going to spend the next week eating Del Taco three
meals a day to really get the most out of this writ. If you
haven't read the offending hate mail, read
it first. Enjoy.
My
attorney knows his shit! Hah, get it?
8/17/04
Apparently there are more stupid people out there who have
decided they hate me. Below is an email I received recently...
I recently stumbled upon your link
when on another website, so i figured "It can't be that
bad."
Man was I Wrong. You bitch about liberals,
John Kerry, and many other things that most Americans don't
Give a damn about. I don't give a shit if Kerry gets elected,
because hell, I'll agree with Ralph Nader, ANYONE is better
than Bush, even you. But what pissed me off is that you have
a thing about torturing prisoners is right. So what if we're
one of the few countries that follows the non-torture thing,
we shouldn't even be in Iraq in the first place. If you can
find one reason that what we did in Iraq was good, and I believe
it, I will go to the Republican national convention and pay
a hobo to try to give Bush and Cheney a blow job in the middle
of that week on TV.
Could you be anymore dumb? I can agree
with some things you put up on this site, but really, what
the fuck? Because on a site called "Angry Patriotic Bastard"
you really have to tackle important issues, like anna nicole
smith, cyclists, and San Fransico? You aren't patriotic, you
just believe what the Bush administration tells the public.
Congratulations, you're a puppet. If you can show me a single
thing that's against something that bush did then I will declare
you god and make a religion based on worshipping you.
I'm really just angry that you consider
yourself patriotic, yet you don't have anything bad about
bush on there, only Kerry. Patriotic and George W. Bush should
never be in the same sentence together, or anywhere in the
vicinity. After you think for an hour about how to make me
look bad for saying your an asshole, You should really think
about stopping your sucking of his cock, and anyone else who's
an idiot that believes that they are patriotic. Patriotic
means you like bush, otherwise you are a terrorist, because
that's what you've been told. Do me a favor, rename your site
Angry Bastard, or Bastard by itself.
Woah. Is it just me or did anyone else have trouble understanding
that? One of my favorite things in life is when stupid people
criticize me. It really gives me a chubby. Take this ass-clown
as an example. He sends me a 350 word email (probably the
lengthiest document he has ever drafted in his life) in which
he calls me “dumb” and questions my patriotism.
There might have been other points in there, but I couldn’t
identify them even after several read-throughs. And the fucked
up thing is that he probably spent a good half an hour rereading
it and making sure it was “perfect”. Then he fires
off this half-baked mess of literary bukkaki and really expects
me to “see the light”. I would enjoy living a
day as a dumbfuck just to know what it is like… just
to know what it is like to be so fucking megalomaniacal that
I would think a garbled email from me to some random webmaster
I had never met would force him to change his ways. What a
trip that would be.
But anyway, I suppose I should respond so as not to give
him the satisfaction of pausing his director’s cut Michael
Moore documentary long enough to beat his shriveled hippie-cock
while shrieking, “APB never responded to my email so
that means I am right! YEEEEAAAAAAHHH! Star Trek RUUULES!”
But unfortunately, my response must be restricted to the small
portions of his email that I understood:
“If you can find one reason that what we did in Iraq
was good, and I believe it, I will go to the Republican national
convention and pay a hobo to try to give Bush and Cheney a
blow job in the middle of that week on TV.” Woah! Settle
down with the homoeroticism, fruitloop. No need for your dad
to blow anyone! And frankly I don’t think Cheney’s
heart could take it. But this statement of yours really shows
your dirty hippie nature. Only filthy, pinko hippies would
claim that nothing good came out of the war with Iraq. We
got to kill a bunch of Iraqis and see it televised! We got
to see those pictures
of humiliated Iraqi prisoners and you can’t tell
me those weren’t a hoot! My friend who was over there
said he got to see a cow step on a land mine. We got to rebuild
Iraq, giving the people water, food and electricity and then
watch as those dumbasses vandalized the newly built structures
that provided them with that water, food and electricity.
Talk about shitting where you eat, those Iraqis are worse
than, uh… some animal that shits
where it eats! But all that makes for great television.
A bunch of fucktards destroying their own cities. It reminded
me of the L.A. riots of ’92. Who can’t be entertained
by that? I could go on and on about all the good things that
came out of us donkey-punching Iraq but I have the feeling
it would be wasted on you.
“On a site called ‘Angry Patriotic Bastard’
you really have to tackle important issues, like anna
nicole smith, cyclists,
and San Fransico.”
You obviously don’t get it. Simpleminded fuckers like
you think the only thing that threatens America does so in
the political arena. Why do you think politicians are such
pansies? Why do you think they pussy-foot around important
issues? Because America has gone soft. A country of once-proud
patriots have bowed down to political correctness, touchy-feely
logic and oversensitivity. It is a triangular cycle. First
society went soft. Then politics followed so that they wouldn’t
upset all the soft-ass pussies that Americans had become.
