Need I even introduce this topic? The people who run this country are corrupt sacks of weasel shit, yet you people are so slow to anger! When are you going to say enough is enough!? Below are some articles that I hope are incendiary enough to provoke a response from you complacent bastards!

	Hippies owe me their freedom of speech (8/21/05)

The situation arose like this; I went over to one of my buddy's apartments to have some beers and by beer number three other people started showing up. To make the uninteresting part of this story short, things were going smoothly until some news anchor on TV mentioned Hillary Clinton. The hippy, hearing the name that he mutters to himself while furiously jerking his four inch penis every night, turned to the group and asked if anyone would vote for her if she ran for president--you could tell by the way he asked that he would lend her his vote in a heartbeat (if you aren’t familiar with my views on old Hilary, click here to check them out). Now I have been a lot of places and seen a lot of things, but I will never get used to people who support Hilary Clinton. I react the same way to Hillary supporters as I would to someone who supports a man's right to marry a striped tube sock and consummate the union on the White House lawn while a 100 piece string orchestra plays Flight of the Bumble Bee on violins strung with human tendons. It's just fucking absurd. So naturally there was a pause in the conversation as I gaped at this cretin followed immediately by my incredulous laughter. "Fuck no," I exclaimed. Things started to unravel at that point because he decided to challenge my opinion. He must have thought that I was some redneck whose sole reason for not wanting to vote for Hillary was that she was female. So smelling what his inconsequential little liberal mind thought was blood, he went in for the kill.

Oh, do you like that two-fingered gesture? People like me have provided you with the freedom to execute that manual signal, asshole.

He asked me if I would vote for a Black man for president. I immediately said, "No." Now here is what I love about Liberals... I had barely gotten to the "O" part of "no" before he threw his hands up in exasperation and said, "I can't even talk to you about this." And that kills me because a true liberal--and by "true" I mean text book definition--would have asked, "Why?" A true liberal--one who at least tries to appreciate everyone's point of view--would have wanted to attempt to see things from another's perspective. But this guy didn't. My opinion didn’t immediately fall in line with his and as a result he didn’t want to hear anything more about it. How fucking fascist is that? And Liberals have the nerve to call others close-minded.

Had he asked me "why?" I would have given him an answer that any liberal would have at least understood. I would have said, "Blacks constitute 13% of the U.S. population. There is no way that one can argue that an individual from this group would be representative of the American population as a whole. Furthermore, if this candidate got elected, he would find himself in a situation which could only be described as a Catch 22. If he focused primarily on Black socio-political issues, he would alienate himself from the remainder 87% of the population and never get reelected. But if he didn't address these issues the Black community would turn on him and label him an Uncle Tom or a sellout. That type of cluster-fuck situation is something that a Chief Executive doesn’t need to be dealing with. It wouldn’t be good for the country. That being said, in a few years when the Hispanic population gets up into the upper 30 percent range, I'll definitely consider voting for a Hispanic candidate." But the little hippy-shit never asked me so I never said that. He just assumed, even though I’m sure he would consider himself "liberal-minded", that he knew why I said no--because I was a racist, dimwitted, political conservative.

This flag's existance was made possible by alpha males, not hippies. Yet hippies enjoy all of its associated benefits.

But that isn't really what got to me. I could give a shit what some patchouli drenched human shit-stain thinks of me. What got to me was that this ass-clown thought his opinion was more valid than mine. Here was some 120 pound bitch whose opinion only existed because of people like me. It was the alpha male contingent of this country that rebelled against the British to create the USA. It was this same group of people that fought for democracy and freedom in WWI and WWII. How many assholes in bellbottoms were there storming the beaches at Normandy, Utah, Juno, Sword and Gold? None. It was people like me, proud patriots that were willing to make sacrifices for the global team of democracy that paved the way for social dead weights like this cocksucker to even have an opinion. Without people like me, he wouldn’t be sitting in a plush apartment, smoking a clove cigarette and waxing eloquently on politics. He would be groveling for his pathetic existence under the steel-toed boot of some dictator. I wouldn’t even care if some hippy disagreed with me if he did so knowing that his ability to voice disagreement was made possible solely by the group of people he so blatantly despised. But that is never the case with hippies (or many Liberals). They have their freedom of speech, they exercise it (relentlessly) and they never stop to wonder why exactly they have it.

So to all those stupid fucks out there who might disagree with the opinions stated on this website; while you are sitting at home beside the fire, sipping on your French Cognac, keep in mind that the only reason that Darwin hasn't selected you is because you are blessed to live in the same country as hundreds of thousands of Republicans who, although they might not want to, will defend your right to speak your minds with their blood, sweat and even lives if necessary. History has shown this to be so. Therefore, fucking show some respect. The day might very well come in the near future when you will once again rely on our strength to defend everything that you hold sacred in your sheltered little lives. And God forbid that we might stop sharing our umbrella of protective benevolence with you so that you might have to deal with the shitstorm of foreign aggression by yourselves. Among other things, you cocksuckers owe me your freedom of speech. Recognize that.

	US Military Casualties During Operation Iraqi Freedom and Beyond (7/4/05)

Let’s put some shit in perspective:

In the last ten years, total out-of-action, peacetime deaths in the US military have averaged about 900 per year. I think I need to repeat that, so that it isn’t lost… 900 US soldiers die per year in times of peace. That means, when this war ends, 900 US soldiers will die every year from accidents, murder, sickness, suicide or any other non-combat form of death. According to recent mortality rate information, we have lost around 1,745 troops in Iraq thus far. Keep in mind the war started in March of 2003. This means that the war has been raging for 2.3 years. Therefore, on average, 759 US troops are killed each year in the war. But wait, 759 is less than 900—the average peacetime mortality rate of our military?!? How does that work? It doesn’t, or at least not logically. More troops die in peacetime than they do in war by war-related deaths. A savvy hippie might interject at this point that peacetime deaths are independent of wartime deaths in the sense that people will still die of natural causes while “at war”.

Shut up and let this man do his job. It is no more dangerous than many civilian jobs.

True. I admit that a certain number of non-combat deaths occur while at war, but I would also contest that not nearly as many occur while at war. See, while a soldier is doing his best to stay alive, he doesn’t have the time to commit suicide or murder and he doesn’t even really have time to get sick. People are at their healthiest and safest when their life is on the line, ironically. Additionally, I am not implying that more soldiers die in peacetimes. What I am trying to do is put things in perspective. 1,745 US military deaths over the course of 2.3 years is not considered to be “a lot”.

Someone who is too slow to understand basic algebra.

