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Need
I even introduce this topic? The people who run this country
are corrupt sacks of weasel shit, yet you people are so slow
to anger! When are you going to say enough is enough!? Below
are some articles that I hope are incendiary enough to provoke
a response from you complacent bastards!
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Hippies owe me their freedom of speech
(8/21/05) |
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So the other day I found myself in a rather unpleasant situation.
I was debating politics with a hippy. Now, just sharing air
with a hippy is unpleasant--they smell like the tips of my fingers
after I get home from the gym and scratch my sweaty balls. Having
to talk to one is even worse because that means they are so
close that you can't avoid smelling them. But listening to their
inarticulate rhetoric-babble is nearly unbearable.
The situation arose like this; I went over to one of
my buddy's apartments to have some beers and by beer
number three other people started showing up. To make
the uninteresting part of this story short, things were
going smoothly until some news anchor on TV mentioned
Hillary Clinton. The hippy, hearing the name that he
mutters to himself while furiously jerking his four
inch penis every night, turned to the group and asked
if anyone would vote for her if she ran for president--you
could tell by the way he asked that he would lend her
his vote in a heartbeat (if you aren’t familiar
with my views on old Hilary, click
here to check them out). Now I have been a lot of
places and seen a lot of things, but I will never get
used to people who support Hilary Clinton. I react the
same way to Hillary supporters as I would to someone
who supports a man's right to marry a striped tube sock
and consummate the union on the White House lawn while
a 100 piece string orchestra plays Flight of the Bumble
Bee on violins strung with human tendons. It's just
fucking absurd. So naturally there was a pause in the
conversation as I gaped at this cretin followed immediately
by my incredulous laughter. "Fuck no," I exclaimed.
Things started to unravel at that point because he decided
to challenge my opinion. He must have thought that I
was some redneck whose sole reason for not wanting to
vote for Hillary was that she was female. So smelling
what his inconsequential little liberal mind thought
was blood, he went in for the kill.
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| Oh,
do you like that two-fingered gesture? People
like me have provided you with the freedom
to execute that manual signal, asshole. |
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He asked me if I would vote for a Black man for president.
I immediately said, "No." Now here is what I love
about Liberals... I had barely gotten to the "O"
part of "no" before he threw his hands up in exasperation
and said, "I can't even talk to you about this."
And that kills me because a true liberal--and by "true"
I mean text book definition--would have asked, "Why?"
A true liberal--one who at least tries to appreciate everyone's
point of view--would have wanted to attempt to see things
from another's perspective. But this guy didn't. My opinion
didn’t immediately fall in line with his and as a result
he didn’t want to hear anything more about it. How fucking
fascist is that? And Liberals have the nerve to call others
close-minded.
Had he asked me "why?" I would have given him an
answer that any liberal would have at least understood. I
would have said, "Blacks constitute 13% of the U.S. population.
There is no way that one can argue that an individual from
this group would be representative of the American population
as a whole. Furthermore, if this candidate got elected, he
would find himself in a situation which could only be described
as a Catch 22. If he focused primarily on Black socio-political
issues, he would alienate himself from the remainder 87% of
the population and never get reelected. But if he didn't address
these issues the Black community would turn on him and label
him an Uncle Tom or a sellout. That type of cluster-fuck situation
is something that a Chief Executive doesn’t need to
be dealing with. It wouldn’t be good for the country.
That being said, in a few years when the Hispanic population
gets up into the upper 30 percent range, I'll definitely consider
voting for a Hispanic candidate." But the little hippy-shit
never asked me so I never said that. He just assumed, even
though I’m sure he would consider himself "liberal-minded",
that he knew why I said no--because I was a racist, dimwitted,
political conservative.
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| This
flag's existance was made possible by alpha
males, not hippies. Yet hippies enjoy all
of its associated benefits. |
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But that isn't really
what got to me. I could give a shit what some patchouli
drenched human shit-stain thinks of me. What got to me
was that this ass-clown thought his opinion was more valid
than mine. Here was some 120 pound bitch whose opinion
only existed because of people like me. It was the alpha
male contingent of this country that rebelled against
the British to create the USA. It was this same group
of people that fought for democracy and freedom in WWI
and WWII. How many assholes in bellbottoms were there
storming the beaches at Normandy, Utah, Juno, Sword and
Gold? None. It was people like me, proud patriots that
were willing to make sacrifices for the global team of
democracy that paved the way for social dead weights like
this cocksucker to even have an opinion. Without people
like me, he wouldn’t be sitting in a plush apartment,
smoking a clove cigarette and waxing eloquently on politics.
He would be groveling for his pathetic existence under
the steel-toed boot of some dictator. I wouldn’t
even care if some hippy disagreed with me if he did so
knowing that his ability to voice disagreement was made
possible solely by the group of people he so blatantly
despised. But that is never the case with hippies (or
many Liberals). They have their freedom of speech, they
exercise it (relentlessly) and they never stop to wonder
why exactly they have it. |
So to all those stupid
fucks out there who might disagree with the opinions stated
on this website; while you are sitting at home beside the
fire, sipping on your French Cognac, keep in mind that the
only reason that Darwin hasn't selected you is because you
are blessed to live in the same country as hundreds of thousands
of Republicans who, although they might not want to, will
defend your right to speak your minds with their blood, sweat
and even lives if necessary. History has shown this to be
so. Therefore, fucking show some respect. The day might very
well come in the near future when you will once again rely
on our strength to defend everything that you hold sacred
in your sheltered little lives. And God forbid that we might
stop sharing our umbrella of protective benevolence with you
so that you might have to deal with the shitstorm of foreign
aggression by yourselves. Among other things, you cocksuckers
owe me your freedom of speech. Recognize that.
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US Military Casualties During Operation
Iraqi Freedom and Beyond (7/4/05) |
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OK, enough is enough. For months now I have listened to liberal
pussies (pardon the redundancy) bitch about how the casualty
rate of US military personnel in Iraq is out of control…
how it is disgusting that many young American men and women
are dying in this “horrible” conflict. Part of me
wants to say that you can’t really blame them since the
liberal media perpetuates this idea with its constant reporting
of US military casualties. The media reminds me of an overzealous
sports announcer who must constantly narrate and dramatize every
single detail of every damn player on the field. But then I
realize that these are hippies we are talking about and of course
they are culpable.