Then the media just reports all of the soft politics back
to the soft public. Society, Politics
and Media. That is why I have
those three sections on my site. An attack on American politics
is simply not sufficient. For anything in this country to
change for the better, we must target all three offending
abstract concepts. America has become one big, fat, slobbering
pussy and I (unlike you) am attempting to draw attention to
it so that we can take the positive steps towards improving
ourselves as a nation. Nice spelling of “San Fransico”
by the way.
”If you can show me a single thing [on your site] that's
against something that bush did then I will declare you god
and make a religion based on worshipping you.” No problem.
Check out my pro-gay-marriage
article or take a peek at the What
The Hell… page to find out that I support a woman’s
right to choose—two positions that are polar opposites
of Bush’s stance. Or even swing by the Ask
the Bastard page to see that I think that Bush is in all
probability a moron. So go ahead, kneel before your new god.
But keep your mouth open, I need a place to rest my godly
nuts. They are a hefty burden to bear seeing as how they are
so fucking big.
“Do me a favor, rename your site Angry Bastard, or
Bastard by itself.” No.
Finally, run a spell check on your fucking email, you twit.
When you write shit like “your an asshole” you
completely expose yourself for the idiot “your”
(get it? I reused your mistake in my text to emphasize what
a douche you are! That is funny!). It takes an idiot to write
“your” instead of “you’re” to
begin with, but an even greater shithead to not click the
spellcheck button intuitively labeled with a checkmark and
“ABC” on it. Do the world a favor, you hippie,
and take that burning cone of incense next to your Buddhist
prayer rug and shove it up your dickhole. With any luck that
will cauterize your urethra and render you sterile so that
your weak genes may never be passed on. The good news is that
your dick will smell like Tulasi Sandalwood which will probably
appeal to your boyfriend. Fag.
Feel free to email that douche by clicking on his email address
above. Let him know what an illiterate piece of hippo-shit
he is.
6/27/04
Some Drunk Irish Bitch recently wrote me this little beauty…
To me, you are a perfect example
of all that is wrong with your country. You are overflowing
with testosterone to the point of ill health. (Did you ever
consider a girlfriend, it might go soem way to relieving this
for you and the porn doesn't seem to be working). This in
turn is making you excessively agressive and, I'd wager, probably
violent. This in turn makes you arrogant and gives you a feeling
of invincibility. This in turn makes you feel like you can
invade countries willy nilly and enforce your political views
and systems on the rest of the world.
Now, I know that for expressing
these kinds of opinions, you will no doubt resort to name
calling, I'm sure the word dyke or tofu lover or something
equally malignant is flashing in your mind as you read this.
Whatever you want to call me is fine. I feel securely insulated
from you all these thousands of miles away from you. I'm just
glad you are not in a position of any power. This alone lets
me sleep at night.
Hmm, where to start with this one… Let’s just
work our way through it bit by bit. “Overflowing with
testosterone to the point of ill health.” I didn’t
know this point existed! And frankly, I’m nervous! Just
thinking about all that stuff flowing through my veins that
makes me strong, independent, assertive and mentally focused
freaks me out! Who would want to be like that? Surely I am
the embodiment of poor health.
Then we’ve got some blah blah blah. This in turn blah
blah blah. This in turn blah blah blah. This in turn blah
blah blah. Am I stuck in a fucking turnstile? This is like
listening to a woman give directions. Right. Another right.
Another right. Another right. Bitch I am back at “Go”!
Can you conjure up only one cause-and-effect related phrase?!
For the sweet love of Christ! Your juvenile literary mannerisms
are like Chinese water torture! You are either the stupidest
broad to ever stroll the grassy knolls of that mossy turd
of a country or you are an evil genius insidiously pecking
away at my sanity with your repetitive mongoloid word choice
and sentence structure!
And yes, “Willy nilly” is our current foreign
policy. It is only mere coincidence that the handful of countries
we have meddled with have been run by dictatorial regimes.
Kosovo, Iraq, Somalia, Liberia: it was just happenstance that
we rolled into those locations all “willy nilly”
demanding freedom for their inhabitants. All I really can
do is offer my sincere apologies to their citizens for trying
to extend the benevolent hand of freedom and friendship to
their abused populace. Our bad.
Am I going to resort to “name calling?” Hey,
sweetheart, I call ‘em as I see ‘em. I’m
not “resorting” to anything. See, in this country
we can say what we like. I know it’s a strange concept,
but we can name-call to our red-white-and-blue heart’s
extent and no one is going to say shit—except for a
few rats like you. As for you bumping donuts or eating tofu,
hey, whatever blows your dirty hair back. And you feeling
“securely insulated from [me] all these thousands of
miles away,” well, good for you. I’m glad that
in between dodging shrapnel from IRA pipe bombs and eating
boiled potatoes you can glean some sort of feeling of security
from my lack of immediate presence.
And to step back a paragraph in your email to where you said,
“Did [I] ever consider a girlfriend, it might go soem
way to relieving [my ill health]”… No, sweetheart,
I’m waiting for an intellectual savant like yourself
to come stumbling into my life. Then I can look forward to
long romantic days of teaching you how to use the fucking
spell check tool in your word processing program.