Now am I saying that the loss of life is not tragic? Of course not. It upsets me that Americans have died. But I am just a big fan of perspective. When politicians and media cocksuckers try to make it sound like Iraqi streets are running deep with the blood of Americans, it pisses me off. By any statistical analysis, (and before anyone gets pissed, I should note that I am putting emphasis on “statistical”) casualties in Iraq are negligible. Throughout the course of history, any general or chief executive would have loved to enjoy our current kill/death ratio as a function of our population. And to all those people who claim Iraq is another Vietnam… Are you people even aware of what you are saying? Can you even fathom how ignorant you sound when you say that? Because it sounds to me like you folks had a sudden urge to get political but didn’t have the knowledge base requisite to make anything more than a stupid fucking comment—“Iraq is another Vietnam.” Oh really? See, like I said before, I am a big fan of perspective. A crucial part of perspective comes from data in the form of numbers. So why don’t you political savants help me reconcile some data… over 58,000 American military personnel died in Vietnam. About 1,745 have died in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Where M stands for “Math too difficult for stupid hippies”

	Freedom of Religion (3/7/05)

I was treated to a pretty comical first few minutes of wild-eyed jackasses running around claiming to be “possessed.” But then some pasty-ass professor gets on and says, “Many people think Voodoo is a form of Black Magic or an otherwise aggressive power that is invoked to attack one’s enemies. But it is really a legitimate religion and it deserves our respect.” Was this guy actually trying to legitimize such ridiculous acts by qualifying them as a religion? That got me thinking. Sure, this country was founded on certain basic principals, one of which being freedom of religion. That I concede. But this concession needs to be balanced by realizing that freedom of religion meant something completely different to early colonists and citizens than it does to us today. Back then it meant not getting terrified into buying indulgences by corrupt clergy or not getting a hot iron poker stuck up your dick-hole by the Spanish Inquisition. Freedom of religion was about people being able to discreetly do their own thing. It wasn’t about them running around like savages, claiming to be possessed and attacking living and inanimate objects alike—actions that I learned are apparently integral to the practice of Voodoo. Secondly, no one said anything about respecting other religions.

I mean, come on. Did these guys really mean to endorse Jo-Boo’s freedom to cornhole a chicken and then feed on its life-force via the jugular?

Freedom of religion is a far cry from respect for all religions. During the ten minutes I watched the program (I just couldn’t do it any longer than that), I saw these African tribals scatter good corn meal on a road for at least a mile to ward off evil spirits, I saw them slaughter more animals than they could eat in a rather inhumane manner, and I saw some asshole break a bottle over his own head (while “possessed,” of course) and then some other sketchy bastard actually started sucking on the motherfucker’s head-wound in an attempt to tap into the spiritual power that had possessed the man.

Meet Jo-Boo. His pastimes include raping virgins, sacrificing goats and worshiping Grudock, God of Bat Shit. We respect his religion!

Let me say that again: the motherfucker was actually sucking on another person’s head-wound. And folks in the U.S. really wonder why Africans are starving and dieing left and right from AIDS? Oh, my God! If they stopped throwing cornmeal all over the countryside and thought twice before sucking on an open wound like Nosferateu, maybe they wouldn’t be in the situation they are. I’m getting kind of side tracked here, but my point is this: Fuck freedom of religion. Our forefathers meant it in one way and we have interpreted it in another. They thought we should have freedom of religion but this decision was made only after having been exposed to Christianity and the harmless animism of Native American Indians. They had no idea that the world was populated by complete and utter morons gibbering in tongues as they sucked each other’s blood. So people like the bonehead professor who said that Voodoo is a legitimate form of religion that must be respected should be bludgeoned over the head until their blood is spilled and then thrown into the midst of a dozen creepy heathens who will likely try to suck, finger and fuck his brand new orifice. He might change his opinion after that. And as far as I’m concerned, religions should be treated like what they are, not-for-profit organizations. They should be held responsible in all the same legal ways. If members of your organization are caught sticking their fingers in choirboys’ buttholes, your organization should be shut down. If your organization is caught violating health regulations, you should be fined or shut down depending on the severity of the infraction.

If your organization is involved in terrorist attacks that take the lives of thousands of people, every single one of you motherfuckers should be hunted down, pinned beneath the steel-toed boot of American justice and shot in the head like a sick animal. When did we become so touchy-feely that we decided all religions needed to be respected? When did we start buying into all the bullshit fed to us by HR specialists, money hungry attorneys and stupid fucking hippies that purport to be wise and worldly but have never left the Starbucks in downtown San Francisco? Why can’t we all just agree that freedom of religion is generally a good thing, but just like any good thing, too much of it is dangerous?

	Nah-na-nah Nah-nah! (11/5/04)

Now, because some of the people who visit my site are a little slow when it comes to processing information, I should make a clarification (again) so that I don't get more worthless email from worthelss people. I do not like Bush. That is not why I am sitting here right now at my computer wearing nothing but a pair of old boxers and balancing my keyboard on my politically conservative erection so that I can type a rant to post on my site. For redundancy's sake, I shall state it again; I do not like Bush. But I will tell you what I do like… Tonight, as I lay down to sleep in my shitty little room, I will close my eyes, hold my breath and I will listen. And although for what will seem like a short eternity I will hear nothing, just as I am about to give up there will be a faint humming. A distant buzz that seems to come from every direction at once. That will be the sound of about a hundred million liberal pussies wailing their discontent into the night. A few hundred thousand will be bitching over triple-chocolate-anus-latte talls in every Starbucks outlet across the country. Another hundred thousand will be sitting with the members of their shitty book club taking time out from their Ayn Rand discussion to snivel about Bush. Another hundred thousand will be phoning their friends to make asinine claims like they are moving to Canada tomorrow in order to escape Bush's tyranical reign (waaah!!).

A moment before I personally fucked a hundred million liberals in the ass... Goddamn I rock.

Combined, all of their bitching, wailing and whining will synthesize to create a concerto so beautiful that Beethoven himself would be shamed were he alive to hear it. I will listen to this masterpiece and I will giggle like a pubescent school girl and then masterbate like a pubescent school boy. And frankly, I am stoked because the concert won't stop for at least a few months and, if I am lucky, a few years.

Ho-ly shit! Am I at Bangkok International Airport or an American voting booth on election day? It is pretty hard to tell from the fucking signs.

A few thoughts on the election... An observation that I touched on breifly above but have never understood, why do Liberals always bluff like they are going to move to Canada when they don't get their way? What the fuck is that? I mean, first off, no, no you aren't going to move to Canada. You are going to stay here in the U.S., uncomfortably close to me and continue to whine indefinitely. Because that is what you would rather do. You would rather be miserable here than be happy in Canada (if such a thing is possible). And why Canada? If I decided that I were through with the U.S., I think I would be able to find a slightly more attractive new home than Canada. Bermuda, Cyprus, the Virgin Islands... It doesn't take a genius to look at a globe and come up with better options than Canada--a cold, empty place denizened by American impostors with bad hair, acid washed jeans and slightly strange accents.