Let’s put some shit in perspective:
| In the last ten years,
total out-of-action, peacetime deaths in the US military
have averaged about 900 per year. I think I need to repeat
that, so that it isn’t lost… 900 US soldiers
die per year in times of peace. That means, when this
war ends, 900 US soldiers will die every year from accidents,
murder, sickness, suicide or any other non-combat form
of death. According to recent mortality rate information,
we have lost around 1,745 troops in Iraq thus far. Keep
in mind the war started in March of 2003. This means
that the war has been raging for 2.3 years. Therefore,
on average, 759 US troops are killed each year in the
war. But wait, 759 is less than 900—the average
peacetime mortality rate of our military?!? How does
that work? It doesn’t, or at least not logically.
More troops die in peacetime than they do in war by
war-related deaths.
A savvy hippie might interject at this point that peacetime
deaths are independent of wartime deaths in the sense
that people will still die of natural causes while “at
war”. |
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| Shut
up and let this man do his job. It is no more
dangerous than many civilian jobs. |
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|
True. I admit that a certain number of non-combat deaths
occur while at war, but I would also contest that not nearly
as many occur while at war. See, while a soldier is doing
his best to stay alive, he doesn’t have the time to
commit suicide or murder and he doesn’t even really
have time to get sick. People are at their healthiest and
safest when their life is on the line, ironically. Additionally,
I am not implying that more soldiers die in peacetimes. What
I am trying to do is put things in perspective. 1,745 US military
deaths over the course of 2.3 years is not considered to be
“a lot”.
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| Someone
who is too slow to understand basic algebra. |
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Now am I saying that the loss of life is not tragic? Of
course not. It upsets me that Americans have died. But
I am just a big fan of perspective. When politicians and
media cocksuckers try to make it sound like Iraqi streets
are running deep with the blood of Americans, it pisses
me off. By any statistical analysis, (and before anyone
gets pissed, I should note that I am putting emphasis
on “statistical”) casualties in Iraq are negligible.
Throughout the course of history, any general or chief
executive would have loved to enjoy our current kill/death
ratio as a function of our population.
And to all those people who claim Iraq is another Vietnam…
Are you people even aware of what you are saying? Can
you even fathom how ignorant you sound when you say that?
Because it sounds to me like you folks had a sudden urge
to get political but didn’t have the knowledge base
requisite to make anything more than a stupid fucking
comment—“Iraq is another Vietnam.” Oh
really?
See, like I said before, I am a big fan of perspective.
A crucial part of perspective comes from data in the form
of numbers. So why don’t you political savants help
me reconcile some data… over 58,000 American military
personnel died in Vietnam. About 1,745 have died in Operation
Iraqi Freedom. |
Let me put it to you folks like this. Let’s say that one
of you guys who says Iraq is another Vietnam is taking a shower
at the gym. Your penis is 1.745 inches long. The guy next to
you has a dick that is so long it is lying on the tile floor
as he showers. In fact, it is 58 inches long—33 times
the size of your dick. Would you actually have the audacity
to compare your cock to his? Could you actually look at him
and be like, “Hey buddy, looks like we are working with
pretty much the same hardware”? What reality do you semen-swindlers
live in? How can you even compare Iraq and Vietnam in any manner?
Hell, if you take the casualty figure as a function of population,
Vietnam was 48 times as costly in terms of US military lives.**
Oh, but wait, you people don’t actually think for yourselves.
You just regurgitate liberal shit that you snarfed up off of
some public access radio station or CNN. Well, allow me to offer
a resounding FUCK YOU in your general direction! Our military
is kicking ass and not even bothering to take names… because
taking names would mean they have less time to kick ass. And
they wouldn’t like that.
**(1.75/58) x (1970 US population/current US population) = M
1/M = 48
Where M stands for “Math too difficult for stupid hippies”
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Freedom of Religion
(3/7/05) |
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So the other day I’m sitting there, being a lazy bastard
and scratching my nuts. I thought briefly about whacking off
but that just seemed like too much effort. So I did what I always
do when completely bored. I turned on the TV and searched for
a really absurd show on some obscure cable channel. My efforts
were rewarded when I came across a one hour special on Voodoo.
It was playing on Discovery or The History Channel or some shit
like that. The thought of watching some Sub Saharan tribals
bleed out a few chickens kind of appealed to me so I tuned in.
I
was treated to a pretty comical first few minutes of
wild-eyed jackasses running around claiming to be “possessed.”
But then some pasty-ass professor gets on and says,
“Many people think Voodoo is a form of Black Magic
or an otherwise aggressive power that is invoked to
attack one’s enemies. But it is really a legitimate
religion and it deserves our respect.” Was this
guy actually trying to legitimize such ridiculous acts
by qualifying them as a religion?
That got me thinking. Sure, this country was founded
on certain basic principals, one of which being freedom
of religion. That I concede. But this concession needs
to be balanced by realizing that freedom of religion
meant something completely different to early colonists
and citizens than it does to us today. Back then it
meant not getting terrified into buying indulgences
by corrupt clergy or not getting a hot iron poker stuck
up your dick-hole by the Spanish Inquisition. Freedom
of religion was about people being able to discreetly
do their own thing. It wasn’t about them running
around like savages, claiming to be possessed and attacking
living and inanimate objects alike—actions that
I learned are apparently integral to the practice of
Voodoo. Secondly, no one said anything about respecting
other religions. |
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| I
mean, come on. Did these guys really mean
to endorse Jo-Boo’s freedom to cornhole
a chicken and then feed on its life-force
via the jugular? |
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Freedom of religion is a far cry from respect for all religions.
During the ten minutes I watched the program (I just couldn’t
do it any longer than that), I saw these African tribals scatter
good corn meal on a road for at least a mile to ward off evil
spirits, I saw them slaughter more animals than they could
eat in a rather inhumane manner, and I saw some asshole break
a bottle over his own head (while “possessed,”
of course) and then some other sketchy bastard actually started
sucking on the motherfucker’s head-wound in an attempt
to tap into the spiritual power that had possessed the man.