6/27/04
Well, I knew it would come sooner or later. The inevitable
accusation…
Hey fucknuts. Nice to see you already sold out already, bitch.
You are just like every other greedy piece of shit out there
trying to get your hands on some money. Stick your fucking
paypal account up your ass! SELLOUT!!!!
Sincerely,
Fuck Your Mother
Before I get started with this gem, for any of you who are
unsure of what he is talking about, I recently posted a PayPal
tip jar under the "What the Hell is this Crap" section.
Click here to check out
exactly why I am a sellout. Now, as for my response…
Thanks for pointing out that I am a sellout, you greasy meat-piston.
I’ve sunk over 100 hours and 1,500 greenbacks into this
site over the past six months with the philanthropic intention
of bitch slapping the public across the face in order to wake
them the fuck up. Our country is in deep doodoo on many different
levels and I am being proactive in attempting to open peoples’
eyes to the shit-mire we are stuck in. My online tip jar is
simply a way for likeminded people to support my efforts.
Hosting a website is an expensive and time consuming endeavor
and it is difficult to do alone. The great majority of my
readers will probably never put anything in that tip jar and
that’s just fine by me. They are welcome to laugh at
my dozens of articles until their colons rupture and not feel
like they owe me anything. If I can get someone to look at
a topic from a new perspective and maybe get them to laugh
in the process, I’m a happy fucking bastard. However,
a few readers here and there might want to contribute something,
and I give those people two-thumbs-and-a-dick up. I certainly
can use the assistance. If that makes me a sellout, then I
guess I am one—a sellout who runs a completely free
site with no bullshit ads or pop-ups. Jackass. Who the fuck
are you and how did you manage to email me? Did they install
computer terminals in the short busses? Stick to the woodshop
classes and don’t question your intellectual superiors,
fag-meat.
3/30/04
Ahh, my first hate mail. I am going to store this sweet memory
beside that of my first kiss, my first puppy and the first
time I realized that crack-whores only charge about ten bucks
for a blowjob. Isn’t life grand? Well, without further
ado, here is what some dumbfuck had to say about the opinions
expressed on this site.
To whom it may concern,
I stumbled onto your site while I was searching for something
else on the web. I find it severely offensive and angry.
You should put some of that energy towards philanthropic activities
or something that benefits people rather than insulting them
while you hide behind a website.
I bet you are fat. No wonder you always reference the sex
you never had.
Food for thought –
Sally
Well, let’s just take this by paragraphs so I can organize
a thoughtful response. You “stumbled onto” my
website and found it offensive and angry. Ya think?! In order
to find this website you have to enter such words as “Anger,
angry, offensive, bastard, asshole.” So when you had
entered those words into Google and pressed the “Search”
button and www.angrypatrioticbastard.com came up, what did
your little rat brain think it was going to find if you clicked
that link?
Paragraph two: Does cornholing your grandmother not count
as philanthropic community service? No? Shit. Well I guess
that means I will have an extra 5-10 hours of free time a
week now.
Paragraph three: I am fat. All seven inches of me between
the head of my cock and the base are fat. Fat like a baseball
bat and I’m ready to get all Joe Pesci on your ass with
it.
Signature: “Sally.” What an old maid’s
name. Sally. Women named Sally are always frumpy old broads
with dusty pussies. You think I don’t get any ass, Sally?
I bet your crotch looks like a scene from an old western movie
with tumble weeds and dust flying around and some scorpion
hissing near a rock. And before you respond to tell me I am
wrong, drinking a glass of five-dollar-a-bottle white zin
and then fingerbanging yourself while you listen to David
Hasslehoff’s Greatest Hits album doesn’t count
as sex. Oh god, now I am envisioning you finger-drilling yourself.
I bet it would make the sound of a snake crawling through
sand. Alright, you dirty bitch. I’ve had my fun with
you. But don’t lose heart. The good thing about having
a sandy pussy is that maybe a few of those grains will turn
to pearls over time. God save the brave bastard that will
go into that clam looking for them though.
3/30/04
Believe it or not, people out there agree with me! Here is
an email I received recently…
First, let me tell you that you have
created a great web site. I am sure that you already know
that, but I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading
every word of it. It’s too bad that citizens like you
and I don't run the country. It seems like real people that
smoke pot, fight, drink, steal and go to jail now and then
can’t get into politics. Then we end up with a bunch
of pussies that have never really done anything except suck
dick to get the public to like them running our country like
they really know what the fuck is going on. Your foreign policy
kicks ass. I have been saying that same thing for years. Keep
up the good work.
Doug (last name)
Georgia, USA
Well, let me tell you something Doug. If you are ever looking
for a running partner in politics, I am your man. I’ll
fucking slap some old crusty senator across his lying face
with his own filibustering documents and then strangle him
with the American flag. It would be a suitable demise for
most of those drunk fucks. You and I, Doug. You and I...