	Licenses for Children (10/17/04)

Do you want an alcoholic driving? Do you want a suicidal crackhead operating a forklift? Do you want a carpenter performing surgery on your brain tumor? No, no and no. So why should a couple of ass-brains be allowed to reproduce more ass-brains that will cause even more social drag? When can we take that next step to curb this harmful social behavior? A great example of this ludicrous conduct which is currently allowed is when state and federal prisons allow conjugal visits for convicted felons. Believe it or not, in many states if someone is put away for rape, murder or some other vile crime, they can still marry some stupid wench while in prison and enjoy conjugal visits. Then the dumb bitch gets knocked up and pops out a younger version of the sociopath that boned her. All on the government’s nickel! Uncle Sam actually pays to bus the whore to the prison grounds, provides the ratty-ass shag-pad and pays a turnkey to stand guard while the Charles-Manson-wannabe lays pipe! And then the mindless twat gets a tax break for having another child! So I have a solution. Government regulated birth control. We flood the national water system with depo provera or some shit and render everyone temporarily sterile. Then, when a couple of shit-birds apply for a marriage license we send in the government shrinks. If they pass a battery of psychological exams, they get a couple years worth of birth control antidote pills. If they don’t, well gee whiz. Tough luck guys, but your genes didn’t quite make the cut.

Do we really need any more of these guys?

Sure some dickhead might argue that I am advocating what could lead to totalitarian government. But to them I say this: “Well, if you really think my idea is a bad one, then prove that you are an intellectually and spiritually ‘better’ person than I and put your kids into daycare with the Manson offspring. And while you are at it, go ahead and sublet your guest house to the poor ex-con and his hooker-gone-straight girlfriend so that they can have the chance they deserve.” Email me if you think I am somewhere out in left field on this one.

	When I am in charge (9/9/04)

The first change: Government. Democracy doesn’t seem to be working. Apathetic and complacent citizens don’t vote so the public’s voice is lost. Interest groups representing private sector businesses go to Washington and start overpowering the meek collective voice of the few douche-bags who actually made it down to city hall to cast their ballots. Senators and Congressmen are bought and sold like two-bit whores by the bribes—oh I mean contributions—of the private interest groups. The president appoints all sorts of ass-hats to various lifelong governmental positions in order to return the favors to all the people who helped him get into office. And politicians like Hillary Clinton are not lubed up and sat atop the Washington monument out of sheer principal. In short, democracy here in the US is somewhat fucked.

Basically, there are a few thousand bought-and-sold cocksucker politicians, judges and political action committee members who are running an anal gangbang train on our own sweet Lady Liberty and then tossing her the American flag for cleanup. And the whole while the public just watches with passive disinterest as their motherland is raped by nefarious agents of greed and corruption. Well, to quote Aristotle, “Fuck that shit, Home-Slice”. I’m gonna clean house. No more democracy for America. But don’t worry, I’m not thinking dictatorship. That’s just ignorant. I am talking about a militant yet enlightened oligarchy with about ten members of equal standing. I would be one of them, eight others would be my clones and then the last would be Hillary Clinton. Why Hillary Clinton? Ahh, because we would veto every suggestion she made. It would drive her fucking nuts. Plus we would need someone to bring us beer and pork rinds during our meetings in the oval office. Hell, maybe we would even get Monica’s fat ass to come on back and be the White House’s cigar humidifier. One of our first acts as the Chief Executives would be to cut all foreign aid. I’ve been alive over a quarter-century and never once have I heard of any country thanking us for anything.

This will be me in the revamped Oval Office. Fog machines, cheesy 80’s purple lighting and barbarian presidential wardrobe. Good times.

And frankly, that sickens me (and my clones). Billions of dollars are sent abroad each year (a good portion to those whore Arab countries who hate us) and what do we get out of it? Nothing. Well, that isn't true. I’m sure that lots of the liberals furiously beat their small penises while fantasizing about feeding some Arab pre-teen—some shit-bird who will probably end up bombing an embassy when he is twenty. So at least our national billions buy some masturbation fodder for small-membered liberal men and big-clitted Democrat dykes… well, that was somewhat redundant as there exists little difference between the two.

Next, my clones and I kidnap all of the UN council members. It is high time for their sackless nature to be punished. But don’t worry, we will let them bring their tampons and Vagasil along so that their delicate vaginas won’t be harmed. We hustle them to Camp David where the Wheel of Judgment awaits them. Ever seen Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome? Ya know when he refuses to kill Blaster, the brawny half of Master-Blaster? They make him spin that morbid version of the Wheel of Fortune because, after all, “break a deal and face the wheel!” Well, all of the UN pussies will have to spin my wheel. The wheel is simple; five slices on this tasty pie. 1) Fly immediately to Munich, Germany where you will star in a blockbuster scheisse film. 2) Yodel into Hillary’s cheese-crevice until either your teeth rot out or you develop scurvy. 3) Live in Iraq for the rest of your life because you thought it was such a dandy place to begin with that no intervention was needed. 4) Fuck Estee Lauder. Yeah, she is dead. I know, that’s the point. 5) Be forced to put on a Cub Scout’s uniform and spend the night at Neverland Ranch.

“Who run Barter Town?” That’s right, bitch. APB run Barter Town!

After punishing the inept UN testicle-donors, I will invade Mexico. They have oil, silver and lots of fucking lobster. I like lobster. So do my clones. Plus, resistance couldn’t be that great. Most of them are here in LA anyway. There can only be thirteen or fourteen people left in that country and they are all corrupt semen-swindlers who can’t get anything right. So boom! We take Mexico. But now we are fucked because there is nowhere to deport the illegal aliens. But that is OK, I have a solution. It is called, “facilitated assimilation with respect to Darwinism.” Gee whiz, Bastard, what is that? No more bilingual school systems, no more “oprima numero dos para espanol” bullshit when you call the bank, no more Spanish road signs. In fact, we change the stop light system. No longer is it color coded signals. It will now simply be LED displays which show “go”, “stop” or “slow” in white letters. All fluent English speakers will be given Ford F350s to drive and anyone who can’t ace an English fluency exam will be given Pintos. That’s where the “with respect to Darwinism” comes into play. You can’t understand the traffic signal? Oops! Your Pinto just got popped by an F350 and now your legs are broken, your head is on fire and your spleen is dripping out of your pee-hole! Guess you should have taken a couple of English classes before high-tailing it over the border, huh?