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| Meet
Jo-Boo. His pastimes include raping virgins,
sacrificing goats and worshiping Grudock,
God of Bat Shit. We respect his religion! |
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Let me say that again: the motherfucker was actually sucking
on another person’s head-wound. And folks in the
U.S. really wonder why Africans are starving and dieing
left and right from AIDS? Oh, my God! If they stopped
throwing cornmeal all over the countryside and thought
twice before sucking on an open wound like Nosferateu,
maybe they wouldn’t be in the situation they are.
I’m getting kind of side tracked here, but my point
is this: Fuck freedom of religion. Our forefathers meant
it in one way and we have interpreted it in another. They
thought we should have freedom of religion but this decision
was made only after having been exposed to Christianity
and the harmless animism of Native American Indians. They
had no idea that the world was populated by complete and
utter morons gibbering in tongues as they sucked each
other’s blood.
So people like the bonehead professor who said that Voodoo
is a legitimate form of religion that must be respected
should be bludgeoned over the head until their blood is
spilled and then thrown into the midst of a dozen creepy
heathens who will likely try to suck, finger and fuck
his brand new orifice. He might change his opinion after
that. And as far as I’m concerned, religions should
be treated like what they are, not-for-profit organizations.
They should be held responsible in all the same legal
ways. If members of your organization are caught sticking
their fingers in choirboys’ buttholes, your organization
should be shut down. If your organization is caught violating
health regulations, you should be fined or shut down depending
on the severity of the infraction. |
If your organization is involved in terrorist attacks that
take the lives of thousands of people, every single one of
you motherfuckers should be hunted down, pinned beneath the
steel-toed boot of American justice and shot in the head like
a sick animal. When did we become so touchy-feely that we
decided all religions needed to be respected? When did we
start buying into all the bullshit fed to us by HR specialists,
money hungry attorneys and stupid fucking hippies that purport
to be wise and worldly but have never left the Starbucks in
downtown San Francisco? Why can’t we all just agree
that freedom of religion is generally a good thing, but just
like any good thing, too much of it is dangerous?
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Nah-na-nah Nah-nah! (11/5/04) |
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What a glorious day Tuesday was. Our fearless leader was reelected
and millions of liberal meat-pockets did what they do best--they
whined like short-changed whores.
| Now, because some of
the people who visit my site are a little slow when it
comes to processing information, I should make a clarification
(again) so that I don't get more worthless email from
worthelss people. I do not like Bush. That is not why
I am sitting here right now at my computer wearing nothing
but a pair of old boxers and balancing my keyboard on
my politically conservative erection so that I can type
a rant to post on my site. For redundancy's sake, I shall
state it again; I do not like Bush. But I will tell you
what I do like… Tonight, as I lay down to sleep
in my shitty little room, I will close my eyes, hold my
breath and I will listen. And although for what will seem
like a short eternity I will hear nothing, just as I am
about to give up there will be a faint humming. A distant
buzz that seems to come from every direction at once.
That will be the sound of about a hundred million liberal
pussies wailing their discontent into the night. A few
hundred thousand will be bitching over triple-chocolate-anus-latte
talls in every Starbucks outlet across the country. Another
hundred thousand will be sitting with the members of their
shitty book club taking time out from their Ayn
Rand discussion to snivel about Bush. Another hundred
thousand will be phoning their friends to make asinine
claims like they are moving to Canada tomorrow in order
to escape Bush's tyranical reign (waaah!!). |
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| A
moment before I personally fucked a hundred
million liberals in the ass... Goddamn I rock. |
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|
Combined, all of their bitching, wailing and whining will
synthesize to create a concerto so beautiful that Beethoven
himself would be shamed were he alive to hear it. I will listen
to this masterpiece and I will giggle like a pubescent school
girl and then masterbate like a pubescent school boy. And
frankly, I am stoked because the concert won't stop for at
least a few months and, if I am lucky, a few years.
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| Ho-ly
shit! Am I at Bangkok International Airport
or an American voting booth on election day?
It is pretty hard to tell from the fucking
signs. |
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A few thoughts on the election... An observation that
I touched on breifly above but have never understood,
why do Liberals always bluff like they are going to move
to Canada when they don't get their way? What the fuck
is that? I mean, first off, no, no you aren't going to
move to Canada. You are going to stay here in the U.S.,
uncomfortably close to me and continue to whine indefinitely.
Because that is what you would rather do. You would rather
be miserable here than be happy in Canada (if such a thing
is possible). And why Canada? If I decided that I were
through with the U.S., I think I would be able to find
a slightly more attractive new home than Canada. Bermuda,
Cyprus, the Virgin Islands... It doesn't take a genius
to look at a globe and come up with better options than
Canada--a cold, empty place denizened by American impostors
with bad hair, acid washed jeans and slightly strange
accents.
|
Also, a short aside, look at the pic above. This is a picture
I took on the way into the voting booth. Is it really too much
to ask that voters speak, read and write fluent English? The
American political system is challenging and nebulous enough
for native born English speakers to try and comprehend. I think
it is safe to say that if you can't speak or read English, your
opinion isn't contributing anything to the election process.
Anyway, I would just like to conclude by saying, "Nah-na-nah
nah-nah!" to all of you bleeding pussy liberal fart-huffers.
We all know you would absolutely love to fuck America with your
big-government domestic plans and your
spineless stance on foriegn affairs, but it will have to wait
at least another four years. In the meantime, get accustomed
to the taste of Republican cock, because you can bet the Senate,
the House and the President himself will be lacing it into your
collective mouth. Bon apetit, meat-holes.
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Licenses for Children (10/17/04) |
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Is it just me or does anyone else out there think that people
should need licenses in order to pop out kids? Don’t we
have enough idiots in this country already? Do we really need
ex-cons banging strippers and producing even more of their own
kind? Or more welfare recipients squeezing out offspring who
will never stand a chance in life? Enough is enough. In this
country you need a license to drive a car. You need a license
to operate heavy machinery. You need a license to practice medicine.
You need a license to practice law. Why? Because all of these
actions are potentially dangerous if an unqualified individual
undertakes them.
| Do you want an alcoholic
driving? Do you want a suicidal crackhead operating a
forklift? Do you want a carpenter performing surgery on
your brain tumor? No, no and no. So why should a couple
of ass-brains be allowed to reproduce more ass-brains
that will cause even more social drag? When can we take
that next step to curb this harmful social behavior? A
great example of this ludicrous conduct which is currently
allowed is when state and federal prisons allow conjugal
visits for convicted felons. Believe it or not, in many
states if someone is put away for rape, murder or some
other vile crime, they can still marry some stupid wench
while in prison and enjoy conjugal visits. Then the dumb
bitch gets knocked up and pops out a younger version of
the sociopath that boned her. All on the government’s
nickel! Uncle Sam actually pays to bus the whore to the
prison grounds, provides the ratty-ass shag-pad and pays
a turnkey to stand guard while the Charles-Manson-wannabe
lays pipe! And then the mindless twat gets a tax break
for having another child!
So I have a solution. Government regulated birth control.
We flood the national water system with depo provera
or some shit and render everyone temporarily sterile.
Then, when a couple of shit-birds apply for a marriage
license we send in the government shrinks. If they pass
a battery of psychological exams, they get a couple
years worth of birth control antidote pills. If they
don’t, well gee whiz. Tough luck guys, but your
genes didn’t quite make the cut.
|
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| Do
we really need any more of these guys? |
|
|
Sure some dickhead might argue that I am advocating what
could lead to totalitarian government. But to them I say this:
“Well, if you really think my idea is a bad one, then
prove that you are an intellectually and spiritually ‘better’
person than I and put your kids into daycare with the Manson
offspring. And while you are at it, go ahead and sublet your
guest house to the poor ex-con and his hooker-gone-straight
girlfriend so that they can have the chance they deserve.”
Email
me if you think I am somewhere out in left field on this
one.
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When I am in charge (9/9/04) |
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Ah, yes, when I am in charge. Indeed,
things are going to change. “How?” you might ask?
Well, let’s see… Among other things:
The first change: Government. Democracy doesn’t seem
to be working. Apathetic and complacent citizens don’t
vote so the public’s voice is lost. Interest groups
representing private sector businesses go to Washington and
start overpowering the meek collective voice of the few douche-bags
who actually made it down to city hall to cast their ballots.
Senators and Congressmen are bought and sold like two-bit
whores by the bribes—oh I mean contributions—of
the private interest groups. The president appoints all sorts
of ass-hats to various lifelong governmental positions in
order to return the favors to all the people who helped him
get into office. And politicians like Hillary Clinton are
not lubed up and sat atop the Washington monument out of sheer
principal. In short, democracy here in the US is somewhat
fucked.
Basically, there are
a few thousand bought-and-sold cocksucker politicians,
judges and political action committee members who are
running an anal gangbang train on our own sweet Lady Liberty
and then tossing her the American flag for cleanup. And
the whole while the public just watches with passive disinterest
as their motherland is raped by nefarious agents of greed
and corruption. Well, to quote Aristotle, “Fuck
that shit, Home-Slice”. I’m gonna clean house.
No more democracy for America. But don’t worry,
I’m not thinking dictatorship. That’s just
ignorant. I am talking about a militant yet enlightened
oligarchy with about ten members of equal standing. I
would be one of them, eight others would be my clones
and then the last would be Hillary Clinton. Why Hillary
Clinton? Ahh, because we would veto every suggestion she
made. It would drive her fucking nuts. Plus we would need
someone to bring us beer and pork rinds during our meetings
in the oval office. Hell, maybe we would even get Monica’s
fat ass to come on back and be the White House’s
cigar humidifier.
One of our first acts as the Chief Executives would be
to cut all foreign aid. I’ve been alive over a quarter-century
and never once have I heard of any country thanking us
for anything. |
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| This
will be me in the revamped Oval Office. Fog
machines, cheesy 80’s purple lighting
and barbarian presidential wardrobe. Good
times. |
|
|
And frankly, that sickens me (and my clones). Billions of
dollars are sent abroad each year (a good portion to those
whore Arab countries who hate us) and what do we get out of
it? Nothing. Well, that isn't true. I’m sure that lots
of the liberals furiously beat their small penises while fantasizing
about feeding some Arab pre-teen—some shit-bird who
will probably end up bombing an embassy when he is twenty.
So at least our national billions buy some masturbation fodder
for small-membered liberal men and big-clitted Democrat dykes…
well, that was somewhat redundant as there exists little difference
between the two.
Next, my clones and I kidnap all of the UN council members.
It is high time for their sackless nature to be punished.
But don’t worry, we will let them bring their tampons
and Vagasil along so that their delicate vaginas won’t
be harmed. We hustle them to Camp David where the Wheel of
Judgment awaits them. Ever seen Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome?
Ya know when he refuses to kill Blaster, the brawny half of
Master-Blaster? They make him spin that morbid version of
the Wheel of Fortune because, after all, “break a deal
and face the wheel!” Well, all of the UN pussies will
have to spin my wheel. The wheel is simple; five slices on
this tasty pie. 1) Fly immediately to Munich, Germany where
you will star in a blockbuster scheisse film. 2) Yodel into
Hillary’s cheese-crevice until either your teeth rot
out or you develop scurvy. 3) Live in Iraq for the rest of
your life because you thought it was such a dandy place to
begin with that no intervention was needed. 4) Fuck Estee
Lauder. Yeah, she is dead. I know, that’s the point.
5) Be forced to put on a Cub Scout’s uniform and spend
the night at Neverland Ranch.
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| “Who
run Barter Town?” That’s right,
bitch. APB run Barter Town! |
|
|
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After punishing the
inept UN testicle-donors, I will invade Mexico. They have
oil, silver and lots of fucking lobster. I like lobster.
So do my clones. Plus, resistance couldn’t be that
great. Most of them are here in LA anyway. There can only
be thirteen or fourteen people left in that country and
they are all corrupt semen-swindlers who can’t get
anything right. So boom! We take Mexico.