Speaking of physical conflict, when I am in charge there will be no sexual discrimination. Equal rights, equal fights. I am sick to death of seeing women get in guys’ faces, insult them and then strike them knowing that the conceptual ghost of chivalry will somehow protect them. Then these same women will bitch about a guy not going out of his way to hold a door open for them or buy them drinks. Obviously these females are having trouble deciding if they want to be a fifty’s era broad or a second millennium lady. They seem to want the best of both worlds. Well, in APB’s world, you can’t have your proverbial cake and eat it too. That is commie bullshit if you ask me. It is time for everyone to be accountable for their actions regardless of sex, race or sheer volume of anus hair.

Want to know what other changes there will be when I am in charge? Well, you will have to wait. Writing this has given me 43 simultaneous boners. I am bristling like a phallic porcupine. I must now retire to masturbate for at least one week.

	Hippies ruined my Thursday (8/13/04)

So six days a week, like a good American, I pack my silly little lunch and drive to work. I like being punctual so I leave my house forty minutes before my shift starts. The commute usually only takes fifteen minutes, so I always get there with plenty of time to spare. Yesterday, however, was different. See, I guess the president decided to swing by LA and give a speech in Santa Monica. My route to work goes through Santa Monica. So all of a sudden, halfway to work, I hit bumper-to-bumper traffic. I swear to God it was like the opening credits of Office Space where even some asshole using a walker would have been going faster than I was. But instead of an old bastard with a walker, there were fat, ugly liberals carrying picket signs walking faster than I was driving. The deeper into Santa Monica I got, the more ugly hippies there were. They were everywhere, like pubes on Clarence Thomas’ Coke can! And they were inconveniencing everyone! It is moments like this one which really show you how stupid hippies are. They flood the streets in droves with their unimaginative picket signs, chant obnoxious and infantile phrases like, “Bush is Bad!” and I guess they really expect to win people over with this technique. Like someone is going to stop and think, “Well, hippies, your demonstration is making me late for work, your incessant jeering is so loud it could be used as an alternative means of pulverizing kidney stones, but God damn you have a point! I used to sit the political fence, but now you won me over with your inconsiderate tactics!” What a bunch of stupid fucking people.

That's what I am talking about!

What really got me was when I saw some prick carrying a sign that read, "Bush fucked the economy!" I found that to be mildly ironic. Regardless of Bush's relative culpability for our current economic state, I know one thing that is really bad for the economy... When a few thousand fuckers don’t show up to work so they can go whine and bitch about how much they hate Bush and how much their vaginas itch. But little gems of irony like this one apparently are not bright enough to catch the eye of most liberals.

Here we see a typical liberal protester. 6'2", 110 lbs and ugly as fuck.

And speaking of economy-fucking, these Liberals didn’t seem at all perturbed that they were keeping people from getting to work or getting home to their families. Good thinking you twits. Whine about the economy, but don’t do it on, oh say… the internet where you won’t inconvenience anyone. By all means do it right in the middle of downtown West LA where your bitching will delay tens of thousands of people just trying to live their lives. Way to go. And speaking of fucking, have you folks ever noticed that only ugly people attend demonstrations and protests? I think it is because they have so much pent up energy from not dipping their wick that they need to go out and fuck something. And if you are too ugly to fuck another human, why not fuck society right in the ass with your constant demonstrations? That sounds like a great idea! It could make a good party slogan for left-wingers. “Too ugly to get laid? Join us liberals so at least you can anally rape society!” Bottom line: To all liberal protesters, your childish whining isn't converting anyone. All it does is drain our country’s efficiency. Eat a dick. In fact, eat several and wash them down with some syphilis-ridden piss.

	Kerry’s nominee acceptance speech (8/1/04)

After the intro given by Kerry’s sympathy-gimp, the man himself “bounded up on the podium…saluted sharply and said, ‘I’m John Kerry, and I’m reporting for duty!’” What a fucking cheeseball. Here is what I would have liked to see at this point. Remember old Gunney Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket (played by R. Lee Ermey)? I would have loved to see that old bastard pop out from under the podium, lean forward and scream into Kerry’s face, “And I am your sweet Aunt Sally, you leather-faced pile of maggot-shit! You look like some sort of north east prep-boy pussy to me! Three purple hearts? Wow that is so fucking exciting it is giving me two blue balls! Hell, between your purple hearts, my blue balls and your yellow belly, the two of us combined would make one colorful motherfucker, don’t you think, priiiiivate?!" "Uh, yes.. sir,” Kerry would have stammered. "Yes sir what?! Yes sir you want to be combined with me?! Private are you suggesting that you would like to fuck Gunney Sergeant Hartman? Are you proposing that you stick your flesh-pickle in my unholiest of places?!”

"Six-foot four?! I didn't know they stacked hippy shit that high!" Goddamnit, I would love to see this.

At this point Kerry would have had an involuntary bowl movement and passed out. That would have made my year. But unfortunately, my personal hero Gunney Sergeant Hartman was nowhere to be found. Instead Kerry went on to embarrass himself further.

After bagging on Bush for manipulating our military and allowing it to be “overstretched”, Kerry promised, “On my first day in office, I will send a message to every man and woman in our armed forces: You will never be asked to fight a war without a plan to win the peace.” Are you telling me that, if elected president, you will not engage in a war with the intent of losing? HOLY JUMP-ROPING JESUS!

Here we see a bunch of sellouts. In the late sixties these fruits were spitting on Kerry calling him a baby-killer. Now they are contributing to his campaign fund. Liberals are hypocrites.

How fucking revolutionary! See, because up till this point in U.S. history, every president has engaged in war with the intent to lose but for some reason everything keeps getting fucked up and we end up winning every time—and before some fucknut emails me telling me we “lost” Vietnam, well, we might not have won by conventional standards but I think it is pretty safe to say with an 18:1 kill ratio we did pretty fucking well, jackass. But wow, Kerry, your idea to set out with the goal of winning wars is a novel one. What a moron. Here is one of my favorites. At one point he actually said, “I will be a commander in chief who will never mislead us into war.” Really fucking clever you asshole. Let me translate that into what bloodthirsty terrorist organizations and Middle Eastern countries will interpret it as… “I will be a commander in chief who will never go to war unless some other president kicks in the White House door, pins me on the ground, pisses in my face and there happens to be live CNN footage of it so that all of the stupid people in America will understand that war is justified.” Now if you do get elected, every cock-sucking nation out there that has beef with us is going to push our buttons in obscure ways. They are going to treat us like shit and try to provoke us but not do anything overtly hostile because they will know that we have a pussy in office who promised no suspect wars. They will know that you won’t declare war unless it is obvious that it is necessary so they will all just nip at us like little obnoxious fucking poodles. Good job, ass-hat, if we are unlucky enough to have you as a pres we will have our national hands tied behind our backs. Thanks, prick. Personally I would prefer having a schizophrenic Texan xenophobe as a leader—someone who is so batty that other countries shy away from even looking at us funny, much less openly opposing us.

Then Kerry offered a complete non sequitur. “For Teresa and me, no matter what the future holds or the past has given us, nothing will ever mean as much as our children. We love them not just for who they are and what they've become, but for being themselves, making us laugh, holding our feet to the fire, and never letting me get away with anything. Thank you, Andre, Alex, Chris, Vanessa, and John.” What kind of soft pussy shit is that? What kind of desperate ploy to appeal to a demographic is being pitched at America? “Hey, I was irresponsible enough to have five kids. Now my wife’s goo-hole is the size of a jet hangar. That means that you can identify with me.” Tangents like this make me think Kerry is really just a large doll with one of those pull strings coming out of his back. You yank on it and he says something non-offensive that the majority of people might agree with. What a putz. And of course the crowd ate his speech up like an inbred dog gobbles down its own day-old shit. That is why liberals amuse me so much. Thirty-five years ago liberals were spitting on vets like Kerry and his intro-gimp when they came home from Vietnam. Now you can’t get them to shut up about how great it is that Kerry is a Vietnam vet.

Here we see Mrs. John Kerry’s vaginal opening. Note the tattoo of “Mussolini” just above the dilated labia. Interesting. Perhaps some of her vaginal fascism has absorbed into Kerry over the years. It might explain a few things.

Is this a dog eating its own shit or is it a Democrat gobbling up Kerry’s lies? Tough call.

Well, which is it, folks? Also thirty-five years ago liberals were dodging the draft like a prude girl dodges the money shot, but now they bag on Bush for doing what they did. Well, which is it folks? For as long as I can remember liberals have bitched about the upper economic class as if it were the enemy, but now they are going to vote for someone whose net worth is around half-a-billion bucks. Well, which is it folks? Liberals are like the fickle fat bitch at Baskin Robins. “Hmm, I think I want chocolate chip… No wait, peanut butter chocolate… No, hold on, maybe I want—” SHUT UP! Liberals, accept the fact that you are nothing but one big collective fat bitch who can’t make up her mind about anything! I can’t believe our system actually lets you people vote! How can you hypocrites live with yourselves? Say what you like about political conservatives—they are heartless, they are greedy, they are imperialistic. Well, maybe they are. But at least they are not hypocrite, flapping pussies, constantly and willingly riding the enormous cock of political ignorance and personal hypocrisy. If you want to hear how other Vietnam vets think about the man with the Botox butthole, check out this link.

	Why your car is worth more than the lives of hundreds of people in the Middle East and Africa (7/4/04)

Oh, haha, no no no. You got me all wrong. I didn’t come to this conclusion, you did, Mr. Hippy! See, something occurred to me the other day when I went to the carwash and saw some goofy asshole pull his 2003 Volkswagen Bug with a “War is not the Answer” bumper sticker into the automatic bay and order a deluxe wash. Here was the classic Liberal, driving a new car worth $20,000, and taking the time and money to get it washed up all nice and pretty. This guy was easily the incarnation of every outspoken liberal fuck who bitched about the killing of innocents in Iraq and who later bitched about the poor people of Liberia, and then bitched again about the poor Iraqis. So I’m sitting there in my car, wondering if there is a way I can slash his tires without getting caught when it occurs to me that his car is worth more than the combined value of dozens, if not hundreds of Iraqi and Liberian lives. He paid 20,000 bucks for his car, he probably puts Silver or Premium gas in it ‘cause he looks like that kind of putz (gas that he buys at low prices thanks to the actions of our conservative Chief Executive) and he goes to car washes where he purchases the deluxe packages.

Here we have the combined value of 10 dirty Somalians. Pretty, isn't it?

When it’s all said and done, this asshole has spent the twenty grand initially to get the car and then probably two or three thousand bucks a year to maintain it. Think of how many people he could save with some sort of “Sponsor an Arab” organization. A twenty grand buy-in plus a few grand a year could save a lot of lives. He could have forgone his personal luxury and sent food, water and medical care to Iraq. Hell, he could have single handedly paid for the relocation of several Baghdad families out of harms way in 2003. But did he? No. So why not?

See this Iraqi bitch? Yeah, your car is worth more than her life 10 times over. In between mouthfuls of tofu maybe you can explain this to her, asshole.

Well, if we go by generally accepted laws of economics, it is because he got more value out of the purchase of his car. Economic theory says that we will always spend our money on what gives us the most utility or usefulness. Obviously, he has decided that his car is more important than the lives of a dozen people living in Iraq or Liberia. So why is he bitching so much about foreign policy when it is obvious that his car is more important to him? Shit, I don’t know. If anything, shouldn’t he be bitching about something car related since that part of his life is evidently at the forefront of his mind? And what is even more confusing is that there are approximately 120 million Liberals in this country. Let’s guess that 80 million of them have cars. If each of them really cared about those poor, under-privileged people in Iraq and Liberia, they could all sell their cars and each save a dozen people. This would be 960 million people saved! Almost a sixth of the world population! That is the combined populace of Iraq and Liberia six times over! Holy shit! We have a solution! Okay, hippies, go out and sell your cars. Then use the money to save people! Listen, I just want to thank the hippies out there who have brought this confusing issue to my attention. At first I thought you were all just hypocrites, driving around in your Bugs, Minis and Volvos, spending absurd amounts of money on luxury items while you bitched unproductively about the sad predicament of other cultures. But in reality, you all just hadn’t come up with a solution yet.

	Same Sex Marriages (6/6/04)

Before we start, I just wanted to tell any Liberals reading this to go ahead and whip out your cocks and get the hand lotion. This time I am siding with you guys, so sit back, relax, and stroke you pathetic little chubbies as uncle AP Bastard takes the Liberal side of things for a minute… Same Sex Marriages: I have heard just about as much as I can possibly stand on this topic. Gays shouldn’t be allowed to get married. Yes they should. Nuh uh! Uh huh! ENOUGH!!! Let me clue you bickering ass-pipes in on something. North Korea has nukes—most likely pointed at us. China is a one-billion-communist stick of dynamite with its dirty pinko fuse lit. People in this country are starving in the streets picking through trashcans hoping to find a used tampon to suck on for some protein. The Arab world hates us and wants to see us all burn in a giant jihad fireball. And I haven’t gotten laid in two weeks! And you people are worried that two guys who have been porking each other for five years might be able to continue doing it with wedding bands on their ring fingers?! Who the fuck are you people?! I can’t wait to see the look on your whiney little faces after you have distracted our country to the point where one day we wake up and find ourselves wandering through the rubble of our once beautiful cities because we were so fixated on Bruce and Skip getting hitched that we didn’t notice the communist armies rolling their armor units across our borders. How big of a deal is it going to be then whether or not Bruce and Skip had to elope to Canada in order to give each other matrimonial blow jobs? As we are herded into concentration camps will it really comfort you right wing fuckers to know that at least Bruce and Skip didn’t get a state-sanctioned license to cornhole each other? Are you really going to be happy then? No. And neither will the limp-wrists, because communists have no fashion sense and living in a world dominated by oppressive grays is worse than any right wing social oppression that you can offer.