But now we are fucked because there is nowhere to deport
the illegal aliens. But that is OK, I have a solution.
It is called, “facilitated assimilation with respect
to Darwinism.” Gee whiz, Bastard, what is that?
No more bilingual school systems, no more “oprima
numero dos para espanol” bullshit when you call
the bank, no more Spanish road signs. In fact, we change
the stop light system. No longer is it color coded signals.
It will now simply be LED displays which show “go”,
“stop” or “slow” in white letters.
All fluent English speakers will be given Ford F350s
to drive and anyone who can’t ace an English fluency
exam will be given Pintos. That’s where the “with
respect to Darwinism” comes into play. You can’t
understand the traffic signal? Oops! Your Pinto just
got popped by an F350 and now your legs are broken,
your head is on fire and your spleen is dripping out
of your pee-hole! Guess you should have taken a couple
of English classes before high-tailing it over the border,
huh?
|
No
more lawsuits either. You got beef with someone? Well you settle
it Bastard Style! Bare knuckle, boot-up-the-ass brawling! And
it is all televised. So if you want to bitch about something
you better be sure that it means a lot to you because you are
running the risk of getting your ass whipped on national television.
Speaking of physical conflict, when I am in charge there
will be no sexual discrimination. Equal rights, equal fights.
I am sick to death of seeing women get in guys’ faces,
insult them and then strike them knowing that the conceptual
ghost of chivalry will somehow protect them. Then these same
women will bitch about a guy not going out of his way to hold
a door open for them or buy them drinks. Obviously these females
are having trouble deciding if they want to be a fifty’s
era broad or a second millennium lady. They seem to want the
best of both worlds. Well, in APB’s world, you can’t
have your proverbial cake and eat it too. That is commie bullshit
if you ask me. It is time for everyone to be accountable for
their actions regardless of sex, race or sheer volume of anus
hair.
Want to know what other changes there will be when I am in
charge? Well, you will have to wait. Writing this has given
me 43 simultaneous boners. I am bristling like a phallic porcupine.
I must now retire to masturbate for at least one week.
 |
Hippies ruined my Thursday
(8/13/04) |
 |
So
six days a week, like a good American, I pack my silly
little lunch and drive to work. I like being punctual
so I leave my house forty minutes before my shift starts.
The commute usually only takes fifteen minutes, so I
always get there with plenty of time to spare.
Yesterday, however, was different. See, I guess the
president decided to swing by LA and give a speech in
Santa Monica. My route to work goes through Santa Monica.
So all of a sudden, halfway to work, I hit bumper-to-bumper
traffic. I swear to God it was like the opening credits
of Office Space where even some asshole using a walker
would have been going faster than I was. But instead
of an old bastard with a walker, there were fat, ugly
liberals carrying picket signs walking faster than I
was driving. The deeper into Santa Monica I got, the
more ugly hippies there were. They were everywhere,
like pubes on Clarence Thomas’ Coke can! And they
were inconveniencing everyone! It is moments like this
one which really show you how stupid hippies are. They
flood the streets in droves with their unimaginative
picket signs, chant obnoxious and infantile phrases
like, “Bush is Bad!” and I guess they really
expect to win people over with this technique. Like
someone is going to stop and think, “Well, hippies,
your demonstration is making me late for work, your
incessant jeering is so loud it could be used as an
alternative means of pulverizing kidney stones, but
God damn you have a point! I used to sit the political
fence, but now you won me over with your inconsiderate
tactics!” What a bunch of stupid fucking people. |
 |
 |
| That's
what I am talking about! |
|
|
What really got me was when I saw some prick carrying a sign
that read, "Bush fucked the economy!" I found that
to be mildly ironic. Regardless of Bush's relative culpability
for our current economic state, I know one thing that is really
bad for the economy... When a few thousand fuckers don’t
show up to work so they can go whine and bitch about how much
they hate Bush and how much their vaginas itch. But little
gems of irony like this one apparently are not bright enough
to catch the eye of most liberals.
 |
| Here
we see a typical liberal protester. 6'2",
110 lbs and ugly as fuck. |
|
|
 |
And speaking of economy-fucking, these Liberals didn’t
seem at all perturbed that they were keeping people from
getting to work or getting home to their families. Good
thinking you twits. Whine about the economy, but don’t
do it on, oh say… the internet where you won’t
inconvenience anyone. By all means do it right in the
middle of downtown West LA where your bitching will delay
tens of thousands of people just trying to live their
lives. Way to go.
And
speaking of fucking, have you folks ever noticed that
only ugly people attend demonstrations and protests?
I think it is because they have so much pent up energy
from not dipping their wick that they need to go out
and fuck something. And if you are too ugly to fuck
another human, why not fuck society right in the ass
with your constant demonstrations? That sounds like
a great idea! It could make a good party slogan for
left-wingers. “Too ugly to get laid? Join us liberals
so at least you can anally rape society!”
Bottom line: To all liberal protesters, your childish
whining isn't converting anyone. All it does is drain
our country’s efficiency. Eat a dick. In fact,
eat several and wash them down with some syphilis-ridden
piss.
|
 |
Kerry’s nominee acceptance
speech (8/1/04) |
 |
Now, I missed John Kerry’s acceptance speech on Thursday
night because I was working but I got to read all about it in
the news—no, I HAD to read all about it in the news because
MSNBC, CNN and every other weasel-shit news conglomerate couldn’t
get off of Kerry’s jock for two days straight. So I got
to read all of the highlights and, frankly, they blew my mind.
I cannot believe that people actually like this chicken-shit
Botox-boy. Now, before I get started, I am not saying that I
love Bush. I mean, I do—angry coke-snorting, culturally
intolerant Texans who like to blow shit up tend to be my preferred
personality type when it comes to friends—but that is
beside the point. I can admit that Bush hasn’t been the
best Chief Executive to ever blow farts into Presidential bedroom
linen, so the following attack on Kerry’s speech is given
independent of any feelings I have for Bush.
So let’s take a look at some of Kerry’s monologue.
I suppose we should start with the people who introduced him.