Hey there Fruitloop! APB is behind you 100%. Wait, I didn’t mean it that way!

	Mistreatment of Iraqi Prisoners (5/2/04)

In case any of you liberal twat-meats can’t piece it together, those “poor Iraqis” were prisoners—and for good reason. They weren’t taken into custody because they were hugging and kissing American troops or handing out flowers or helping old ladies cross the street. They are the types of assholes that you saw weeks ago dancing around the charred corpses of US security contractors. They are the worst of the worst. These are the types of people who would kill you if they could. If one of you hippie pussies saw one of those “poor prisoners” face to face and there wasn’t a real American around to protect you, they would murder you—strictly for shits and giggles. You keep that in mind before you whine about how they were “tortured.” Speaking of being “tortured”, is it just me or does anyone else think that this term does not apply to the situation? I think of “torture” and I think of bamboo shoots shoved underneath the fingernails. I think of M80 firecrackers jammed into someone’s pee-hole and then detonated. I think of being forced to sit silently in the front row of Oprah’s studio as she discusses her book of the month with a gaggle of menopausal meat-boxes who think reading John Grisham’s new novel about yet another fucking attorney is an unparalleled opus of literary genius. All of that crap is torture.

Sheesh, the wires aren’t even hooked up to his gonads. This is torture-lite.

But I look at those pictures of the “poor Iraqi” criminals and I see some ridicule and some mild pain. I mean, really all that happened was a bunch of guys were forced to get naked, dog pile each other and then have their penises laughed at by a woman. Sounds like they are now finished with SAE pledging. Someone toss them a beer and initiate them!

Make my day! No seriously, pull the trigger. Make my day.

“Oh, but they are Muslims! Any type of sexual abuse is horribly demeaning to them!”—Not an exact quotation, but the point one article on a British news site was trying to make. Oh yeah? Now they get extra sympathy because they chose a faith that rates as a “10” on the Religious Fanatic Fuckhead Index? Blow me! It’s not our fault that those people chose a faith based upon misogynist views of cultural intolerance. That was their choice. Now if they are more offended because someone took a picture of their wee-wees, well cry me a fucking Euphrates. First of all, abuse is abuse. You can’t go around making distinctions saying something is harder on one type of person than another. Secondly, other people of different religions are exposed to shit that drives them up the wall ever day, but they deal with it. It’s not like you see any fundamentalist Christians bombing abortion clinics or anything. And I love how some of the American assholes who are quoted in the news articles waxed emotionally about the Geneva Convention and how we have violated it—like we are the only ones. Let me clue you fuckers in, we are the only ones who even TRY to follow that obsolete piece of shit.

Fuck the Geneva Convention. We shouldn’t be held to those standards when dealing with countries which blatantly violate them on a daily basis. The Geneva Convention is a civilized document to be used when waging war with civilized countries. It should be disregarded when dealing with people who ignore it. Check out CNN’s article on it. According to that cesspool of journalism, everyone is experiencing “shock and outrage” at this atrocity. Save the fucking melodrama for Felicity. It makes me so angry my pubes straighten out that people are shocked and outraged about some Iraqi Hershey-squirt who got a jolt of alternating current when Americans are dying by the handful every day in that crap country for a greater good. Save your emotions for your countrymen, you pricks. If you have any left over after mourning the deaths of thousands of Americans who died in the great name of freedom, then by all means, throw a little bit around to some foreigners, but pick the recipients with a bit more discrimination. Africans who never made a disparaging remark about us are dying of starvation. Spanish civilians (our allies) are dying by the dozen in terrorist attacks at the hands of our enemies. South Koreans live in fear of their belligerent northern neighbor. The list goes on and on, but all of you shits don’t seem to be paying attention. Abdul Mohamed Mohamed, who murdered a good ten or twenty innocent Iraqis and is now being forced to stand naked in front of an ugly chick is the last person that deserves your sympathy. Get a clue you fucking hippies.

OK, guys! You are in! Have a Natural Light, you guys have made it through pledging!

	Iraqis; Pussies and Assholes to the last man (4/20/04)

It was really the debacle a few weeks ago in which four US security contractors got killed that forced me to get off my ass and write this. I saw those images of the dirty little Iraqis having a grand old time as they dragged the charred corpses of my countrymen through the streets and eventually strung them up on a bridge and it occurred to me that there are really only two types of Iraqi citizens. There are Pussies and Assholes. Allow me to explain. The Pussies encompass every Iraqi citizen who was happy that the US got involved. Sure these people welcomed us and hugged the US soldiers as they liberated them and gave them their tiny worthless lives back. Since then, these Pussies have done nothing to aid in the process of bringing Democracy to their little strip of geographical desert-grundle that is Iraq. They have bitched and whined about not having enough electricity or water or tampons for their aching vaginas while US soldiers have died in the streets defending their right to complain about those things. Apparently they haven’t realized that this is a team effort and the success of the whole Iraqi Freedom project depends on them doing something other than bitching like a bunch of ragging high school girls.

“I are being big pussy, yes?”

On a side note, I guess even Iraq has a large Liberal base. This general attitude of the Iraqi Pussies has forced me to reconsider their situation and their need for help. I have ceased to feel sorry for these Pussies. They had their chance at freedom and they fucked it up. I eagerly await the day when we pull out of that country like Ron Jeremy out of some no-name whore, shoot a load on her back and leave her to deal with her abusive boyfriend alone—the abusive boyfriend being the personification of the Asshole contingent that I am about to describe. When that day comes, I will run butt-naked through the streets of L.A. masturbating like a deranged spider monkey. Look for me on an upcoming episode of Cops.

This guy ain’t signaling the beginning of a footrace. He is an Asshole.

So then we have the Assholes. I am still trying to wrap my head around this group. How could hundreds of thousands of years of Darwinism overlook a group of such obviously selectable shit-tards? How did these people’s bloodlines make it this far? Well, if you haven’t read my article on religion, do so now. It helps to offer a partial explanation. But to flesh out this explanation, I believe that these Assholes are really just Pussies with a little bit more testosterone. For thousands of years, dictators have ruled that geographical area. All of the Assholes that you see on TV, dancing around like Saharan orangutans on PCP when a US soldier dies are really just Pussies—Pussies who take orders from bigger Assholes. It seems like all you have to do in a country like that is wear a turban, bang your cousin, sport a big bushy beard and preach the same old “die dirty infidel” rhetoric and the Assholes will rally around you. These Asshole-Pussies just seem to do whatever anyone says—assuming they say it with enough authority. So to them I say, “SUCK MY AMERICAN COCK! SUCK IT! SUCK IT!!!!” I expect to be getting thousands of blowjobs by early next week.

But the one thing that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside about this whole situation is that there are “security contractors” over there. Now, in case any of you haven’t been watching the news, these contractors are ex-military, armed to the teeth, who do not answer to the US military. They are, for a lack of a better phrase, above the law. Why does this make me happy? Think about it. There are thousands of scrappy bad asses over there working under the radar. What do you think they are doing? Black Ops shit that would give hippies nightmares if they knew. It’s nice to know that our government has found a way around the bullshit PC hurdles that Liberals have erected and are now, as we speak, seeking out the troublemakers over there and administering lead enemas. Here’s to you, security contractors! You are true Americans. So the bottom line, in case any of you missed it, is that despite what happens over there in sunny Iraq, there is one fact we can be sure will not change: Iraqis are Pussies and Assholes… nothing more. Isn't it nice to be able to depend on at least one thing not to change?

Iraqi citizens or lesbian orgy? Hard to say. There is really just too much Pussy in the picture to tell what is going on.

	Conspiracy Theorists and their Misplaced Egomania (3/19/04)

So, recently I have had the misfortune of running into several people who not only are convinced that the federal government is conspiring against the public, but are also the type to talk your ear off about it. Isn't it always like that? It’s always the crazy fucks that seem to have a problem shutting the hell up. But before I get ahead of myself, let’s take this bit by bit. I dig conspiracy theorists… squirrelly little bastards with squirrelly little paranoid ideas. But who can’t relate to a little bit of paranoia? There was a three month period when I slept with a loaded .45 in under the blankets because I was sure there was some mal-intentioned lower primate living under my house that wanted to snack on my gull bladder. More on that some other time. But my point is, we all have a tendency to be paranoid at times. It is a survival instinct. It has been ingrained into us genetically—and for good reason. After all, it is pretty hard for the lion to sneak up on the paranoid caveman. And thus, paranoia was born into the human race millennia ago. But certain ideas and concepts go beyond this evolutionary need for human paranoia and cross into the territory of “stupid fucking shit.” For instance, a popular accusation of all these creepy conspiracy freaks is that the government is slowly poisoning the public with cancer-causing agents that they surreptitiously inject into the water systems, the atmosphere and even into our double-ply Charmin toilet paper. So tell me you silly fruits, what does the government gain from giving us cancer of the ringmeat? “Oh, well it’s so that we get dependent on government subsidized drugs.”

Hey! That guy is poisoning the city water supply! No, wait, that’s the pool boy cleaning my pool. Nevermind.

Thank God we have mental ninjas like this one keeping nefarious governmental agents in check. Nothing gets by this ass-clown. Go Conspiracy-Militia-Man!

Really? You slapsticks actually think some bigwig government agent thought he could balance the national debt of seven trillion dollars by charging me thirty bucks a month for my anti-cancer anal cream that will negate the effects of my poisoned toilet paper? What the fuck are you people thinking? The only individuals benefiting from that are the asshole MDs charging me stupid co-pays to fiddle with my calamari ring after making me wait for 45 minutes in the 1970’s era waiting room. But here is what I REALLY love about conspiracy theorists… They are always douche bags. They are always the sacks of shit that have NOTHING the government would want. They have no money, no power, no influence and more importantly no common sense. But they all want you to believe that their tiny wads of grey matter, clogged with bong resin and latent pockets of LSD, have pieced together the subtle bits of an intricate governmental conspiracy. How come no one with an advanced degree shares your opinions? How come no one with a steady job shares your views? Well it’s not because they are all blind sheep following the G-man’s suggestive lead. It is because they have a fucking ounce of common sense! If you dirty, unshaven shits put half the energy you put into fabricating your paranoid delusions into doing something constructive, every city in this damn country would be a clean, well-greased cog in the national machine. All you fuckers need to sit down to a nice hearty meal of sloth-shit and dig in. Maybe a mouth full of excrement would shut you up for five minutes so the rest of us can get on with our productive lives without the distraction of your hippie whining. Eat sloth-shit you paranoid fucks!

	If you vote for Hillary Roddam Clinton for anything else, ever, I will kill you (2/28/04)

How exactly did she worm her way into the political system? Who the hell voted for this sneaky broad? Not once have I ever met anyone that has admitted to even appreciating her political ideas much less liking her as a person but yet she keeps popping up in the political arena everywhere I look. The bitch is so slimy it is as if someone turned her inside out cunt first. Her evasive, slippery mannerisms make Al Gore look like a trustworthy cat. On a side note, I think Dennis Miller put it best when he said, “I know psoriasis patients who are more comfortable in their own skin than Al Gore.” That quotation should put my comparison in perspective. But seriously. What do we know about Hillary Clinton? First off, she is from Illinois but moved to Arkansas of all places “to follow her heart” as she put it. Who moves from a slightly shitty state to the shittiest one in the Union? That alone should warrant extreme skepticism regarding her ability to lead anything more significant than a chili cook off.

Hillary Clinton’s primary voting base

One of our great country’s popularly elected political officials. Good job, America. You have succeeded in providing the rest of the world with soap-opera-esque comedic relief.

Secondly, her soul mate is one of the very few elected representatives of this country that has ever had the distinction of nearly being impeached, not for political incompetence, mind you, but for moral deviance—something that still baffles me today. We live in a country where no one is accountable for anything anymore so when someone actually gets stuck with a charge and cannot blame anyone else AND when even the Liberal media is getting on his/her case, that really says something. Just the fact that she chose to spend her life with such a slime ball should tell us something about her personal set of ethics. To explore a tangent for a moment, as we all know, at age fifty-two Bill stuck a cigar up an intern. Now, at age fifty-two, people don’t really start experimenting with new sexual acts. Typically what one does at age fifty-two, they have done many times before. It’s a safe bet to say that Hillary has had her fair share of tobacco products funneled up her frigid ice cave. But back to the things we know for sure about Hillary… Third, she is a hypocrite. She awkwardly straddles the fence on issues of feminism the way Kobi Tai straddles a cock—back and forth, back and forth, never on one side or the other for more than a moment. In one breath she will claim to be a feminist but in the next breath she justifies staying with Bill for all sorts of bullshit, old fashioned reasons. Bitch, the fact is your hubby stuck his meat-piston in some fat bitch’s blowhole, pulled a cigar out of her snatch, lit it up and then kissed you with the same tobacco-and-pussy-scented lips. When you chose to stick with him, you forfeited the right to ever call yourself a feminist. Someone fucking email me and explain to me why people actually like this cunt.