According to the news there were many people who spoke before
Kerry and for some reason ALL of them felt the need to mention
that Kerry had served in Vietnam and been awarded three purple
hearts. OK! We understand already! You were a poor enough soldier
to get wounded three fucking times! Enough! Then, according
to MSNBC, “He was introduced by former Sen. Max Cleland
of Georgia, who lost three limbs in Vietnam. Cleland emotionally
described Kerry as ‘an authentic American hero’
who had ‘never let me down.’” Holy kick-in-the-dick
sympathy ploy, Batman! How fucking shameless is it to pick some
poor bastard who is missing three fucking limbs and probably
still has grenade shrapnel in his colon to be your intro guy!?
Hey Kerry, why not exploit some Down Syndrome kids and sick
puppies for your next speech? I mean, anything to win the election,
right? And to Mr. Max Cleland of Georgia, Kerry is “an
authentic American hero” who “never let [you] down”?
Well, I’m not sure if I buy that one. If you two were
so fucking close and you came home missing two legs and an arm,
I’m thinking that your “hero” might have been
delinquent in his duties at some point. My guess is that Kerry
was off smoking opium and banging some five-dollar Sucky-Sucky
girl while his good old pal was groping around the Ho Chi Minh
trail with his good arm looking for his nutsac. Way to be a
team player, Kerry. Suck my fucking punji stick.
After the intro given
by Kerry’s sympathy-gimp, the man himself “bounded
up on the podium…saluted sharply and said, ‘I’m
John Kerry, and I’m reporting for duty!’”
What a fucking cheeseball. Here is what I would have liked
to see at this point. Remember old Gunney Sergeant Hartman
in Full Metal Jacket (played by R. Lee Ermey)? I would
have loved to see that old bastard pop out from under
the podium, lean forward and scream into Kerry’s
face, “And I am your sweet Aunt Sally, you leather-faced
pile of maggot-shit! You look like some sort of north
east prep-boy pussy to me! Three purple hearts? Wow that
is so fucking exciting it is giving me two blue balls!
Hell, between your purple hearts, my blue balls and your
yellow belly, the two of us combined would make one colorful
motherfucker, don’t you think, priiiiivate?!"
"Uh, yes.. sir,” Kerry would have stammered.
"Yes sir what?! Yes sir you want to be combined with
me?! Private are you suggesting that you would like to
fuck Gunney Sergeant Hartman? Are you proposing that you
stick your flesh-pickle in my unholiest of places?!”
|
 |
 |
| "Six-foot
four?! I didn't know they stacked hippy shit
that high!" Goddamnit, I would love to
see this. |
|
|
At this point Kerry would have had an involuntary bowl movement
and passed out. That would have made my year. But unfortunately,
my personal hero Gunney Sergeant Hartman was nowhere to be
found. Instead Kerry went on to embarrass himself further.
After bagging on Bush for manipulating our military and allowing
it to be “overstretched”, Kerry promised, “On
my first day in office, I will send a message to every man
and woman in our armed forces: You will never be asked to
fight a war without a plan to win the peace.” Are you
telling me that, if elected president, you will not engage
in a war with the intent of losing? HOLY JUMP-ROPING JESUS!
 |
| Here
we see a bunch of sellouts. In the late sixties
these fruits were spitting on Kerry calling
him a baby-killer. Now they are contributing
to his campaign fund. Liberals are hypocrites.
|
|
|
 |
How fucking revolutionary!
See, because up till this point in U.S. history, every
president has engaged in war with the intent to lose but
for some reason everything keeps getting fucked up and
we end up winning every time—and before some fucknut
emails me telling me we “lost” Vietnam, well,
we might not have won by conventional standards but I
think it is pretty safe to say with an 18:1 kill ratio
we did pretty fucking well, jackass. But wow, Kerry, your
idea to set out with the goal of winning wars is a novel
one. What a moron.
Here is one of my favorites. At one point he actually
said, “I will be a commander in chief who will never
mislead us into war.” Really fucking clever you
asshole. Let me translate that into what bloodthirsty
terrorist organizations and Middle Eastern countries will
interpret it as… “I will be a commander in
chief who will never go to war unless some other president
kicks in the White House door, pins me on the ground,
pisses in my face and there happens to be live CNN footage
of it so that all of the stupid people in America will
understand that war is justified.” Now if you do
get elected, every cock-sucking nation out there that
has beef with us is going to push our buttons in obscure
ways. They are going to treat us like shit and try to
provoke us but not do anything overtly hostile because
they will know that we have a pussy in office who promised
no suspect wars. They will know that you won’t declare
war unless it is obvious that it is necessary so they
will all just nip at us like little obnoxious fucking
poodles. Good job, ass-hat, if we are unlucky enough to
have you as a pres we will have our national hands tied
behind our backs. Thanks, prick. Personally I would prefer
having a schizophrenic Texan xenophobe as a leader—someone
who is so batty that other countries shy away from even
looking at us funny, much less openly opposing us. |
Then Kerry offered a complete non sequitur. “For
Teresa and me, no matter what the future holds or the
past has given us, nothing will ever mean as much as our
children. We love them not just for who they are and what
they've become, but for being themselves, making us laugh,
holding our feet to the fire, and never letting me get
away with anything. Thank you, Andre, Alex, Chris, Vanessa,
and John.” What kind of soft pussy shit is that?
What kind of desperate ploy to appeal to a demographic
is being pitched at America? “Hey, I was irresponsible
enough to have five kids. Now my wife’s goo-hole
is the size of a jet hangar. That means that you can identify
with me.” Tangents like this make me think Kerry
is really just a large doll with one of those pull strings
coming out of his back. You yank on it and he says something
non-offensive that the majority of people might agree
with. What a putz.
And of course the crowd ate his speech up like an inbred
dog gobbles down its own day-old shit. That is why liberals
amuse me so much. Thirty-five years ago liberals were
spitting on vets like Kerry and his intro-gimp when they
came home from Vietnam. Now you can’t get them to
shut up about how great it is that Kerry is a Vietnam
vet. |
 |
 |
| Here
we see Mrs. John Kerry’s vaginal opening.
Note the tattoo of “Mussolini”
just above the dilated labia. Interesting.