	Grocery Store Picketers (2/5/04)

Holy sweet fucking Jesus! Inbred grocery store picketers! Could there be an example of a symbolically larger piece of llama shit anywhere in our society? Now for any of you who aren’t in the know, out on the west coast we are in the midst of an ongoing strike of, yes, grocery store workers. Oh my benevolent lord and savior! What are we going to do without little retarded Lennie double bagging our soy milk!? Or Laticia the 300 lb cashier that looks like a severely beaten pre-op transsexual!? Can the precariously balanced budget of California withstand this crucial economic leg being swept out from under it? Give them whatever they want! Just get Lennie and Laticia back to work before life as we know it slips down the latrine! I guess before I get too carried away I should give a little more background information. Somehow, years ago, grocery store workers unionized. That in-and-of itself is amazing to me since the vast majority of American union members are tough, red-blooded SOBs who open beer bottles with their teeth and can refasten them if need be with a few wallops of their dongs. Why these old-school Americans would be interested in sharing a fraternal bond with Laticia and her three inch long fake nails and absurd hair weave escapes me. But anyway, supermarket workers unionized and are hence under the protective umbrella of general union support.

Local Sunday school children praying for the return of retarded Lennie and drag queen Laticia.

Now here is my beef with unions. Back in the day (1800’s through the mid 1900’s) they did some great stuff for American workers. See, back in those times if employers had their way, you would work 12 hours a day feeding paper into a printing press in some hot, dangerous factory.Then at the end of your shift, to clean out the machinery they would have you run

Nice fucking mullet you asshole! And those sunglasses… You might as well take them off and get the words “White Trash” tattooed in circles around your eyes! Same result, Dick.

your scrotum through a few times (or your beef curtains if you were a girl) in order to get all the extra ink out. You would go home with a ballsac/beef curtain that looked like a wad of Silly Puddy which had been stomped onto the business section of the Wall Street Journal. Those weren’t good times for American workers because “the man” was always out to screw them. So unions came along and changed all that. Because of the contributions of many courageous individuals, they were able to lower the work day from twelve hours to eight. They improved safety regulations and workers’ compensation. They fixed everything up nice and dandy. So if everything got fixed, why are unions still around today you might ask? Therein lies my problem with them. They have outlived their usefulness. In order to illustrate my point with an overly graphic analogy: Imagine you are a woman who has a little case of “feminine itch.” You go to the gynecologist and he does his thing and fixes your problem. But even after the problem is fixed, he follows you home and keeps diddling with your vagina! In this example, you are America and the gynecologist is unionization. For the love of God, you union bastards! Show some respect and get your fingers out of America’s Economic Vagina!

So now we get to the grocery store workers and why they are the absolute worst subgroup of an obsolete socioeconomic construct. Depending on what department these people work in, they get paid between ten and twenty-five bucks an hour. Not bad, huh? Oh, but they are upset because their healthcare premiums went up ten bucks per month and they want full healthcare coverage.

Oh-O-Oh SHIT! Well I have a message for all these hammer and sickle motherfuckers: People get paid according to what they produce in this country. If you put food in bags all day you aren’t entitled to a doctor’s salary! In fact, you fuckers are overpaid as is! I know poor sons of bitches who dig drainage trenches for eight smackeroos an hour and get no healthcare but THEY never bitch about it! They are happy to be employed in an unstable economy. And on the side, after their fifty-hour-week of back-breaking manual labor, they take classes on computer programming to better themselves so that they might increase their economic potential. You fucking pussies who have cushy jobs and whine about trivial bullshit even though you don’t even posses a GED really piss me off. And you know what else drives me up the wall about these people? Most of them are fat. Now I'm not talking a few extra pounds, I'm talking an ass that looks like a huge burlap sack full of apples. Isn't it a pretty good indicator if you are as fat as a pregnant moose your job isn't that taxing? Isn't it kind of hard to take the side of an obese bastard that is complaining that his/her job isn't cushy enough? Are we—the public—really supposed to look at you meat-pockets and think, “Wow, life must be so hard for that poor woman that she only gets to eat seven meals a day”? You fuck-sticks are EXACLTLY what is wrong with America. You personify nearly every festering social malady that afflicts this great country. Die you dirty communists, die!

A typical grouping of strikers. From left to right: Ugly, Fat, Old.

	Immigration (1/20/04)

But then halfway into the movie, perhaps through some sort of second hand capitalism inhalation experienced while dusting the desks of power-attorneys, this group of ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS was consumed by greed. Although they were making loads more money than they were in their countries of origin, that was apparently not sufficient. Despite the fact that they WERE NOT CITIZENS, they organized and began demonstrating under the “right of assembly” which, mind you, they were not entitled to since they weren’t Americans. Oh, and instead of just picketing like respectful people, they did sit-ins on major intersections, effectively fucking up nearly everyone’s day in downtown L.A. A legion of riot control officers, bristling with Billie-clubs and mace canisters, arrived to disperse the demonstration, and just when I thought these boys in blue would give the protestors a good walloping, some ratty lawyers intervened and “the day was saved.” The illegal aliens all got raises, healthcare (government subsidized healthcare even though they weren’t citizens!) and other benefits. And they all acted as if they finally got something they deserved! Oh, My GOD! Who are these people!? Well allow me to offer a quick litmus test that might help some of these people determine whether or not they have anything more than basic human rights. Did you have to

Some whiner and his ugly girlfriend getting beaten down by "The Man." Yeah!

	New Foreign Policy (1/5/04)

Truman: knew when it was time to stop fucking around.

Secondly, as a country we need to become a precise mix of 1990’s McCully Culkin and Universal Soldier’s Dolf Lundgard wearing the severed ear necklace. What I mean is we need to be a cute, cuddly little thing, but the second someone messes with us we need to go completely fucking ape-shit, paint our naked bodies in the blood of our enemies and runhowling through the night. To mix metaphors, we’ve got to get people to start treating us like an overgrown, two-thousand-pound rotweiler puppy, loving and playful most of the time but still quite capable of decapitating someone with a single bite. The way we do this is, after seceding from the UN, we take all the money that we were spending on their sorry asses, double it, and use that for constant global humanitarian efforts. We feed the hungry, heal the sick and educate the stupid. But then the first time someone gives us trouble (a Saddam type figure), we go ballistic. Nuclear bombs shower from the heavens like giant plutonium raindrops. Captured officers are tortured, killed and their families slaughtered. Sympathizers of their cause are hunted down like dogs, drawn and quartered and their remains are stuffed and then tacked to the walls of the Oval Office. Sure it’s a bit extreme, and a lot of lives will be taken “unnecessarily” in the first few years of this new policy, but after that, smooth sailing, baby. The rest of the world will quickly learn that they can

Sources:
http://www.globalpolicy.org/finance/unitedstates/2002/06status.htm