Perhaps some of her vaginal fascism has absorbed
into Kerry over the years. It might explain
a few things. |
|
|
 |
| Is
this a dog eating its own shit or is it a
Democrat gobbling up Kerry’s lies? Tough
call. |
|
|
 |
Well, which is it,
folks? Also thirty-five years ago liberals were dodging
the draft like a prude girl dodges the money shot, but
now they bag on Bush for doing what they did. Well, which
is it folks? For as long as I can remember liberals have
bitched about the upper economic class as if it were the
enemy, but now they are going to vote for someone whose
net worth is around half-a-billion bucks. Well, which
is it folks? Liberals are like the fickle fat bitch at
Baskin Robins. “Hmm, I think I want chocolate chip…
No wait, peanut butter chocolate… No, hold on, maybe
I want—” SHUT UP! Liberals, accept the fact
that you are nothing but one big collective fat bitch
who can’t make up her mind about anything! I can’t
believe our system actually lets you people vote! How
can you hypocrites live with yourselves? Say what you
like about political conservatives—they are heartless,
they are greedy, they are imperialistic. Well, maybe they
are. But at least they are not hypocrite, flapping pussies,
constantly and willingly riding the enormous cock of political
ignorance and personal hypocrisy.
If you want to hear how other Vietnam vets think about
the man with the Botox butthole, check out this
link. |
 |
Why your car is worth more than the
lives of hundreds of people in the Middle East and Africa
(7/4/04) |
 |
During the beginning of 2003 I was forced to listen to all the
hippy bitches out there nearly shit themselves in fits of liberalism
screaming about how innocent Iraqis were dying. Then I had to
endure similar bitching about Liberia, about how all those poor
people over there were dying and living under tyranny and how
we should have had to go over there and help them out. Ironically,
I’m sure that if we had gotten any more involved than
we did, these same whiners would have started bitching about
how we were either killing innocents or infringing upon their
rights. But I’m here today to let you know that it’s
okay to kill these people because their combined lives are worth
less than your car!
Oh, haha, no no no.
You got me all wrong. I didn’t come to this conclusion,
you did, Mr. Hippy! See, something occurred to me the
other day when I went to the carwash and saw some goofy
asshole pull his 2003 Volkswagen Bug with a “War
is not the Answer” bumper sticker into the automatic
bay and order a deluxe wash. Here was the classic Liberal,
driving a new car worth $20,000, and taking the time
and money to get it washed up all nice and pretty. This
guy was easily the incarnation of every outspoken liberal
fuck who bitched about the killing of innocents in Iraq
and who later bitched about the poor people of Liberia,
and then bitched again about the poor Iraqis. So I’m
sitting there in my car, wondering if there is a way
I can slash his tires without getting caught when it
occurs to me that his car is worth more than the combined
value of dozens, if not hundreds of Iraqi and Liberian
lives. He paid 20,000 bucks for his car, he probably
puts Silver or Premium gas in it ‘cause he looks
like that kind of putz (gas that he buys at low prices
thanks to the actions of our conservative Chief Executive)
and he goes to car washes where he purchases the deluxe
packages.
|
 |
 |
| Here
we have the combined value of 10 dirty Somalians.
Pretty, isn't it? |
|
|
When it’s all said and done, this asshole has spent
the twenty grand initially to get the car and then probably
two or three thousand bucks a year to maintain it. Think of
how many people he could save with some sort of “Sponsor
an Arab” organization. A twenty grand buy-in plus a
few grand a year could save a lot of lives. He could have
forgone his personal luxury and sent food, water and medical
care to Iraq. Hell, he could have single handedly paid for
the relocation of several Baghdad families out of harms way
in 2003. But did he? No. So why not?
 |
| See
this Iraqi bitch? Yeah, your car is worth
more than her life 10 times over. In between
mouthfuls of tofu maybe you can explain this
to her, asshole. |
|
|
 |
Well, if we go by generally
accepted laws of economics, it is because he got more
value out of the purchase of his car. Economic theory
says that we will always spend our money on what gives
us the most utility or usefulness. Obviously, he has decided
that his car is more important than the lives of a dozen
people living in Iraq or Liberia. So why is he bitching
so much about foreign policy when it is obvious that his
car is more important to him? Shit, I don’t know.
If anything, shouldn’t he be bitching about something
car related since that part of his life is evidently at
the forefront of his mind? And what is even more confusing
is that there are approximately 120 million Liberals in
this country. Let’s guess that 80 million of them
have cars. If each of them really cared about those poor,
under-privileged people in Iraq and Liberia, they could
all sell their cars and each save a dozen people. This
would be 960 million people saved! Almost a sixth of the
world population! That is the combined populace of Iraq
and Liberia six times over! Holy shit! We have a solution!
Okay, hippies, go out and sell your cars. Then use the
money to save people! Listen, I just want to thank the
hippies out there who have brought this confusing issue
to my attention. At first I thought you were all just
hypocrites, driving around in your Bugs, Minis and Volvos,
spending absurd amounts of money on luxury items while
you bitched unproductively about the sad predicament of
other cultures. But in reality, you all just hadn’t
come up with a solution yet. |
Well, I’m glad to have helped by providing a viable means
to ameliorate this source of tension and contention. I expect
to see a lot less traffic in the near future. You’re welcome.
 |
Same Sex Marriages (6/6/04) |
 |
Before we start, I just
wanted to tell any Liberals reading this to go ahead and
whip out your cocks and get the hand lotion. This time
I am siding with you guys, so sit back, relax, and stroke
you pathetic little chubbies as uncle AP Bastard takes
the Liberal side of things for a minute…
Same Sex Marriages: I have heard just about as much as
I can possibly stand on this topic. Gays shouldn’t
be allowed to get married. Yes they should. Nuh uh! Uh
huh! ENOUGH!!! Let me clue you bickering ass-pipes in
on something. North Korea has nukes—most likely
pointed at us. China is a one-billion-communist stick
of dynamite with its dirty pinko fuse lit. People in this
country are starving in the streets picking through trashcans
hoping to find a used tampon to suck on for some protein.
The Arab world hates us and wants to see us all burn in
a giant jihad fireball. And I haven’t gotten laid
in two weeks! And you people are worried that two guys
who have been porking each other for five years might
be able to continue doing it with wedding bands on their
ring fingers?! Who the fuck are you people?!
I can’t wait to see the look on your whiney little
faces after you have distracted our country to the point
where one day we wake up and find ourselves wandering
through the rubble of our once beautiful cities because
we were so fixated on Bruce and Skip getting hitched that
we didn’t notice the communist armies rolling their
armor units across our borders. How big of a deal is it
going to be then whether or not Bruce and Skip had to
elope to Canada in order to give each other matrimonial
blow jobs? As we are herded into concentration camps will
it really comfort you right wing fuckers to know that
at least Bruce and Skip didn’t get a state-sanctioned
license to cornhole each other? Are you really going to
be happy then? No. And neither will the limp-wrists, because
communists have no fashion sense and living in a world
dominated by oppressive grays is worse than any right
wing social oppression that you can offer. |
 |
 |
| Hey
there Fruitloop! APB is behind you 100%. Wait,
I didn’t mean it that way! |
|
|
So do everyone a favor: shut the fuck up and let America deal
with the important issues.
 |
Mistreatment of Iraqi Prisoners (5/2/04) |
 |
In regards to the alleged torture of Iraqi prisoners:
Much like the rest of the world I find myself in a state of
horrified disbelief. Have things really gotten this bad? Is
this what society has come to? At what point did sanity become
completely subtracted out of the human equation? Is the world
so fucking full of pussies that we can’t just torture
a few of those murderous Iraqi bastards without everyone throwing
a shit-fit? Come on, folks!
In case any of you liberal
twat-meats can’t piece it together, those “poor
Iraqis” were prisoners—and for good reason.
They weren’t taken into custody because they were
hugging and kissing American troops or handing out flowers
or helping old ladies cross the street. They are the types
of assholes that you saw weeks ago dancing around the
charred corpses of US security contractors. They are the
worst of the worst. These are the types of people who
would kill you if they could. If one of you hippie pussies
saw one of those “poor prisoners” face to
face and there wasn’t a real American around to
protect you, they would murder you—strictly for
shits and giggles. You keep that in mind before you whine
about how they were “tortured.”
Speaking of being “tortured”, is it just me
or does anyone else think that this term does not apply
to the situation? I think of “torture” and
I think of bamboo shoots shoved underneath the fingernails.
I think of M80 firecrackers jammed into someone’s
pee-hole and then detonated. I think of being forced to
sit silently in the front row of Oprah’s studio
as she discusses her book of the month with a gaggle of
menopausal meat-boxes who think reading John Grisham’s
new novel about yet another fucking attorney is an unparalleled
opus of literary genius. All of that crap is torture.
|
 |
 |
| Sheesh,
the wires aren’t even hooked up to his
gonads. This is torture-lite. |
|
|
But I look at those pictures of the “poor Iraqi”
criminals and I see some ridicule and some mild pain. I mean,
really all that happened was a bunch of guys were forced to
get naked, dog pile each other and then have their penises
laughed at by a woman. Sounds like they are now finished with
SAE pledging. Someone toss them a beer and initiate them!
 |
| Make
my day! No seriously, pull the trigger. Make
my day. |
|
|
 |
“Oh, but they
are Muslims! Any type of sexual abuse is horribly demeaning
to them!”—Not an exact quotation, but the
point one article on a British news site was trying to
make. Oh yeah? Now they get extra sympathy because they
chose a faith that rates as a “10” on the
Religious Fanatic Fuckhead Index?
Blow me! It’s not our fault that those people chose
a faith based upon misogynist views of cultural intolerance.
That was their choice. Now if they are more offended because
someone took a picture of their wee-wees, well cry me
a fucking Euphrates. First of all, abuse is abuse. You
can’t go around making distinctions saying something
is harder on one type of person than another. Secondly,
other people of different religions are exposed to shit
that drives them up the wall ever day, but they deal with
it. It’s not like you see any fundamentalist Christians
bombing abortion clinics or anything.
And I love how some of the American assholes who are quoted
in the news articles waxed emotionally about the Geneva
Convention and how we have violated it—like we are
the only ones. Let me clue you fuckers in, we are the
only ones who even TRY to follow that obsolete piece of
shit. |
Fuck the Geneva Convention. We shouldn’t be held
to those standards when dealing with countries which blatantly
violate them on a daily basis. The Geneva Convention is
a civilized document to be used when waging war with civilized
countries. It should be disregarded when dealing with
people who ignore it.
Check out CNN’s article on it. According to that
cesspool of journalism, everyone is experiencing “shock
and outrage” at this atrocity. Save the fucking
melodrama for Felicity. It makes me so angry my pubes
straighten out that people are shocked and outraged about
some Iraqi Hershey-squirt who got a jolt of alternating
current when Americans are dying by the handful every
day in that crap country for a greater good. Save your
emotions for your countrymen, you pricks. If you have
any left over after mourning the deaths of thousands of
Americans who died in the great name of freedom, then
by all means, throw a little bit around to some foreigners,
but pick the recipients with a bit more discrimination.
Africans who never made a disparaging remark about us
are dying of starvation. Spanish civilians (our allies)
are dying by the dozen in terrorist attacks at the hands
of our enemies. South Koreans live in fear of their belligerent
northern neighbor. The list goes on and on, but all of
you shits don’t seem to be paying attention. Abdul
Mohamed Mohamed, who murdered a good ten or twenty innocent
Iraqis and is now being forced to stand naked in front
of an ugly chick is the last person that deserves your
sympathy. Get a clue you fucking hippies.
|
 |
 |
| OK,
guys! You are in! Have a Natural Light, you
guys have made it through pledging! |
|
|
 |
Iraqis; Pussies and Assholes to the
last man (4/20/04) |
 |
I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to get around to this
topic. I was hoping that it would dissipate like a soft fart
in an ocean breeze. But sometimes we have to do shit we don’t
want to do, I suppose—that’s something I learned
from being American. Sometimes we might not want to reach into
our tax dollar pockets and give crap-countries like Egypt |